Listen — Ask Audrey: The old man is attempting to cut me off, financially. How can I get him to stop?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting well royal on our WhatsApp group, 'Douglas Road Stunners Who Feel an Incredible Urge to Buy a New Outfit for the Queen’s Funeral'.

Fifi_CousinsAnEarl said she’s refreshing her Gmail every 2 minutes waiting for an official invitation to the big event because her Ken went to Clongowes and it would be a disgrace if they were overlooked. We banned Fifi for two years because Clongowes is just for guys who couldn’t get into Pres (someone needs to tell Simon Coveney). But we’re all buzzing now, because imagine if one of us did get the nod.

Karla_With-a-K-Beeatches started posting photos on Instagram of herself shooting at ducks to make herself more attractive to the royals. But she’s in trouble now because some jobsworth in the Council said you’re not allowed do that in Fitzgerald Park.

Clodagh_IrelandNeedsAMonarchy said she’s been crying solidly all week, full of regret she didn’t bother going into town when Liz visited Cork as that would have meant rubbing shoulders with the Norries.

Here’s my problem Audrey — like everyone else I feel an incredible surge of emotion since I heard the news about the Queen. The problem is I’m not actually sure what emotion I’m feeling. If I was being honest, I’d say it was a blend of excitement and a small bit of horniness. (My Ken doesn’t know his luck.) Is it wrong to feel excited and horny at this moment in time?

-Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang my sex therapist friend, Rampant Rita, and said: "Is it acceptable to get turned on by death?" She said: "It depends on the size of the will."

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Jesus but I’m afraid to leave the house in case Garth Brooks turns up in the village and insists on making me listen to one of his songs. Twas Berna who pointed it out to me during the week that he rocked up like a typical pushy Yank at Dick Mack’s bar and the clientele were forced to listen to him crooning about some misfortune or other. Christ on a bike, I thought people in rural Ireland had it tough, but it’s nothing compared to the procession of woes that befall American bogmen, that you hear about in a country music song.

I proposed that we put signs up on all approach roads to Ballydesmond, saying 'We’re grand actually Garth, maybe try Scartaglin'.  Well didn’t Garth Brooks fans start crawling out of every crevice in the place, accusing me of betraying the ordinary people of north Cork with my anti-Garth guff. 'Simple people is more like it' says I back to them at the meeting in the community hall, 'what’s wrong with ye that ye can’t look beyond him to more sophisticated acts like Meatloaf and Bonnie Tyler?'

Didn’t Hannah O’Mahoney stand up (varicose veins no problem to you now Hannah) and propose that I be forcibly sent to see a Garth Brooks concert to protect the good name of the town.

Motion carried, 136 to 1, even Berna voted against me, the dirty turncoat.

Could you give me a loan of a Stetson for the weekend, tell me?

-Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang my culchie cousin there — she’s called Heidi because she lives in West Cork. I said: "Do you have a Stetson?" She said: "What makes you think everyone in rural Ireland owns a Stetson?"

I said: "The people who got on the train in Mallow last Friday. #EverySingleOne"

So, I’m the richest supporter of Sinn Féin in Cork measured by the number of people who come up to me in the yacht club and say: "They’ll tax the bollocks off you Ed, why don’t you vote Fine Gael like the rest of us and let things carry on like they always do.”

Like, move over Grandpa, this town is going green, and I don’t mean Dan Boyle. I caused a furore in Ballintemple this week with my ‘Not My King’ poster aimed at Charles. My man Bryan-with-a-Y said: "Relax the kaks dude, he’s not my king either, but I’m not making a show of myself in front of the shit-hot business minds that live down here."

So I doubled-down and put a giant neon sign up in the old man’s drive: 'Not My King, read it and weep, ye capitalist scumbags'.

The old man is attempting to cut me off, financially. Not cool, old man. How can I get him to stop?

-Ed, Ballintemple

My mother threatened to cut me out of the will once. I said: "What would it take to get me back in?" She said: "Stop making jokes about my false teeth on Facebook." I said: "grand job". So I’m back in the will, and the jokes are on TikTok, she’d never look there.

C’mere, quick one. Could you have a word with the English and tell them to stop cancelling soccer matches just because someone died? No Chelsea-Liverpool match this weekend means I’ll have to go look at new kitchens with the old doll. There are people suffering out here, enough is enough.

Tell them that now, will ya?

-Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang the Premier League there, but the only option on their menu was to 'press the hash key if you’re a billionaire dictator who’d like to buy a club'. Maybe contact them on twitter?