My friends didn't invite me to their catch-up. Will I grow out of feeling left out?

It feels both self-indulgent and immature to be annoyed at my friends for meeting up without me

Women who have at least three close friends tend to have higher levels of life satisfaction, according to a study of 422 women, ages 31 to 77 years. Pic: iStock.

Over the years, my friendships have formed into pods of three. I’ve come to realise there is a wrong end in threesomes.

The saying "three's a crowd" exists for a reason, says Kate Leaver, author of The Friendship Cure, Reconnecting in the Modern World. Kate describes her book as a manifesto for modern friendship, where she speaks to friends and experts on how to navigate the world of female friends from "breaking up" with someone who isn't good for you to maintaining our oldest friendship, and fostering newer connections for different periods of your life. 

Kate Leaver

"The world’s not set up for it: think about restaurant tables, emergency contact forms, rollercoaster seats, the format of bridal parties. They’re all designed to push us to choose one other person, to prioritise. So, it's inevitable that slight imbalances of intimacy, attention, chemistry, and time might pop up.” 

For my part, I’m in multiple threesomes and they aren’t always plain sailing. In two of them, I am the odd one out due to location. Any moments of jealousy can be explained away with simple geography: I live further away and after we do get to meet, I glow brighter from having seen them.

Professor of counselling and Higher Education at Illinois University, Suzanne Degges-White and Marcela Kepic, Associate Professor of Practice, Disability and Psychoeducational Studies Member at the University of Arizona conducted a study in 2020 on friendship, subjective age, and life satisfaction in women between the ages of 31 to 77. The results revealed that women who had at least three close friends tended to have higher levels of life satisfaction, and reported feeling younger than those with less than three close friends.

Sometimes, though, the tide can turn expectedly in groups of three.

In one of my friendship trios, we all live at equal distances from each other. If you plotted us on a map, it would make a pleasing triangular shape, not unlike a nacho. The three of us always meet together. We live so close, why not? So when I found out that one side of the nacho had a party and asked only the other side of the nacho I was hurt.

“And I wasn’t invited”, I told my husband later, finishing my story of the uncovered party. Hearing myself, I was surprised at how rejected I sounded. He listened as I ruled out possible explanations for my exclusion. My phone was working, I hadn’t been rude, and it wasn't a family event because the other nacho side was invited. There was nothing to soften the blow. I just wasn’t invited.

I asked Dr Irene S. Levine, PhD, psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog about dealing with trio based friendships. They tend to be "awkward", she said.

Dr Irene Levine, editor of The Friendship Blog

“It’s not unusual for two people in a group of three to merely “click” and get along better. Simply put, friendship twosomes are often easier and less complex.” 

Three’s are complex and I’ve gotten it wrong before. I’ve excluded friends through lack of thought and I’ve needed to apologise afterwards, and I've often been excluded before too. But finding out about my exclusion unexpectedly meant it stung more. So, I exhausted myself trying to find the exact moment when I put myself out of the running without once considering if I actually wanted to go. A hired room full of new people and helium is actually something I’d lie to get out of.

Web developer Liam Burke realised that as you mature, your interests evolve. Along with Louanne Vautour, he co-founded BFF Finder, a new online platform helping people find new friends based on similar interests. 

“I’ve always been a one-to-one person, I don’t thrive in groups as an introvert, even in a group of three feels the same to me as a group of twelve.” 

With 55% of BFF Finder's members being over the age of 34, and 63% women, Liam says that many of these women are joining up because their needs are not being met by their existing friend groups. 

"Members already have a couple of friends but they don’t have some interests in common.” 

According to Dr Levine; “If two of the friends have more similar interests, then this can create more closeness between them. As a consequence, the third person can feel neglected or less important.” 

Is it any wonder that people are reaching out on social media, joining websites and putting themselves out there to fill the gaps in their friendships? There are moments with friends, old or new when you feel like part of you is shared with them and they are the moments we feel that spark and come alive. Not only does it feel good but it’s healthy too. Studies have shown that positive friendships can lead to lower blood pressure, boost our self-esteem, lower our stress levels and even increase our chances of living longer. With so much to gain, friendships are worthy of our thought.

This was never more true than during the pandemic. With catch-ups limited to WhatsApp, video calls, doorstep chats, or outdoor meetings on stiff benches, friendships were tested and who we met became almost a moral choice. Kate Leaver believes that lockdown allowed us to recalibrate and evaluate our friendships. 

“It’s very natural, as a response to such a big scale upheaval, to reassess who you want to spend your time with in life. Any heightened sense of our own mortality will prompt us to think that way.” 

Waterford-based textile designer, Jacqui Kelleher certainly experienced this. 

Jacqui Kelleher found that when she had a baby, she lost touch with friends who didn't have babies.

“I definitely lost friendships that I thought were stronger. But I had a baby too during that time and the women whose friendships I lost don’t have kids, so maybe that has something to do with it. It was like the lockdown kept going and those women just didn’t show up again. We were confronted with so much all at once and during it the strength in some friendships shone a light on the weakness in others. So now I make the effort to be around the people I want to be around. I get all I need from the friends I have now.” 

Younger women are often juggling so many priorities, says Dr Levine.

“After their 20s, women are likely to be torn between work and family responsibilities. Getting together with friends feels more discretionary compared to other responsibilities. Being part of a group gives women "permission" to spend time with friends because sometimes friendships may even seem self-indulgent.” As a 39-year-old woman lying awake wondering why I’ve been left out I feel not just self-indulgent but immature. I wondered if friendship woes are something I might grow out of in later life?

Is this something we learn to accept with ageing, I ask Dr Elaine Dunne, Department of Psychiatry for Old Age at Cork University Hospital?

“Generally, family becomes the primary relationship in older people’s lives and meets their social needs. Their peers are often siblings, in-laws or other family members. Also, their children grow into the confidante that their friends were earlier in life.” 

She suggests that broadly speaking in older life “friends can drift apart as they aren’t physically able to meet up as easily. There doesn’t tend to be animosity about it, it just happens.” 

Listening to Dr Dunne, I can’t help but put things in perspective. I was slighted but it was a hiccup in a friendship that brings me pleasure and support when I need it and I hope I do the same for them.

Friendships bring connection and fun so while I am young enough to enjoy my friendships, I plan to do exactly that. Let’s keep seeking out people we feel good with and let go of those we don’t. Our social lives have been on hold for two years, it's time to hang up and put effort into the friendships that bring us joy, regardless of their number. If I want a party invite, then I’ll host one. But for now, I’ll go hug my family and call my Mum, because she’s my confidante too.