Joanna Fortune: My teenage daughters have started to argue

The fact that your girls have recently started arguing may not be related to their differences in skill sets and abilities — it is more likely due to a developmental clash based on their ages and stages of development.

My 15-year-old daughter is doing well at school, is sporty and makes friends easily. However, her 13-year-old sister lacks confidence and has to work very hard to keep up with her homework. 

I love both equally, but find myself worrying a lot about my second daughter. The two girls have started arguing a lot lately. Can I ever expect them to be friends when they are so different?

Though the same parents raise siblings, they are individuals with their own unique strengths, interests, and personality traits. What our children need from us as parents depends on their needs.

The fact that your girls have recently started arguing may not be related to their differences in skill sets and abilities — it is more likely due to a developmental clash based on their ages and stages of development. Your second daughter is in very early adolescence, while her sister is moving into mid-adolescence, probably believing herself much more worldly and grown-up. It is likely they are now at the same school, but, of course, your eldest has been there longer and is more established within the school community. She may be struggling to share her territory with her younger sister, and while not easy to watch as a parent, it is developmentally typical.

As they grow up and move through their adolescence, they very likely will re-establish their closer connection, so try, as best you can, to only intervene when necessary.

Investing in a couple of family board games for older teens is a great way to bring everyone together. The Sock game, 30 Seconds, Cranium, Tilt ’n’ Shout, and Micro Macro are a few excellent games to consider. Also, cogstoysandgames.ie has a wide range to browse and select from.

Board games encourage family connection time, as they offer structured, healthy competition that teens enjoy, along with opportunities for collaboration (making them a team against parents), encouraging them to work together.

Family game-time also facilitates a range of pro-social skill development, such as problem-solving, strategic thinking, and general critical thinking skills, along with opportunities to strengthen communication, manage the highs and lows of winning and losing, learning how to deal with tense moments, and build patience. They also allow us to practice effort over outcome, which both girls will benefit from. All of which, in turn, support and strengthen self-esteem. By making family game time a weekly ritual, you are also setting up a designated time together for at least the duration of the game.

Sibling relationships are the longest relationship most of us will have in our lives. Through our siblings, we have our first experiences of friendship, loyalty, rivalry, shared joy and of falling out and making up again. It is often an emotionally charged connection. So, don’t force their bond to become one of friendship, rather create space for each to be themselves and express their uniqueness and trust that practising moments of meeting (connection time together) and opportunities for shared joy (structured fun time as a family) will provide them a roadmap back to each other as they grow up.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]