Joanna Fortune: My 13-year-old is struggling to make friends in secondary school 

"Having friends is important at all stages of our lives, but in adolescence, it carries particular weight in terms of strengthening and enhancing personal growth and identity."

My 13-year-old is struggling to make friends in secondary school. He has a quiet nature, and it took him years to build up a small group of friends in primary school. Unfortunately, they all ended up going to different schools. It would be helpful if he played sports, but he has never shown interest. I have told him it will take time and phoned the school to let the staff know. What else can I do?

The transition from primary to secondary school can be particularly challenging for children. Many are still in transition mode because we are only a few weeks back at school, everything is new, and a period of adjustment is needed.

You have taken the right steps. You have reassured him that making new connections can take time, and have alerted the school to keep an eye on him. Beyond this, I would encourage him to become more actively involved in the broader school community. To do so, it might be worth finding out from his year head what non-sports activities or clubs the school offers, so he is aware of the options.

Having friends is important at all stages of our lives, but in adolescence, it carries particular weight in terms of strengthening and enhancing personal growth and identity.

Adolescents crave a sense of belonging within their peer group. Their friendships with peers offer them a sense of social acceptance while also providing support and containment during times of stress or other challenges.

Throughout our childhood and adolescence, friendships enable us to develop skills that we carry forward into our adult relationships, such as developing trust in others, empathy, and perspective-taking, all of which are essential in later adult life. It is essential for teenagers to develop a sense of themselves beyond their parents or families. Typically, they lean into their peer group friendships to explore new interests, attitudes, and beliefs, and develop a stronger sense of who they are in the outside world.

You mention that your son initially found it challenging to make friends in primary school. I wonder if you could chat with him (perhaps while driving in the car or take a “talk-walk” together, as it can feel less intense) about what he learned about making friends when he was in primary school, and ask what he thinks would help now.

Listen out for anyone he names a few times and suggest he invite those kids over to hang out on a Friday evening or over the weekend. I would urge you to keep this casual and ensure that he leads the decision — you’re simply making him aware that he can invite children over to your family home.

He doesn’t need to have lots of friends — even two to three other teenagers with whom he shares interests, relax and have fun is plenty.

I also suggest that you support him in maintaining his existing friendships outside of school, so that he remains socially engaged and connected while forging new connections within the school environment.

Focus on nurturing his belief in himself by being interested in what interests him. It helps to remind him how interesting he is, and therefore what a great friend he can be.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]