Domestic abuse and coercive control: Are men inherently violent and misogynistic?

Richard Hogan looks at domestic abuse and the dangers of coercive control 

Richard Hogan: While we have some staggering figures in relation to physical attacks against women, it is coercive control that finds little expression in data because the majority of women living under the control of their dominant male partner rarely speak about their experience for fear of retaliation.

One in two women murdered in Ireland are killed by their partner or ex-partner. Globally speaking; 87,000 women are murdered around the world each year. 80% of those women are killed by an intimate partner or family member. That is a frightening statistic and a sobering reminder to all of us about the dangers women experience in their daily life. Between 1996 and 2020, 147 women have died, on this small island, at the hands of someone they loved. Whenever I write about violence perpetrated against women I receive emails suggesting I’m just a puppet driving the liberal feminist agenda of the Irish Examiner. 

But those kinds of remarks are designed to distract us from an important discussion. Are men inherently violent and misogynistic? Are men safer on our streets than women? Does the court system in Ireland need to be more punitive when it comes to dealing with violence against women and are our attempts at education working? Good solutions require good analysis, and both men and women need to be involved in drafting policies and educational programmes so as to design a framework that addresses the issues in a systemic way.

Unfortunately, it seems, violence will always be a part of our society. Yet, sexual jealously and violence are a serious blight on our civilisation. We have far too many cases, in recent times, of women being murdered by someone they knew. The case of Nadine Lott, provoked particular outrage on this island because of the heinous nature of her death. In her victim impact statement, Nadine’s mother, Mrs Lott recounted her terrible ordeal finding her beautiful daughter gravely injured, ‘Nadine, my daughter, my baby was beyond recognition, she was gasping… all I could do was lie on the floor holding her hand, trying to give her comfort’. 

No parent should have to hold the hand of their dying child because their ex-partner decided they should die. 

In England, the case of Sarah Everard, sexually assaulted and murdered by an off duty police officer garnered global attention. But these cases seem more frequent. Coronavirus has brought into focus the issue of domestic abuse. When we analyse the data we clearly see, the majority of violence perpetrated against women are in societies that have less than progressive attitudes towards women. When a culture implicitly positions women as ‘less than’ it allows for all sorts of abhorrent behaviour to be perpetrated against them. While our society is more progressive, it is clear we need a further cultural shift. By promoting a more inclusive society and developing positive programmes that teach our children about respect, we have the chance of improving our culture. It’s not about men being inherently bad, but more about changing the culture so boys who have grown up in dysfunction and violence do not carry that forward into their relationships.

The reality is the majority of people murdered are men by other men, but the majority of people being murdered in their home are women by men. And the majority of people sexually abused and raped are women by men. In my work as a family psychotherapist I see, first hand, the complexity of the issue. While we have some staggering figures in relation to physical attacks against women, it is coercive control that finds little expression in data because the majority of women living under the control of their dominant male partner rarely speak about their experience for fear of retaliation. 

Working with women living in constant fear for their life is one of the most challenging experiences as a clinical psychotherapist. 

I have heard the same narrative by many women under the control of a male partner; slow incremental separation from friends and family, source of income denied, reliance on the partner for food and shelter, inconsistent physical outbursts followed by tender moments, until their identity has been completely and utterly erased. They feel they have no hope. They are constantly being reminded that if they attempt to leave they will be brutally punished. I spoke with one member of An Garda Síochána recently about this issue and he said that he had witnessed some terrible cases where women were so dominated by their partner they had completely lost any sense of who they are. One male partner, he described, stuck knives in each run of the stairs to remind his wife that if she attempted to leave or upset him he would stab her to death. This type of experience is far more pervasive than we would like to admit. 

We have to be absolute in our rejection of any kind of violence against women. It all comes back to parenting, what we show and teach our children will be the playbook by which they live. Teaching them respect, honour and decency will be the antidote to them becoming perpetrators of violence against women.