Ask Audrey: Yoga helps skinny ones from Douglas Road stick their head further up their arse

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Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Or is it? You see, didn’t I get a phone call from my cousin the county councillor last week to tell me that he has swung a €20,000 grant for me to start my own yoga school if I was willing to change my name to Mairéad, ask no questions, tell no lies kind of crack. I said no dice you slimy backroom fixer, Mairéad is the kind of name you’d give to a nun. And I’m not sure there would be much demand for a yoga school up here in the wilds of Ballydesmond, it’s more of a thing for skinny ones from the Douglas Road inside in Cork who want to learn how to stick their heads even further up their arses. My cousin said, is there anything I can do to change your mind, and I said absolutely nothing unless the grant was €40,000 and didn’t he make it happen, the gowl. So I’ve a yoga school now, but I don’t know what to call it. Any ideas, tell me? Mairéad, Ballydesmond.

My cousin is big into Eastern philosophy, you don’t want to get stuck next to her at a wedding. I rang her there and said what would you call a yoga school in north Cork? She said, anything you like, they can’t hear you because they have their feet in their ears.

Hello old stock. There’s consternation here on the Blackrock Road following news that the government is going to charge stamp duty if you bulk buy a few houses. As Bunty Harrington put it last night, what’s the point in bribing a politician if he’s just going to side with teachers and guards who are trying to get on the property ladder? Anyway this is curtains for my career as a property investor/landlord, which is a relief really because it was a pain in arse wearing a disguise every time I have to go view a new development, in case someone thinks I’m buying to live out in Blarney and they’d boot me straight me out the yacht club, proper order too. I asked Hoggy if he had alternative career suggestions and he said, there is a fortune to be made in hacking. Do you know any techies in Russia? Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I replied to an spam email there about tinnitus and didn’t a hacker get straight back to me. She said, what do you want? I said, I have a guy who wants to get into hacking, Reggie is the name, do you need any more information. She said, nyet!! we’ll just download all his details from the HSE.

C’mere what’s the story with chatting up old dolls outdoors. Myself and Budgie went on a pub crawl there last Saturday, it’s the berries being able to drink out of a paper cup, because if a posh old doll asks what you’re drinking, you can say it’s a pale ale from some micro-brewery and then she’ll think you’re sophisticated. That’s not really on cards if you’re standing in front of her holding a pint glass of Carling, do you know that kind of a way. Anyway, speaking of posh old dolls, we were having our pints down by the quay there near the Idle Hour and Goldbergs, it was jointed with ones all done up. I tried a bit of banter with one or two but it’s hard when they’re a few metres a way and everyone can hear you screaming, “That top really suits your skin tone, girl!!” So, like, is there an app where you can connect to people around you and go “Wey hey, how about it girl?” Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I have one friend left on the dating scene, we call her Fussy Fiona. (So do her 189 ex-boyfriends.) I rang her there and said, I suppose things have changed now on a night out. She said, well lobbing the gob at a stranger is completely off the cards obviously. I said, until you’ve had you vaccination? She said, no, until you’ve have had your third G&T.

It’s getting competitive on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Wouldn’t Dream of Getting their Kids Baptised Unless Their Own Parents Threatened to Write Them Out of the Will. Laura_lululemon said her Hugo obviously isn’t making his Communion this summer because we all know religion is just for superstitious people in council houses. Keyla_8GrandHotTub said sending her little Kara to a Protestant school has really improved her status in the tennis club, but it’s still important to spend a fortune on your eight-year-old in case people think you’re a bit Turners Cross on the money front. Leah_2WhiteRangeRovers gave that a thumbs up emoji and we banned her for two weeks because thumbs-up is so 2019 and it’s important to stay fresh. Triona_Showjumper said anybody who can’t prove they spent at 9 grand on their child is a loser. So Audrey, is there anything weird about buying a car for an eight-year-old? Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and asked if this was a good idea. She said, don’t be ridiculous. I said, too young? She said, too little — who buys a car for 9 grand?