Ask Audrey: 'I said, cop on, I need to be touched! He said, yerra can’t you look after yourself?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: 'I said, cop on, I need to be touched! He said, yerra can’t you look after yourself?'

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello old stock. Bunty Harrington rang this morning and said Reggie I’ve had enough of this lockdown, I’m going to join the protest march in town on Saturday. I said, they’ll fire you out of the cannon in the yacht club for hanging around with that riff-raff. 

He said, sure I’ll be unrecognisable in my mask. I said, you’re as thick as the man from Killumney, that shower won’t wear a mask! (Bunty got 4% in pass Maths in the Inter Cert, and that was after his old man brown-enveloped 20 grand to a guy in the Department of Education.) Anyway, we agreed it’s ridiculous that a beautifully-spoken millionaire can’t exercise his right to protest in case people think he’s in bed with the far-left. 

So, I’m organising a ‘Release the Super-Rich From Lockdown’ march on the Blackrock Road, Saturday 3pm, all welcome as long as you have a McWilliam Sailing Bag and over 100 grand in your current account, proof required. Would you spread the word please? 

– Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what does the officer class in Cork society feel about lockdown. She said, we’re all in the same boat. I said, so there’s a sense of social solidarity. She said, no, anyone who matters in Cork is in a luxury cruise liner moored off the coast of Sardinia. Sure who’d want to be stuck at home in Cork during March?

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My ex-boyfriend from the Kerry side of the border sent me a lurid photo last night out of the blue. It was a picture of the Sam Maguire trophy, a sly Kerry reference to the way he used to make an All Ireland winning captain’s speech and us in throes of passion. 

It was hard to keep focused when your man would pretend to tap a microphone and shout ‘A Chairde Ghael’ and I’d be there, shut up you eejit or the neighbours will hear you. Anyway, back to WhatsApp, didn’t he suggest we reignite our love life, online like. 

I said, cop on you gowl, I need to be touched! He said, yerra can’t you look after yourself. I said, what do you think I’m doing half the night, I don’t need your help on that front. Was I a bit harsh, tell me?

– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My ex from UCC hit me up on WhatsApp last week. I said, what do you want now? He said, a Zoom call Audrey, I’d love to touch base. I said, is that what you’re calling it these days. (He called it Roy Keane back in college.)

It’s getting competitive on our WhatsApp Group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Bought a 3 Grand Prada Case For Our Vaccine Passports. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said she read on Facebook that you will need to supply a photo for your vaccine passport and that Stephen ‘Killjoy’ Donnelly won’t let it be a selfie of you living your best pre-lockdown life in Ibiza. 

Kiera_VPInLeadingMultinational said she heard that rumour as well and decided to tie the four top stylists in Cork into an exclusive contract, so none of ye other bee-atches can get a look in. She actually said that. I said we should show some class at a time like this by going sans make-up. Emer_PrivateSpinningCoach responded with a gif of a monkey laughing his arse off, before posting a photo of Nicola Coughlan’s eye make-up at the Golden Globes, captioned ‘Me in my next passport photo.’ 

Clara_Strong&Gorgeous replied, I think Jenni has gone a bit hippy, and didn’t they vote to ban me from the group for three weeks. Do you know any other gang of high-net worth stunners that would have me in their WhatsApp group?

– Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there to tell her your problem. I said, does this sound like a First World Problem to you? She said, more Second World really, she only lives on the Douglas Road. #ItsAllRelative.

Hello, it’s Fr Phelim here from ISAG, Irish Sagairt Against Gáire. (We get a grant for putting the cúpla focail in our name, sure who could blame us. BTW, it stands for Irish Priests Against Laughter in case you don’t understand it, you dirty West Brit.) 

I often get people saying to me, Fr Phelim, would ISAG not be better disguising the fact that you’re against people having the crack, rather than putting it in your name. I say, our Lord would not want me to tell a lie. So I’ll come straight out and say it – forget about closing Cork Airport for runway improvements during a few weeks in September. We in ISAG want it closed 52 weeks of the year. 

There’s no other way to stop Cork people having a wild holiday out foreign, or emigrants coming home for Christmas telling us about their shenanigans over in Sydney. Do you think people will support our demand?

– Fr Phelim, The Rectory.

My neighbour Pat is always trying to get me to sign up to causes. (We call him Pa-tition. ) I said, would you be in favour of closing Cork airport? He said, not a chance. I said, why? He said, because I’m campaigning to deport all the people who are against foreign travel. I said, where do I sign?

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