Eleanor Tiernan: Pressure to be successful is exhausting - but since I turned 40, I don't care

In her column, the comedian tells us why she's okay with letting people walk all over her

Eleanor Tiernan: turning 40 has come with life lessons.

Ever since I turned 40, a slow realisation has been dawning on me. It’s that perhaps I am not humanity’s leading lady. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter in the greater scheme of things whether this Gen-X comedian from Roscommon achieves legendary status. For decades, I’ve been pursuing personal success with an anxious fervour that imagines anything less than world domination as a failure. It contains the assumption that me being on top is just how it’s supposed to be.

Now, however, with social media bringing a mountain of evidence of other people’s genius into my awareness, my belief in my own is structurally failing. What’s surprising to me, however, is that not only do I not feel perturbed by this new feeling, but I quite enjoy it.

The relentless pressure to “be something” these days is exhausting. It entails frantic, performative energy that places all value on getting things right, and none on what you actually enjoy doing. I'm starting to look at successful people and think "God, you poor thing. What did it cost you to separate yourself from the rest of us like that?". Yes, I'm saying it. Not being successful is the new successful.

Stay with me, peeps. Of course, it sounds like exactly the thing someone would say if they wanted to make excuses for themselves. And there are no doubt folks who would argue that I’ve done a good job of avoiding success in my life. But setting that aside for a moment, in the world of “success”, nothing will ever be enough, so maybe it’s time to start questioning it.

I relish the chances to turn away from success now. I let some people walk all over me a while ago, and I gotta say, it felt very liberating. It happened in Bantry last summer. I was down doing some filming in the area, but had an evening free and, it being a balmy one, I found a restaurant with seating outside, where I could sit and watch the world go by. A dilemma arose, however, when the maître d' showed me the seating options. They were a) just one lone seat at the bar facing a glass wall, or b) a table out in the open for three people. He gave no indication as to what his preference was but mine was for the table.

So I installed myself at the expansive table. I allowed my belongings to roll around polka dot oilcloth and began perusing the menu. However, no sooner had I picked it up but another group of people entered the restaurant. Over my shoulder, I heard the maître d' explain to them that the last table had gone and now there were no seats for them. It would be a 30-minute wait, he said. I stared hard at the menu hoping they wouldn't notice me and the empty seats to my left and right.

My mind, however, couldn't leave the situation alone. Memories of hearing how difficult the pandemic has been for the hospitality industry were emblazoned in my mind. Thoughts of my friends who work in it have had their hopes dashed over and over by changing tiers and legislation. I remembered too, nights when I’d been walking around town hungry, and unable to get a table in a restaurant. I was wracked with guilt, but God dammit, I was here first and why should I give up my table for them? To be successful in life I’d have to not be a pushover.

But then I remembered that I'm tired of feeling like that, and so I took a chance. I turned around and said, "You can have this one, I'll move to the bar". To my relief all three were ecstatic. It would have been so disappointing to have given up the good table, only for them to be revealed to be ungrateful bellends.

And then I saw that the party of people I gave up my seat for contained someone I knew. My gesture had been elevated even further. Now I had gone from merely doing something nice for someone else to being "caught" doing something nice. Hurray! My good deed wasn't going to only live on in strangers' minds. People who knew me saw it too. Try as I might, there was no getting away from it, I was now thoroughly decent. I let people walk all over me, and it felt good.

Don’t worry, I’ll still be a selfish twat from time to time, but it will happen on my schedule, and not in a universe that requires world domination from me.