Ask Audrey: Tell Simon Coveney we’ll have a lovely surprise for him if he lifts level 5 for Douglas Road

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Tell Simon Coveney we’ll have a lovely surprise for him if he lifts level 5 for Douglas Road

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How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after getting on a regular Zoom call with a bunch of Saoirse Ronan superfans below in Schull and isn’t she after losing the run of herself completely now that Saoirse bought a house down near Ballydehob. 

She said that it is time to sell our home of 50 years in Dunmanway and move down near Schull to be near her hero. I said, sure that’s just stalking and she said, so what, it serves her right for being so successful and rich. 

Anyway, the problem is I looked up property prices and compared to the demand below in Schull, a house around Dunmanway is about as popular as a soap-shop in Ballinscarthy. Could you ask your friends in the real estate game to help find something going cheap in the area? 

— Dan Paddy Andy, turn right outside Dunmanway and keep going until you see a fella in the same pair of Farah slacks since 1983.

My friend is an estate agent around Schull, her motto is ‘ the truth hurts, so I tend to avoid it’. I said, what would you recommend to someone moving down from Dunmanway. She said, lie and tell them you’re from Bantry, they hardly ever check these things.

It’s getting determined on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Have Been Planning Their Halloween Outfit Since March. 

Laura_WhiteRangeRover said Level 5, Level Schmive, nothing is going to stop me dragging my kids down the Douglas Road so we can call to Lorna_3LifeCoaches’ place and have a sconce to see if her new kitchen really cost more than a house in Glanmire. FiFi_HippyChickInBrownThomasGear said cowering inside is for Norries, the only way I can maintain my reputation as Douglas Road’s answer to Nicole Kidman is going door-to-door in a five figure dress and saying, ‘thanks, five figures’, when people say ‘oh my God, you look amazing’. 

As for me, I’m wondering, could you tell Simon Coveney we’ll have a lovely surprise for him if he lifts level 5 for Douglas Road and the posh side of the Rochestown Road? 

—Jenni, Douglas Road

Intriguing!! I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what constitutes a surprise on the Douglas Road? She said, someone with good taste and their original chin. #ShesVeryBlackrock

C’mere, Shorty rang me up there last night and said how would you like to own your own island? I said, Shorty just because the mushrooms grow in your west-facing garden every year doesn’t mean you have to eat them and then go loo-lah for half of October. (Last year he went around telling everyone he was Cillian Murphy, which was funny until he put it on a loan application and the solicitors got involved.) 

Anyway, Shorty goes, nah boy, this is serious we can buy Cork City FC, they’re trying to sell it to some bloke in England for a euro, sure that’s for nothing. We could offer 2.50, and then flog it to a Russian oligarch for the television rights, buy our own island. So like Audrey, does this sound like a runner or is Shorty off his box? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My cousin is Man United crazy, he’s a masochist as well, so that’s two hobbies rolled into one. I said, what do you think of Shorty’s thinking? He said, it’s so far outside the box even VAR wouldn’t give a penalty. #SoccerJokes #FunnyAsHeadLice

Hello, Rosealeen here again in Ballydesmond. Isn’t it the way I’m being ghosted by my gowl of a boyfriend from the Kerry side and there is no way I’m going to find a replacement within 5 kilometres of home because have you seen the men in Ballydesmond, half of them have webbed hands. I’m texting this lad from Clonmel that I met on an app, he asked if I’d be up for a sexy phone call. Is that what I think it is? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

You wouldn’t know where you stand with guys from Tipperary. I texted one once and said, what are you wearing, he replied, boot cut Wranglers and pointy brown shoes, I said, you’re supposed to lie you fashion tragedy of a bogman, he said, ok, they’re Dingos. #OppositeOfSexy

Hello old stock. It’s a nightmare being trapped on the Blackrock Road at the moment, given all the pondlife driving down to the Marina in their Renault Kadjars for a spot of exercise at the weekend. 

It would be something if we could escape to West Cork, but my accountant Scobie Comerford said that flying a helicopter out of my back garden these days is the kind of thing that gives beautifully spoken millionaires a bad name. 

The only solution is to allocate time slots for a Marina Walk, with the best times for refined intellectuals like myself, and the worst reserved for people from Kerry Pike. Hoggy says this will only work if we do proper spot checks – do you know a good question to separate the wheat from the chaff in Cork society? 

— Reggie, Blackrock Road

My niece is doing a PhD on the class system in Ireland, her thesis is called Imagine Being from Glasheen. I said, what’s the best way to identify a culchie savage in Ireland. She said, ask them if they know all the words to Wagon Wheel.

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