Ask Audrey: Yoga helps skinny ones from Douglas Road stick their head further up their arse

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Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Or is it? You see, didn’t I get a phone call from my cousin the county councillor last week to tell me that he has swung a €20,000 grant for me to start my own yoga school if I was willing to change my name to Mairéad, ask no questions, tell no lies kind of crack. I said no dice you slimy backroom fixer, Mairéad is the kind of name you’d give to a nun. And I’m not sure there would be much demand for a yoga school up here in the wilds of Ballydesmond, it’s more of a thing for skinny ones from the Douglas Road inside in Cork who want to learn how to stick their heads even further up their arses. My cousin said, is there anything I can do to change your mind, and I said absolutely nothing unless the grant was €40,000 and didn’t he make it happen, the gowl. So I’ve a yoga school now, but I don’t know what to call it. Any ideas, tell me? Mairéad, Ballydesmond.

My cousin is big into Eastern philosophy, you don’t want to get stuck next to her at a wedding. I rang her there and said what would you call a yoga school in north Cork? She said, anything you like, they can’t hear you because they have their feet in their ears.