Ask Audrey: Our coffee business is called My Body is a Ballintemple

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting heady on our WhatsApp group — Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Stop Laughing Because You Are Wearing Last Year’s Hat.

Ruby_SmokeThatDoobie hopped on the chat yesterday morning with a photograph of Emer Cronin-Buckley wearing a baseball hat in Crookhaven and we’ve been buzzing about it since. 

It kicked off a meme tournament where we all tried our hand at showing Emer making a giant faux pas. 

I thought Fifi_5Mill had it with a doctored image of Emer in Birkenstocks (very 2019), but Fawn_IncredibleLawn carpe-ed the old diem with an actual image of Emer queuing to view a house in Glanmire. 

I don’t know what’s worse there, the queueing or the viewing.

Anyway, we finally stopped going OMG at Emer and her terrible choices and started sharing images of the oversized Panama hats we’re wearing on the Douglas Road this season, trés 2023 — doubt if that message has reached Ballinlough yet, probably not.

Kiera_NoFear showed us this absolute beaut she bought online from China, I said 'how much?'. She said '14 grand'. I said 'from China?'.  She said 'it’s made by kids but they’re in fee-paying school so that makes it okay'.

So, Audrey, I was wondering what’s the right amount to spend on an oversized Panama hat this summer?

Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what are you wearing on your head this summer? She said, a tiara, I’m after marrying the Prince of Luxembourg.

C’mere, what’s the story with dating a global megastar? I got a message there from Taylor Swift on Instagram saying that she really ‘digged’ a video I posted of my dog eating a 99 in Crosshaven.

Now, I know from listening to Neil Prendeville that there are a lot of scammers out there, but this looked legit, so I messaged her back: “Thanks Girl, he do also be mad for the Calippo."

I thought I’d hear no more about it, but didn’t she send another message saying that she’s single now again and is there any chance I’d send her on a photo of me without a Liverpool jersey on. 

I sent back one of me in the Cork hurling goalie jersey but that seemed to annoy her, and the next message was a cranky request to send her a photo with my top off.

No bother, Dowcha Donie is no stranger to the weights, and she obviously liked what she saw because the next message was a clip of her singing a song: “Oh Donie, so lonely, on my own again, Single Taylor, you want to a date her, In LA, I’ll come and get, private jet, out of Cork.”

Do you think I should say yes?

Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My niece is a big Taylor Swift fan. I rang her there and said, do you think this a Deep Fake pretending to be Taylor Swift? My niece said: "Like totes Audrey, there’s no way she’d date someone from the northside." #Snobby

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond.

I had a wash out on the line this morning when the wind whipped up a bit and brought a proper stink up the main street in Ballydesmond. 

Berna came marching in my front door and said: “Jesus Christ Rosealeen, this is a new low, what have they got against taking a shower in Scartaglin?”

I told her to calm the kaks, that smell couldn’t be coming from Scart, the wind is from the east, but I do agree that someone needs to have a word with them about their personal hygiene.

"No Berna", I said to her, "this is slurry from Timmy Flahive’s place, and I already out the door on my way up to tell him to stop spreading the pig shite when I’m trying to dry my knickers".

In his door I marched and there he was naked just out of the shower: suffice to say his dirty old farmers clothes are concealing a gorgeous body — straight into the sack with two of us.

Pillow talk then later on, I says "Timmy Flahive, stop spreading shite" and he said, "I will if you come on holidays with me to Lanzarote."

Is this a good idea tell me, he’s an ignorant old tool if I’m being honest?

Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I wouldn’t recommend a fortnight in the Canaries with a man you don’t fancy. I do it every year with My Conor and it isn’t doing either of us any good.

So, ya, here comes summer and I’ve just spent 150 bucks on a beard trim so I will look REAL serving Lungos out of a horsebox with my man Bryan with a Y at a beach frequented by people in 200 quid flip flops.

Our coffee business is called My Body is a Ballintemple — incredible name and I can almost hear you up in Ballinlough going 'what’s a Lungo, is it a Fiat?' because what would you know.

A Lungo is an espresso with a measure of hot water added... anyone who is anyone is drinking them now, get with it, ya.

The only thing I don’t know is where is best beach for My Body is a Ballintemple?

Ed, Ballintemple

I’d recommend Portstewart Strand in north Antrim. I know zero about the beach, but at least you’ll be 500 kilometres away from Cork.