Ask Audrey: A nudist colony in Dunmanway? I'm not one bit surprised

They're charging three grand off the back of it, the absolute gougers 
Ask Audrey: A nudist colony in Dunmanway? I'm not one bit surprised

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Now listen up Paddy. I’m just back from a meeting of the British Establishment where we sat around crying for an hour because the empire is gone and I don’t think we’ll ever get over it. Liz Truss was there, she’s the Minister for Shafting Foreigners or something and she was very sad because she was after getting into trouble on something called Twitter. Poor Liz tried to say the Irish word for Prime Minister, but she pronounced it as ‘Tea Sock’ and all hell broke loose. 

You had all these Paddies mocking her for her pronunciation, even though Taoiseach is the only Irish word most of you know and the vast majority of Micks hate your native language as much as you hate closing time. Honestly, there’s no gratitude with you people. We give you the best language in the world and still you insist on muttering away in your own unpronounceable gibberish. How backward. I don’t know how are we supposed to ever truly understand each other when you hide behind words like Tánaiste and Caoimhe, which I can write, but not pronounce. 

Look, between you and me, Liz Truss would probably struggle to get into three digits on an IQ test, so could you have a word with your man Coveney and tell him that we don’t want you using your Irish words anymore? 

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London and a rather large chunk of Jamaica.

I rang the department there, making sure I didn’t press 2 to talk to someone in Irish, because who in their right mind would ever do that? I told the nice girl your request and the official response was 'póg mo thóin'. I’d take that as a no.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Berna’s great crack after her first bottle of Prosecco and didn’t she whip out the phone the other night and sign up to a dating app to meet aristocrats called You Saucy Peasant. Two minutes later she’s chatting with this chap who goes by the name of De Prince XXX, and didn’t she arrange to meet him in Kanturk. 

Now, you might have heard the alarm bells above in Cork the same night, that was the sound inside my head going, Jesus Berna, this smells as fishy as a Castletownbere man in his best suit — sure what kind of aristocrat would be seen dead in Kanturk? But there’s no talking to Berna when the corks are popping — not only did she meet him (and then some), didn’t she arrange a second date yesterday and paraded him down the Main Street as some kind of prize. 

'Twas only when I took a closer look at him that I said, Berna, are you sure he isn’t Prince Andrew? Feck it anyway, she said, I knew there was something about him all the same, even though he told me his name is Kaspar and he’s third in line to the Danish throne. So listen Audrey, is there any test you could use to prove that someone isn’t Prince Andrew? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

There’s a very easy test actually. Ask him to pay the bill - if he says he has to ring his mother, that’s Andrew.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? It’s an awful balls the way they are leaving Irish people go on foreign holidays this year. It probably doesn’t affect Airbnb hosts in nice parts of West Cork, but there wouldn’t be much demand for our place just outside Dunmanway. 

Last year was magic — we were able to gouge the arse out of a lovely family from the midlands — they paid 3 grand for a week in our bungalow, they probably thought it was paradise given they spend the rest of the year in Tullamore. They’re off in Tenerife now, I suppose, and I’m stuck here without any bookings for July. Well, didn’t my brother Tim Pat Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy tell me that I should diversify, he called it, and chase the old Dutch and German pervert market with a nudist colony. I said, how does that work? 

He said, people walk around in the nip without feeling one bit embarrassed as if they were from Kinsale, and they’ll pay you a fortune for the privacy. Well, didn’t I start a website last night for our new nudist colony, it’s called Bollocks Naked, there’s no point in beating around the bush as the fella says. So, Audrey, would you be interested in coming down for a weekend with your husband?

— Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway.

No, I would not be interested in coming down with My Conor. He can stay in Cork.

It’s getting panicky on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Look Down on People Who Can’t Swim. Fifi_NoDoggyPaddle said she’s spending the price of a semi-d in Grange on swimming lessons because you don’t want to be shown up at the pool in Corsica, a lot of Europeans are like dolphins. 

I’m not actually great in the old pool because my mother spent my swimming lesson money on gin, growing up. So Audrey, do you know where I can get private swimming lessons in a hurry, preferably with a hunk?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I certainly do. I’m seeing this Italian guy at the moment, he’s an expert at the breaststroke. He’s a fairly good swimming instructor as well.

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