Ask Audrey: 'Is it possible for Irish people to stop doing these cartoon German accents, ja?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey: consoler of the lonely, adviser of the confused, fond of Bishopstown

It’s getting horny on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Never Knew They Were So Interested in the GAA. FiFi_WhiteRangeRover has changed her handle to FiFi_NoFaultLads because she reckons that nothing can possibly stop Cork from winning the Double. 

Laura_RebelsAbú said she watched Cork’s goal against Kerry 473 times in one day because that guy Mark Keane is better looking than Roy Keane and the did you see the shoulders on him? I’m slower to jump on the bandwagon in case Cork get knocked out and Imelda Cronin-Buckley posts a photo of me with a Cork flag on my white Range Rover, saying ‘I always said Jenni was a bit Turner’s Cross’. (I’ve been burned once too often.) 

So like, what are the chances of Cork doing the Double? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

My cousin is a GAA superfan, we call him Man Before Ball. (So does everyone else, he actually had it changed by deed poll.) I said, do you think Cork will win the double? He said, yes. I said, why? He said, because I’m from Cork.

Guten Tag. I spend a lot of my time on Twitter because it is funny to watch all the people saying the same thing. In this week a lot of people were getting their knickers in a twist over the Wild Mountain Thyme trailer. I saw some people saying they never saw an Irish person speak this strange Leprechaun accent, but I think they have never been to Dunmanway. 

That is one crazy way to talk, yes. I think Irish people have no leg to stand on here, because since I moved from Berlin I have heard your attempts to mimic my accent, most of which make me sound like a cross between Jurgen Klopp and that guy that says ‘Ve meet again Mr Bond’, no? So now I say, is it possible for Irish people to stop doing these cartoon German accents, ja? 

— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

My friend Dave is a total World War 2 fanatic, we call him D-Da ve . I said, is there a single day in the last 10 years when you didn’t pretend to be smoothly spoken Gestapo office in wartime Paris? He said, nein!!

Hello, it’s Paul here from Sunday’s Well Residents Against People Who Only Drive Dacia Dusters. I’m writing to you today in relation to the re-opening of Daly’s Bridge. (Calling it the Shakey Bridge is just common, the mark of someone who goes to the chip shop without a hangover.) 

We are like West Berliners up here in Sunday’s Well, Norries all around us and cut off from the refined elegance of the Mardyke and the Model Farm Road. Can you pop off a few brown envelopes for me there and get this sorted before Christmas?

— Paul, Sunday’s Well

I rang my contact there in City Hall and said, I’ve a couple of brown envelopes there, can I drop them in. She said, there is absolutely no way I can accept a brown envelope bribe in this day and age. I said why. She said, it’s all Bitcoin now. #Advanced.

Hello old stock. Nervous times Chez Reggie, all the talk down here is that Donald Trump is thinking of making a move to the Blackrock Road. I think ‘Trading Up’ is the term they use in the business – that White House looks like an act of vulgarity in Upper Glanmire. 

Hoggy and Duckie Prendergast think that the Donald will lower the tone, while myself and Scobie Comerford’s position is that he inherited his wealth and plays golf during the week, which is basically a Linkedin profile for 80% of the guys on our stretch of the Blackrock Road. 

I’ve called a meeting of Blackrock Road Residents Against Any Kind of Change - how can I persuade the locals that a Donald move won’t lower property prices down here?

— Reggie, Blackrock Road

My uncle the estate agent has an office just off the South Mall. (It’s actually in Midleton – estate agents, seriously like.) I said, if Donald Trump moved here, what would he add to a house on the Blackrock Road. He said, a drive-thru McDonalds and two giant gold casinos . He would too.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My quest for erotic satisfaction continues after my evening with a weed from Coachford by the name of Ultan who said come in to the kitchen here until I show you what I’ve got and it wasn’t it a loaf of sourdough bread, God help us. 

It was about as much use to me as good manners in Killarney, sure where would you get a chance to use them? It is clear to me now that there is something wonky about rural men and it is high time I started dating lads from inside in Cork city who might have a bit more sophistication about them. 

I have already had an expression of interest from a guard in Bishopstown who is promising all sorts with handcuffs, no less. Is Bishopstown a good part of Cork tell me?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Bishopstown has a couple of things going for it. It isn’t on the northside. It isn’t Cobh. And if an uncle died and left you a bit of money, you might be able to scrape together a deposit for the Model Farm Road.