Bernard O'Shea: I have spent hours of my life looking at people cutting into cakes

Bernard O'Shea. Photograph Moya Nolan

I’m embarrassed about a lot of things in my life but when I realised how much time I was spending on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram I felt a surge of shame. However, a deeply embedded memory of a Tommy Fleming interview helped me overcome my digital dilemma.

Somehow I convinced myself over the years that I had to be on social media 24/7 because of my job. I would knock back my wife's criticism of “Bernard get off your phone” by replying “I’m working.” 

This coming from the guy who doesn’t have enough time in the day to empty the dishwasher.

At the start of February, I looked at the readouts on my iPhone usage. It scared the crap out of me. I have contemplated back and forth whether or not to share this information as I find it incredibly embarrassing. Per day I was spending on average 1.2 hours on Twitter, 58 mins on Facebook and 1.4 hours on Instagram. They say it's a millennial affliction but I’m 42 and combined I was spending more than 3 hours per day on social media. This is not taking into account all of my other screen time.

When Apple introduced their screen-time indicators I couldn’t help but think it was their way of getting ahead of the curve. Screen time is the new smoking and I’m a chain screener. I have a screen in the kitchen. I use a desktop to write. I have a laptop for work. I have an i-watch in case I don’t have my phone on me and of course the phone itself. 

My phone has replaced my soul. It's with me 24/7. I cannot fall asleep without knowing it is by my side.

Then I saw my two-year-old old ape me with a stickle brick pretending to be on his phone. He was looking at it and smiling as he pressing pretend buttons. He thought my behaviour was natural. My other two kids then would constantly bemoan me “Daddy YOU'RE ALWAYS ON YOUR PHONE” The wave of guilt forced me for the first time to really do something about it.

There’s a problem. I love social media especially Twitter. I was constantly hopping from one news outlet to the other looking at news stories and especially sports news. I thought I wasn’t a heavy user of Facebook until I saw the readouts. I spent nearly three hours one day watching Foil, Arms and Hog videos (They are brilliant). 

Then there’s Instagram. When I first saw it a few years ago I thought it was a flash in the pan. A few years later I gave myself a cramp in my hand from scrolling through Insta stories and I have spent hours of my life looking at people cutting into cakes. But it's YouTube that's my private opiate of choice. Particularly since lockdown I've watched hours of history documentaries, wrist-watch videos and car reviews.

I deactivated my Twitter and Facebook accounts and decided that I'd only go on Instagram once a week to post a picture and link to this article. That didn’t work either.

At first, I used time-limiting apps that I downloaded onto my phone. But after a day I just pressed the 'ignore' button. Then I strapped an elastic band around my wrist and pulled it every time I put the phone in my hand. That didn’t work. Then I tried putting my phone into a phone jail that I bought online. I performed a lot of prison breaks.

I began to get a terrible dose of the 'what ifs?' What if my mother calls me and she needs help? What if I get a direct message on Twitter or Instagram about a fantastic opportunity? What if there’s an important e-mail that I don’t reply to straight away and I lose EVERYTHING !!!

The only thing that I knew would work was to cut off ties completely. I deactivated my Twitter and Facebook accounts and decided that I'd only go on Instagram once a week to post a picture and link to this article. That didn’t work either.

Without social media, I became addicted to my emails. I started to rummage through my “junk” folder for anything that would give me a hit. 

One morning I convinced myself that I had to watch a Youtube video on “how to fix a leaking tap” I didn’t fix the tap. Instead, I watched an hour-long video on a hypercar that costs the same as a small housing estate.

Eventually, I had to implement a drastic measure. I turned my phone off. I’m embarrassed to say it was the first time I ever turned it off that wasn’t for an update or a reboot. Initially, I wanted to turn it back on again but I did a deal with myself. I’ll put it in the wine rack where all our other crap is and I'll turn it on at 5:30pm. At 5:30pm I'll ring home and answer texts. But then another problem arose.

I write every day for work. How would I stop myself from injecting a quick hit of the internet into my hypothalamus when I opened my laptop? Then I remembered seeing an interview with the singer Tommy Fleming. He was talking about writing his memories and he said that he would charge his laptop to 100% and when the battery was dead then that was it for the day. So I embarked on what I like to call the 'Fleming Method'. It worked. I wouldn’t spend time looking at crap because it would drain the battery and I wouldn’t get any work done. If there was any battery left afterwards, I allowed myself to watch something on the Player or Netflix or I would save it for later when the kids went to bed.

The biggest self-improvement was that I started reading again. I also developed a daily ritual of sitting down and reading the newspaper. I lick my thumb to turn the pages now not to “like” something. I've also discovered that books and newspapers have a major commonality with the online world. You can pause it. You can put it down and come back to it at any time. But unlike social media or the internet, you don’t have to hook it up to a modem and they download instantly. They are also portable. Who knew! However, my two-year-old is still trying to make calls on his stickle brick. I think he’s trying to talk to his grandparents he misses them. Maybe we’ll do a FaceTime? Oh wait!