Richard Hogan: Stop using the term ‘toxic masculinity’, it's not fair on men

It really wasn’t helpful to class all masculinity as a sickness, writes Richard Hogan

Richard Hogan: I work with teenage boys and girls both clinically and as a teacher. It struck me, over the years, that boys really struggled with positive male identity. All this talk of toxic male behaviour, and subjugating patriarchy made them view themselves as something oppressive and malevolent.

It hasn’t always been easy, being a man. The behaviour of a few bad men, over the years, meant we were all tarred with the one brush. 

I never liked the term ‘toxic masculinity’ because men are masculine, and women are feminine, of course, women can be masculine as men can be feminine. But, classifying masculinity as some sort of pathology was lazy and did a disservice to those of us, the majority, who are proud of being men and don’t harbour misogynistic views. 

But of course, there were moments, in recent times, where we all held our heads in shame; the shocking death of Ashling Murphy in January as she jogged in her local area, Nadine Lott beaten to death in her kitchen by her ex-boyfriend, Jastine Valdez walking home from a long day’s work abducted and murdered in daylight and the senseless murder of the teenager Ana Kriégel by her male classmates, disturbed all of us and made us all look at ourselves as men, deeply.

I work with teenage boys and girls both clinically and as a teacher. It struck me, over the years, that boys really struggled with positive male identity. All this talk of toxic male behaviour, and subjugating patriarchy made them view themselves as something oppressive and malevolent. It seemed like there was nothing to celebrate about being a boy or a man. 

I really felt for them, and worked to build their self-esteem in the face of such negative media attention. Everyone jumped on the ‘toxic masculinity’ boat, Nike and Gillette to mention a few. Of course, the hypocrisy of Nike with reports on how their sweatshops allegedly took advantage of vulnerable girls down the years, lost on most consumers. Like any good marketing strategy, they jumped on the anti-men zeitgeist as soon as it was popular. 

As far as I saw it, people like Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby weren’t doing their terrible deeds because they were masculine, they did them because they were particularly abhorrent individuals. And it really wasn’t helpful to class all masculinity as a sickness. Over the last number of days, the world has watched, horrified, as images of exhausted women and children fleeing Ukraine flood our screens. The stress on each mother's face as they attempt to protect their children from the horrors of what is going on, particularly moving. 

There is such steel in these women, as they make the long journey to safety. What has also struck me is the amount of ordinary men staying to fight for their country so their families have a future to come back to. So, their world can be in peace and free from the torment of a narcissistic bully. 

The sacrifice of these men is incredible. But does it get the media attention it deserves? 

It seems to me there is an expectation that men should quietly sacrifice their lives to defend their country. And while I think we would all fight to defend our way of life from tyranny, I think it is important also to highlight the extraordinary lengths these ordinary men are willing to go, to protect freedom. 

We don’t hear much talk of ‘toxic masculinity’ as ordinary men have to take up arms and face the might of a superpower, almost certainly facing death. We don’t hear much talk of equality as men are conscripted into fighting a desperate bloody war and we also don’t hear much talk of celebrating these men that give everything. Those dissenting voices are always muted in a crisis like this. Like the men whose blood washed up on the beaches of Normandy so we could all live in peace. They gave the ultimate sacrifice so we could have a life. Did we truly honour their sacrifice? 

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Over the last number of days many men have returned to Ukraine from abroad to defend their country from Russia. Their determination to defend democracy in the face of oppression is inspiring. We should do more to celebrate it, that is masculinity, and that should be honoured. That is no small thing. Listening to the Mayor of Kyiv, Vitali Klitschko, speaking this week I was overwhelmed with pride. 

Here is a man who has spent his entire life fighting. He has amassed a significant amount of wealth and here he is standing in a war-torn street in Kyiv, flak jacket and helmet on, telling the Russians; ‘Go back home, you have nothing to find here’. 

It would have been easy for him to seek asylum and protect his life and wealth and who would have criticised him? But he decided to stay as a symbol of resilience and undaunted metal ready to fight to protect his people. That’s masculinity. President Zelenskyy has shown great dignity in the way he has faced down this tyrant. He has taken Putin by surprise. There can be no doubt of that.

Women have stayed, too. They will be integral in this next phase of the war, resistance. There is a very real sense that Kyiv, a highly defendable city, could become the new Aleppo. If this happens, the horror Putin is willing to visit on his own people and the innocent people of Ukraine will play out, nightly, on our TV screens. 

The ordinary men who have refused to allow their way of life to be eradicated by the will of one, is truly inspiring. These men deserve to be celebrated and honoured. They are heroes.