Ryan Love: 'I first attempted suicide when I was 14 and a half'

"Those challenges have been tough, there were very dark times I had to fight to overcome over the years; it’s still a constant battle. It’s not something that I go: ‘Oh, yeah, I achieved that. And I overcame that challenge.’ I still take it day by day."

Sat, 01 Apr, 2023 - 20:57

Mary Cate Smith

I’m from a big family. In typical Irish fashion, mum’s one of eight, and dad’s one of nine. So family has always been hugely important in Enniskillen, where I’m from. I was a very quiet, shy, hide-in-the-corner-with-a-book type. Reading was my thing — I loved being tucked away with a book and writing my own stuff. That’s where it all started, thanks to mum introducing me to the Roald Dahl collection. The Harry Potter series was a huge influence too.

The first time I read Matilda, I fell in love. Mum was a big reader. She was the one who encouraged me to pick up a book, zone out, and just find somewhere — a different world — to escape. I think that’s what it was for her as well. She saw that I was a little different — I wasn’t into sports. Not quite a loner, but I struggled in school to fit in.

My parents have been a huge part of my life and shaped the things that have happened. When I was 11, my dad had a triple bypass. Being the eldest of five kids, that made me grow up quite fast. I was a bit of an ‘old head on young shoulders’.

I think things happen for a reason and that the path that I’m on was the path I was meant to be on. I’ve had a bit of a rollercoaster journey in terms of my own mental health and my depression. I first attempted suicide when I was 14 and a half.

Those challenges have been tough, there were very dark times I had to fight to overcome over the years; it’s still a constant battle. It’s not something that I go: ‘Oh, yeah, I achieved that. And I overcame that challenge.’ I still take it day by day. It’s ongoing for me, being in the world we live in right now.

My book ( Arthur and Teddy Are Coming Out) is definitely up there with my proudest achievements because that was my childhood dream that I had almost given up on. I just had this urge to make it happen during lockdown and thank God, I don’t know who was looking down on me, but I got there. Even with the incredible luck I’ve had with the book experience, there are still bad days.

Another one [proud moment] would be my resolve to keep going because of what happened when I was at school — an overdose and attempted suicide. I sort of lost my path. As a 15-year-old, I left school, I was homeschooled. I lost sight of the goals that I had because I always envisioned going to uni and doing all the completely normal things, and having a career.

I feel like I lost most of my 20s, so I’m really proud to have come out the other side. I’m about to turn 34 and most of my 30s are like “shit, things actually can work out for me”.

I definitely developed resilience and the ability to do things for myself. I wasn’t being spoonfed at school. I was very lucky to have a good relationship with my parents and to have them to guide me. Being removed from the school environment really made me stand on my own two feet.

Mum is the person that I would turn to first.

Mum has been the biggest inspiration in my life. No offence to dad, but mum was just that person. From day one, I was a mama’s boy. She always had my corner, even through the tough times. One of the proudest things for me was to be able to dedicate this book to my mum.

I would have loved to have had my grandparents in my life, my mum’s mum and dad. They died in a car crash when she was 16. But, that means changing something that I think moulded her, which in turn made me who I am.

Climate change absolutely terrifies me. You can be so inspired by the small changes people make — and people like Greta — they’re trying to make a difference and highlight things that people are still trying to deny.

We try to do as good as we can in the situation we’re in. But there’s always more we can do.

My greatest skill is listening. I love being someone who people feel comfortable with — that they can talk to and turn to. Being the eldest, I’m often the one who my brothers and sisters can come to, and I love that — whether it’s for advice or just to listen.

So much surprises me in life; injustice and how people can be so cruel to each other. I think sometimes things are looking up, and then we take a step backwards. It’s fear most of the time when it comes to equal rights. Everything is so fragile. And that scares me a lot.

Not to sound corny, but the thing that scares me most is losing mum and dad. But on a more surface level, it’s just not making them proud.

If I took a different fork in the road, I really hope it still would have taken me here. I might have taken a slightly easier route and ended up going to uni to do the degree I wanted. I always wanted to go into political journalism, and ended up in entertainment journalism.

I moved to England when I was 19. I came over to do a journalism course. It was one of those moments where I chanced my arm and applied for an NCTJ course. I ended up with a lot of post-grads and managed my way to get my first job from there. I didn’t have my A-levels. I didn’t have a degree. It was that determination to get where I wanted — and that encouragement from my parents to keep on pushing no matter what.