How to be pure Cork: Tips on passing as a local in the Rebel County

Jennifer Stevens was shocked to find that her blue eyes came not from Sweden but East Cork.
I sent my test off and eagerly awaited news of my Scandi relations.

1. You need to ‘sing’ when you speak and always talk at the speed of lightning.
2. It’s essential to know the English Market inside out — from O’Connells fish to the Alternative Bread Company. Also, O’Flynn’s sausage hot dogs are the best cure for a hangover!
3. Elbow Lane has the best ribeye steak in the country.
4. The only stout is Beamish — you need a creamy Cork pint.
5. The best snug in Ireland for a cheese board is in Arthur Maynes and they give you Durrus, need I say more?
6. Who needs Dublin Zoo when you have Fota Wildlife Park. It doesn’t matter what age you are, it’s the best experience ever!

1. You need to start stockpiling Tanora now for Christmas.
2. Have a strong opinion about KC’s chipper (loving it or pretending to hate it are the only two stances for true Corkonians).
3. Spend weekends away but only in Cork!
4. Have an obsession with the sea if you live relatively close to it.
5. Barry’s Tea is compulsory and spot checks will be done in houses.
6. You have to have spiced beef at Christmas.

7. Remember to throw in ‘girl’ and ‘boi’ into all your sentences.
8. Definitely don’t forget to overuse the word ‘like’. “D’ya know what I mean, like?”
9. Speak using a melodic tone. Remember from a pitch perspective, go up an octave at the end of sentences.
10. Learn the language to fit in:
- The Merries = carnival amusements
- Haunted = very lucky
- Allergic = A strong expression of dislike
- I will ya = I have absolutely no intention of doing whatever is being asked of me
- Have a sconce = take a look at
- Massive = Very good/beautiful
- Chalk it down = definitely
1. First and foremost you have to switch from Guinness to Murphys. That’s the first Cork commandment.
2. To quench your thirst on a day-to-day basis you need to get several bottles — perhaps even a tank — of Tanora.
3. Forget all other publications, you need to read ‘De Paper’ every day (The Examiner) and catch up on Cork life with The Echo.
4. Don’t be following those foreign games. If the ball isn’t pumped (football) or stuffed (sliotar) it can’t have priority in your sporting life. Occasionally we can support other activities, but only if Cork people excel at them.
*See Roy Keane and Ronan O’Gara.
5. Forget going to the zoo, everything you need to see with the kids is in Fota Island Wildlife Park. Giraffes roaming around? A wandering peacock? Yep, we got you covered.
6. Doneraile Park is the most popular free tourist attraction in Ireland and a hidden gem. And the area is rich in literary tradition as well, from Edmund Spenser to Elizabeth Bowen to Canon Sheehan (a distant relative) you won’t fall short if words and poetry fill your soul.
7. I don’t need to tell you about the foodie delights of the English Market and fishy delights of Kinsale, knowing you!
8. If you fancy a little hike, ramble up the Ballyhouras, it’s breathtaking up there. You’ll find a great example of a ‘mass rock’ in the vicinity too.
9. And there’s no tea but Barry’s tea.
10. But mostly what is amazing about Cork is the people. We’re the best in the world. And modest too!!

1. The most important thing you need to do is LOVE Cork. Everyone from Cork loves Cork.
You’re ok with leaving Cork and people who aren’t from Cork are fine but nowhere else in the world is quite like Cork.
2. You must also love Roy Keane. And Michael Collins. Niall Tóibín was a Cork icon too of course.
3. Learn how to speak Cork: ‘C’mere to me, girl’ is a great way to let someone know you’re about to impart some words of wisdom and saying ‘like’ after every sentence is key to sounding like you’re from Cork.
You must also start addressing everyone as either ‘girl’ or ‘biy’ (boy).
4. Things to do: Take a walk in Fitzgerald’s Park and walk across the famous Shaky Bridge. Pana (Patrick Street) is the heart of Cork city. The best views of the city are at the top of Patrick’s Hill. While you’re up that direction you can go to ring the Shandon Bells.
The steeple of the church at Shandon has a clock on each side; each clock tells a different time so it’s called The Four-Faced Liar.
Then of course there’s the famous salmon at the top of the Shandon steeple. It’s known as the ‘goldie fish’. And remember to visit The Butter Factory museum and The Firkin Crane.

5. What you eat isn’t important really as long as you’re washing it back with Tanora. If you want a pint, it’s Beamish.
6. What to name your son: Finbarr, like.