Ask Audrey: The Russians wouldn't want to get that close to Kanturk

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting cosmetic on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Haven’t Aged a Minute Since the Start of the Pandemic. Orla_5grandChin kicked it all off on Tuesday when she told us that the hot bar-tender in her fav cocktail spot didn’t flirt with her last Saturday night, even though her jumpsuit cost more than his annual salary. Three Mojitos later, didn’t she ask him why he wouldn’t give her the eye, and he said, sorry girl, you’re older than I thought, now that you have the mask off. Fifi_BackFromMartinique said only two guys hit on her in Barry’s during the Munster match on Sunday, and one of them was from Carrigaline. It seems like we’ve all crossed into early middle-aged-woman-face during the last two years and anything we try now will make us look like a cougar. To make matters worse, Emer Cronin-Buckley was spotted out on Saturday night and isn’t the bee-atch after getting a whole new set of cheekbones over in Dubai. Worse again, My Ken is after following her on Instagram and there’s a bit of history there. So Audrey, I was wondering, could you have word with the powers that be and ask them to bring back all the restrictions until I sort out a bit of work on my nose? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what would your advice be to a Douglas Road Stunner who is having trouble with her nose? She said, tell her to lay off the marching powder. #NotAllDouglasRoadStunners

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. There’s a new Russian hanging around the town and isn’t Berna after getting it into her head that he’s some class of spy. She called into my place on the way back from Tantric Line Dancing on Tuesday night, in an awful state she was, after bumping into some chap called Igor on the road below. He asked her what night was the bingo in Scartaglin and it set her alarm bells ringing, because everyone knows there isn’t an ounce of bingo in Scartaglin, and the place a cultural wasteland, widely regarded as Kerry’s answer to Kiskeam. Berna’s take is that “what night is the bingo in Scartaglin” is some kind of code question and your man is obviously working for the KGB. I said, what did you say to him? She said, I told him the truth, there is no bingo. And what happened then says I, and she said, he showed me a photo of his aircraft-carrier. I said is that your own code for his meat and two veg and she said, no, it was a real aircraft carrier. Well, we agreed that he’s either a spy or a fan of aircraft-carriers and it’s hard to know which is worse. Do I need to tell the Guards? 

-Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang the Russian embassy there and said, are ye thinking of invading Ballydesmond. The guy said, don’t be ridiculous – who in their right mind would want to get that close to Kanturk?

C’mere, what’s the story with forgiving your old doll for having a fling? She brought me in a cup of tea there last night and said the words that no man wants to hear – do you mind if I invite me Mam over for dinner? I started crying and she said I’m only messing Donie, what I meant to say is I had a one night stand with the Spanish lad working in Circle K. I said nice one girl, you had me going there, but I’m devastated that you feel the need to play away from home. Anyway, I called down to the Circle K last night to see what I was up against, and your man is sound out. He’s actually a Liverpool fan like myself, even though he comes from Madrid. I never heard of people following a team from another city -bonkers. To be honest with ya, I have more in common with him than the old doll, but not in a gay way before you ask. Now, we’ve been trying to let the spare room for ages and he happened to mention that he’s kipping on a couch. Do you think it would be a good idea to invite him in? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

It’s a tricky one. I remember years ago My Conor and I were looking for a house-mate. He said, could I trust you with an Italian. I said, absolutely, I do a mean carbonara. He said, what about an Italian man? I said, they’re brilliant at carbonara as well. He said, Audrey, could I trust you alone in the house with an Italian man when I’m away on business? I said, Jesus no.

Hey dude. So, my family didn’t get where we are in Cork society without recognising which way the wind is blowing. To that end, I for one welcome our new Russian overlords. One day they’re conducting missile tests off our coast, the next they’re marching down the Marina looking for a few bevs. So I’ve opened up a pop up vodka experience for them down by Blackrock Village. What do you think I should call it?

- Ed, Ballintemple

My cousin is a big fan of pub names, which is one step above stamp-collecting on the snooze front. I said, what would be a good name to attract Russians to a bar in Cork? He said, ‘C’mere Vladimir’.