Listen — Ask Audrey: 'They're looking for bikini models in Ballydesmond'

And c'mere, why is my cat giving me the stink eye like a gowl?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

How’re oo goin’ on? The wife is always mad for the new thing, I’d usually let her off because the alternative is a list of things that need doing around the house and I’d rather go to Mallow on my holidays than get involved with that carry on. Unfortunately she has crossed a line in recent days in a manner that threatens to undermine my very way of life. Long story short, she’s after falling in with the lactose intolerant crowd below in Bantry and has decided we have to give up the old milk. That’s awkward craic for a dairy farmer like myself but that’s only the start of it. It’s a well known fact in West Cork that drinking black tea is a sign that you are in league with the devil. I’ll be a laughing stock inside in Dunmanway and you know you’ve gone wrong somewhere in life when that shower of yahoos are looking down on you. I told the wife this and she said that I should look at almond milk and I said I might as well look at walking naked down the town with a sign on my back saying “I am a complete tool”. She’s not budging anyway and it looks like I will have to move to a more progressive town where black tea is an option. Where should I move to at all?

— Dan Paddy Andy, take a left just before you come into Dunmanway and keep an eye out for a fella eating a classic Magnum inside in a hedge.