Bernard O'Shea: My homemade deodorant burnt my armpits in the most idiotic and painful way

Hindsight is a great thing, Bernard O'Shea says as he reflects on everything that went wrong with his DIY deodorant experiment

Bernard O'Shea has learned the hard way what not to do when making your own deodorant. Picture: Moya Nolan

Did you know that Viagra was originally invented to cure blood pressure? A similar phenomenon happened to me when I tried to make my own homemade deodorant.

Every Tuesday I do a radio slot on the Dermott and Dave Show on Today FM. I usually harp on about some oddity that catches my attention and the lads pitch in their own thoughts.

Recently I was talking about reading the ingredients of breakfast cereals as a kid. I never studied or had my homework done but I knew all the ingredients that went into corn flakes. Also the age-old tradition of perusing shampoo bottles on the throne.

I pitched the idea that instead of boring old 'Riboflavin' or 'Aqua', companies should put short stories on their products instead. Dave Moore brilliantly called it 'Beyond the Ingredients' It was during one of my private ablutions while reading the ingredients of my deodorant that I was inspired to do just that and find out exactly what I was putting under my arms every day.

For instance one of the ingredients was 'aluminium'. That's what my kitchen sink is made of why is it in my roll-on? According to skin website derment.org: “Aluminium-based antiperspirants work by blocking the sweat ducts, thereby reducing the amount of sweat that reaches the skin's surface.” But it took me a least half an hour to find the right phrasing on Google to find out what purpose the aluminium served. Instead, I wandered into a massive online Pandoras' Box debating the pro and cons of aluminium. The same went for ingredients like 'dimethicone', 'steareth-21' and 'calcium silicate' that were in my antiperspirant.

All of these ingredients will throw up results from being carcinogenic to being perfectly fine for you. That’s the frustrating nature sometimes of the internet, it can be devoid of nuance but bursting to the seams with information.

We have a long history of applying stench-crunching chemicals to our skin. Lead was a popular ingredient in make-up for hundreds of years, as was mercury and even deadly nightshade. All of them had a cosmetic benefit but their most prominent side effect after prolonged use was mostly death.

Some even suggest that whatever about using deodorant, we are washing ourselves too much. The Harvard Health Medical School website suggests “antibacterial soaps can actually kill off normal bacteria. This upsets the balance of microorganisms on the skin and encourages the emergence of hardier, less friendly organisms that are more resistant to antibiotics.” 

However, if you delve further into the digital sub-soil you’ll find that there is a growing cohort that suggests making your own homemade deodorant is the only way to go. That way you know exactly what’s keeping your pits at bay.

There are a least a hundred videos on YouTube on how to make your own and nearly all of them use similar ingredients: beeswax, coconut oil, cornflour and baking soda. This is the simplest form of deodorant to make, resembling a soap stick.

The beeswax and coconut oil give it rigidity and lubrication while the cornflour binds it together. However, it's the baking soda that keeps the smell at bay by absorbing the smell of sweat.

Just like baking a cake, I melted the wet stuff (the wax and oil) together using a 50/50 measurement in a makeshift bain-marie by way of a Pyrex jug and a saucepan of hot water. Then I added a cup of cornflour and a cup of baking soda. Eventually, it started to look like custard.

Then if you want or have any essential oils you can add in a few drops to give it a scent. I added in lemon oil that I borrowed (stole) from my wife's press.

It came together really quickly but I made an error. I had nothing to pour it into. I watched as it began to solidify on the stove. So I made a make-shift boat out of tinfoil and poured it into that.

After my shower the next morning I commenced the first trail of 'Bernaderent' (patent pending), my very own personal homemade deodorant. It had solidified well but my tin foil container wasn’t going to cut the mustard. You can buy specific containers online but, as always, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The other mistake I made was that I used way too much lemon oil. As I rubbed it into my armpits it smelt like I had washed myself in Lemsip and then dowsed myself in limoncello. That, however, wasn’t the biggest issue. That was to come three hours later.

Around mid-day still smelling of lemon fresh floor cleaner, my pits began to itch. Then to burn. The more I scratched the more it burned into my skin. 

Eventually I was back in the shower frantically trying to pluck clumps of yellow mush out of my underarm hair. I was literally waxing my armpits in the most idiotic and painful way conceivable.

I had a reaction to the baking powder as I put in three times the recommended amount (as always hindsight is a wonderful thing). With quasi burnt-waxed armpits, I decided after my second shower of the day to go deodorant-free. I had to for nearly a week to let my skin heal.

I looked at my large lemony lump of failure and thought, what could I do with this? It looked like a candle without its wick. Another three hours later after dismantling a candle I borrowed from my wife (stole) I lit the fuse on my new business venture 'B’o Candles'. The name was inspired by two things: my name and from its roots in body odour. But it wouldn’t light and kept going out. I had invented the world's most expensive un-flammable candle.

After some immature reflection, I surmised that the only time anyone has complained about my smell is when my wife and kids tell me that my boots pong. So I re-melted it into two long thin wafers and put them into my shoes overnight. Hey presto, it worked absolutely brilliantly.

So if you're looking for a cheap and safe way to keep your shoes and feet smelling fresh, just repeat my recipe or you can hold out and wait for Bernard’s Lemon Fresh Shoe Liners to hit the shops any time soon. The ingredients? Beeswax, coconut oil, cornflour, baking soda, lemon oil and stupidity. Lots and lots of stupidity.