Ask Audrey: Can I drive up to Newry and say lash a bit of vaccine into me arm, there, lah?

Thu, 25 Mar, 2021 - 18:00

C’mere, what’s the story with driving up to Newry and saying ‘lash a bit of vaccine into me arm there lah’. Budgie says that his cousin’s friend is a delivery driver, so he just took the van up to Newry, walked into the vaccination centre and charmed the knickers inside off of everyone there because he’s from Cork, and they couldn’t resist his accent, like.

He’s going back up in four weeks for the second shot and he has dates with three different old dolls because he reminds them of Roy Keane. Meanwhile, I’m down here like a total langball getting less action than a monk on the Skelligs. The only problem here is Budgie likes an old flight of fancy – like didn’t he have me convinced last year that he was going to have a love-child with a prominent Hollywood actress that he met in Scoozis. So like, do you think I should trust him and head up to Newry in the van?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, where are you on crossing the border for a vaccine. She said, just north of Drogheda now, I should be there in 20 minutes. I said, how are you going to persuade them that you’re British? She said, two things – I’ll wash my car before heading into the vaccination, the Brits love a clean car. And two, I’ll end all my sentences with a question, innit.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen in Ballydesmond. Myself and my boyfriend decided we would end up going plain mad if we had another conversation about silage with the locals around here on the Cork-Kerry border, so didn’t we hop into the car and go for a spin to Killarney. We were hardly 10 minutes down the road and weren’t we stopped by a Guard asking if our journey was essential.

Didn’t my boyfriend panic and tell him that we were going to seek professional help due to problems on the bedroom front, as if I’d take sex advice from someone in Kerry. I wouldn’t mind, but things have never been better in the sack, we’re like a couple from Glengarriff, morning, noon and night. Anyway, it will come as no surprise to hear that half the parish got wind of our so-called problem and they’ve started referring to me as ‘The Nun’ over in Scartaglin.

How do I persuade people that we have a very healthy sex life, without sharing videos on an amateur porn site in case my mother sees them?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

It’s a tricky one. I rang my sex expert friend there, Nooner Norma. (She gets mad for it around midday.) I said, what would you say to someone who has a reputation for bad sex? She said, nothing, there’s no point in chatting someone up if they’re useless in the sack.

Hey, it’s Ed out of Ballintemple. Like all the other uber-woke entrepreneurs with incredible ideas that are on the back-burner because of Covid, I spend my days drinking coffee on the Marina in athleisurewear, sneering at Boomers in their gilets and red trousers.

Dude, I todally shouted at one yesterday when I was down there with Bryan with a Y, what’s the story with dressing like a retired doctor from a village outside Norwich? He turned around and called me a langer and roared good luck trying to find an old doll going around on that electric scooter, old stock. I todally turned to Bryan with a Y for some support but he had a look on his face that screamed ‘the guy in the red slacks has a point, Ed’.

This made me re-evaluate all my life choices, because it’s not like there is anything else going on right, and it finally made me face up to the biggest question of them all. Is there something sad about a 35-year-old in a Munster beenie going around town on an electric scooter?

- Ed, Ballintemple

I would have said pathetic more than sad, but sure look, that’s just splitting hairs. My neighbour likes to think he has his finger on the pulse – he calls himself De Vibe now because people used to run away when he told them his name was Donal. I said, is there anything good to say about a middle-aged man on a scooter in a Munster beenie. He said, at least it isn’t a Leinster beenie.

It’s getting excited on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Wait to Show You Their New Back Garden. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said she spent a six figure sum creating a mini-Tuscany out her back, and they paid the landscaper out of their current account, no bother to them.

Lorna_BorleyCoveBabes said they were thinking of entering House of the Year after their renovations, except who wants a shower of langers from Dublin nosing around the gaff? I’m starting to get status anxiety because we only got a 43 grand hot-tub.

Do you know anywhere I could buy a round tower?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

The Posh Cousin is an expert on Garden Snobbery, it’s all in her new book Shrubs, Snobs and Nobs. I said, is there anything to be said for putting a round tower in your back garden. She said no. I said, why? She said, because they have one in Ardmore. #HatesWaterford