Ask Audrey: 'Is there any way to convince a 52-year-old woman that she isn’t Britney Spears?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: 'Is there any way to convince a 52-year-old woman that she isn’t Britney Spears?'

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

We’re getting Shock Factor Anxiety on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Would Like their Halloween Decorations To Be Visible From Space. Fifi_NewTesla said that she hasn’t slept in a week trying to come up with a theme for her Halloween decorations, 2021. Cliona_500EuroDryRobe said I hear you Fifi, and in fairness, you raised the terror bar for all of us last year, with that giant red sign saying Welcome to the Northside. Fifi said I can’t go near that again this year because my Ken got word that we’re being watched by the Sunday's Well Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Norries.

Rosa_ItsYoungerI’mGetting said she heard that the government are thinking of putting a wealth tax on new chins and we all said that sounds like a brilliant scare story for the Douglas Road and she said, no, I actually HAVE heard they are going to do this, and it was on WhatsApp as well babes, so it must be true. This seems like an act of terrorism Audrey, it’s hard enough to bewitch people with your incredibly youthful looks, without the government hounding you into a saggy jaw. Do you know if Rosa is telling the truth about the chin tax, or is she just bitter after Fifi outed her for having an account in the Credit Union?

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

My neighbour is big into the Face Lift scene. I said, what’s the story with this new chin tax? He said, I’ll just have to suck it up. I said, the extra cost. He said, no, my chin!! #Hilaire

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My friend Berna suffers from terrible delusions and for a while there she saw herself as North Cork’s answer to Britney Spears, which makes you wonder what the question must have been. ‘What do you call a six-foot-three ginger haired-woman with two left feet, from a mile east of Ballydesmond?’ Not Britney Spears anyway, Berna, I said to her, but the woman is as stubborn as the crowd over in Scartaglin, who are still holding out against the metric system. 

Well, didn’t she ring me in a tizzy during the week telling me Britney had come out in the papers and said that her family had caused her no end of hurt, and now Berna felt she should do the same? I said, what has Britney Spear’s family ever done to you and she said, no, you gowl of a woman, I mean my own family? I said, your family are some of the nicest people you could meet, even though your mother is from Kiskeam. She said, I know, I’m fierce lucky that way, but I feel like I’d be letting Britney down if I didn’t support her by disowning the lot of them. 

So tell me Audrey, is there any way to convince a 52-year-old woman on the Cork-Kerry border that she isn’t, in fact, Britney Spears?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Don’t mock it ‘til you’ve tried it. I told my Conor that I think I might be Cristiano Ronaldo. He said, why? I said, I’m actually getting better at scoring with five minutes to go. #NightClubsAreBack!

C’mere, what’s the story with karma? I do be waking up in the middle of the night these days, yelling ‘Yes, Yes, oh my God Yes!’ and the old doll do be accusing me of dreaming about Anika from the depot, which I do be doing too, but this is more that I never thought I’d live to see the day when Man United would be like a poor man’s Cobh Ramblers. So now I have this recurring dream where I have all the Man United fans I know in a room, and I’m forcing them to watch the Liverpool match from last Sunday on a loop. 

I told Budgie, but he said it’s bad karma to gloat now in case the wheel turns again and Liverpool are on a downward slide. I said, Budgie, they crowed at us long enough and he said, exactly, and look at them now. So like, is there such a thing as karma if you’re a Liverpool fan?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My niece has a shop selling eastern spiritual stuff, we call her Here-Before Fiona. I said, what does Hinduism mean to you? She said about 15 grand per annum. #Cynical

Guten Tag, Jurgen here. All week the Paddys in my office have been asking if the time change this weekend means they get an extra hour in bed on Sunday morning, or one hour less. I said, who cares, it’s Sunday, get up when you feel like it? They shout no Jurgen - we need to know because if it is one hour more, then we will drink extra hard on Saturday night. If it is one hour less, we need to get our hands on some Solpadeine or Nurofen Plus, because we will still drink extra hard on Saturday night. What is wrong with you people – it’s just one Saturday night?

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

Ah, I think there’s more to it than that. My friend is a Professor of History and Folklore – I said, do Irish people drink more in late October because we feel closer to the spirit world. He said, no, it’s because we’re borderline alcoholics – most of us think Spirit World is the name of an off-licence.

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