Colman Noctor: What 'The Traitors' can teach us about honesty in the real world 

‘The Traitors Ireland’ contestants with host Siobhán McSweeney is a wildly popular reality TV show where deception is the central theme.

“DAD is obsessed with The Traitors, and he wants the old prison warden guy to win,” my 10-year-old son told my neighbour while we were chatting outdoors rcently. While ‘obsessed’ is a bit of an exaggeration, I must admit I’ve become intrigued by the new RTÉ show and have clearly been talking about it a bit more than I realised.

Though my son has never watched an episode of The Traitors, he seems to have a good grasp of the game as well as an insight into my support of ace networker Paudie.

The Traitors, for anyone who doesn’t know, is a wildly popular reality TV show where deception is the central theme. It’s the opposite of what parents teach their children about right and wrong. From the moment they are toddlers and start to learn language, we consistently encourage honesty: “Did you eat the biscuit?”; “did you hit your sister?”; “tell me the truth, it’s always better to be honest.”

We do this because we recognise the importance of honesty as a foundation of family values, school relationships, and ultimately trust in each other as adults.

Contestants in the TV series are divided into ‘Faithfuls’ and ‘Traitors’. The Faithfuls try to identify and eliminate the hidden Traitors, while the Traitors must manipulate, mislead, and lie their way to victory. It’s a game that relies on suspicion, betrayal, and strategy.

As entertainment, it’s gripping. As parenting material, it’s complicated. What does it mean when the same adults who insist that honesty is the best policy also cheer when their favourite contestant lies skilfully? How do we reconcile the values we want to instil in our children with the cultural messages we enjoy for leisure?

While I fully acknowledge that The Traitors is a game show and not representative of real life, it raises the issue of the paradox of deception as entertainment. Children are like sponges. Even when they don’t watch these shows themselves, they absorb the values we display by observing what makes us laugh, what we celebrate, and what we excuse. The contradiction between ‘lying is wrong’ and ‘lying is the winning strategy’ doesn’t escape some of them, especially children under 10, who haven’t yet developed a capacity to understand nuance.

When a parent says “don’t lie to your teacher” but then praises a contestant on The Traitors for ‘pulling off a brilliant deception’, children might quietly wonder: ‘Are lies bad, or are they just bad when I do them?’ Most adults understand the difference between a reality show’s artificial rules and real life. However, children do not always grasp these subtleties. A seven-year-old who hears mum cheering for a Traitor might not realise that the celebration relates to game strategy, not dishonesty in daily life.

Siobhán McSweeney in The Traitors Ireland

Effective moral lessons

As a psychotherapist, I often stress that moral lessons are most effective when consistent. If parents send mixed signals, children may find it difficult to distinguish which rules are universal and which are situational. Moral development in children under 10 is typically literal: lying is either always wrong or always acceptable. Only with maturity do they begin to understand context, like the difference between lying to surprise someone and lying to avoid consequences.

Many instances complicate that learning curve. On the sports field, for example, we can sometimes celebrate someone who simulates a foul to win a penalty or in other sports, a person might ‘bend the rules’ to gain an advantage, which we dismiss as ‘gamesmanship’, earning admiration for being clever deceivers. Such behaviour sends a message that deception is not only acceptable but admirable, which jars with years of parenting advice that says honesty builds trust, relationships, and character.

While The Traitors is just a game show, it highlights the uncomfortable reality that lying is more ingrained in our daily lives than we like to admit. Parents often tell “white lies” when they say things like, “that toy is sold out”; “we’ll see”, or “the ice cream van only plays music when they have run out of ice cream”. We expect children to be honest, yet we model fibs to ease social situations or avoid conflict.

The Traitors exaggerates a truth that most children already grasp: not all lies are judged equally.

A fib to protect someone’s feelings (“I love your haircut”) is accepted; a lie that causes harm (saying a child hit you in the playground, when they didn’t) is not.

What the show does is highlight these distinctions, rewarding clever deception and punishing clumsy lies.

Perhaps the contradiction isn’t between parenting and entertainment, but between our simple moral messages and the complex social reality our children will eventually face. The current global political landscape is a poor example of how those in power should behave when it comes to honesty and being held accountable for dishonesty. With narratives of ‘deep fakes’ and ‘fake news’ now common, establishing what is ‘true’ has never been more challenging.

The Traitors Ireland presenter Siobhan McSweeney

Put ‘The Traitors’ in context

So, what do we do, as parents who may enjoy The Traitors but also want to raise honest children? The answer isn’t to cancel the show or to pretend we never watch it. Instead, it’s about providing context. Here are some strategies for doing just that:

• Acknowledge the game: Make it clear The Traitors is a game with artificial rules. Just as children understand that telling the seeker during a game of hide and seek, ‘I saw them run outside’ when they are in fact hiding under a table, they can grasp that lying in this context is a form of strategy, not a life lesson.
• Talk about consequences: Ask children: “Would this kind of lying work in school or at home? Why not?” Discuss the difference between a controlled environment where everyone agrees on the rules and real life, where trust is ongoing and fragile.
• Differentiate lies from strategy: Highlight how contestants also depend on observation, intuition, persuasion, and teamwork, not just lying. Show that honesty often wins when Faithfuls collaborate, and that deception eventually unravels.
• Discuss the meaning of integrity: Point out that, while the show rewards deception in the short term, lying often damages friendships, relationships, and reputations in everyday life. Ask children how they would feel if a friend lied to them the way a Traitor lies to their teammates.
• Be honest about our own contradictions: If your child points out that you sometimes lie, admit it. Explain why adults occasionally use ‘white lies’ and discuss the difference between kindness and dishonesty. Being open about these grey areas can actually strengthen a child’s sense of morality.

It is also important to consider why The Traitors is so captivating. I believe it is because it dramatises one of life’s most enduring questions: Who can we trust? It taps into our fear of betrayal and our admiration for those who are cunning. In a way, watching the show provides a safe way to explore those anxieties.

The hardwiring of our concept of trust is rooted in our attachment relationships experienced in childhood. A child who grows up in a predictable and reliable environment is more likely to grow up to become a trusting adult. Whereas, children who experience betrayal or inconsistency can develop a suspiciousness that continues into adulthood.

The paradox of The Traitors isn’t new. For centuries, we’ve enjoyed stories where heroes deceive villains, where trickery wins the day, and where clever lies save lives. What’s different about reality TV is that the liars aren’t fictional characters; they are real people who are celebrated and rewarded for deception. That shift blurs the line between entertainment and moral guidance in ways children might notice.

As parents, we can’t control every cultural message our children absorb, but we can shape how they interpret them. If we enjoy shows like The Traitors, the solution isn’t denial but open discussion. By recognising the contradictions, we help children see that life is complex, morals are nuanced, and integrity requires careful thought, not blind obedience to rules.

Ultimately, honesty remains the value we want to pass on. The Traitors doesn’t have to undermine that. In fact, with the right conversations, it can become a surprising ally, helping children develop discernment and understand why honesty matters so much in the real world.