Elva Trill: 'Sometimes, I feel like there must be something wrong with me'

Elva Trill: "I was very lucky to grow up in the home that I did where creative sparks were cultivated. The kindness of my mother — she saw that it used to light me up."

I grew up an only child in Sligo in a small town called Ballymoate. I was very much my own best friend bar my dog.

I had a speech impediment when I was a child. I stuttered and I couldn’t really communicate with kids my own age — or with adults for that matter.

When my mum decided to bring me for speech therapy, I think by the power of association I was able to talk within those sessions because I was reading in character. The only time I was able to communicate or be creative was when I was performing, which led to my poor mother having to cart me to Dublin and Galway each weekend to drama classes. We had a theatre company in Sligo called Blue Raincoat, but I was too young for that.

I was very lucky to grow up in the home that I did where creative sparks were cultivated. The kindness of my mother — she saw that it used to light me up.

It’s funny because I can be quite anxious at times but even with some anxiety, I still manage to enjoy performing live — so I must be on the right path.

Getting out of my own way has been the greatest challenge for me. I love to be around people but at the same time, I need to recharge my social batteries. It’s a funny balance.

I tend to use too many words. You want to have that feeling like you’re part of the community and being an introvert, I struggle with that. I like it, but there’s a lot of self-doubt that comes into play where you hope that you’re good enough.

Rejection in this industry is rife and you have to stop internalising if you don’t get something. That rejection doesn’t mean that you’re fundamentally flawed. It could be the case that this particular thing just wasn’t for you.

Being part of one of the hardest industries there is to succeed in, it didn’t seem like there was ever going to be a door that would open – I’m proud I stuck with it.

I’d like to think my greatest quality is empathy. I really love animals. I feel things quite deeply. I know that can also be a huge hindrance. But I know that I’m at my most joyful when I’m with my dogs or I’m surrounded by wildlife and nature.

The person I turn to is my mama, 100%. In fact, we spent the day together yesterday doing a deep dive; talking about absolutely everything and anything.

Elva Trill: "Being part of one of the hardest industries there is to succeed in, it didn’t seem like there was ever going to be a door that would open – I’m proud I stuck with it."

The life lesson I’ve learned is not to take everything so personally. I think it’s human nature but it weighs on you. Sometimes, I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

I have prayed for things to go a certain way and it doesn’t pan out. There have been so many times where I’m actually glad something else came along and I would have been contractually obligated to stay doing something I didn’t really want to do.

I was in Malahide once with my mum and this man came over and said her name — he had worked with her in Templemore when she entertained the idea of being a guard.

He was with [U2 drummer] Larry Mullen Jr. We all sat down and had a pint together and Larry Mullen Jr. said: “I’d love to give you just a little piece of advice.” He said: “Don’t look at the things a person is offering you and, and ask yourself, ‘Do I want this?’ Look at the person who’s offering it to you and ask yourself, ‘Do I want to be like them?’”

That really stuck with me, it was about a decade ago.

I wouldn’t care less if I was celebrated or if it was a big monumental thing that I left behind. I would just hope that I’m remembered as being the opposite of anything cruel.

If I were the sum total of all my experience, I would change nothing. I feel like I’m on the right track.

I am trying my absolute best in every way I can to make sure that I’m not leaving anything cruel in my wake or impacting the lives of animals or people in a negative way. I annoy my family and my friends. I keep talking about plastic Tupperware and reusable bags to go shopping.

My greatest skill is pretending that I’m not anxious. Just the other night, we had to do a Q&A for Northern Lights and I came out in a rash all over my neck — I just wanted to get it over and done with. Everyone says I’m fairly articulate and calm. It shocks me that it’s not visible.

I’m always surprised when you’re in London when you find yourself banging into somebody that they can be pleasant. It’s such a lovely human moment. So often, you’re pre-empting somebody being frustrated and annoyed.

I’m not a big fan of flying but I’m overcoming it. I have to do it and I do it. There’s no question that I’m getting on the plane.

I’m studying psychology now because who knows when this thing is going to end — our job isn’t a necessity. I’m doing an online full-time course with Dublin City University. I’m very interested in the malfunctions of the mind and how trauma as kids can impact your attachment styles as an adult or your processing of emotions.

• Northern Lights starring Elva Trill premieres November 14 on TG4