Joanna Fortune: How do we explain to our young children that daddy is out of work?

Being out of work is a serious issue that falls under the category of (hopefully) transient stress, as it will ease when your husband secures a new job and your anticipatory anxiety about money lowers.

My husband was made redundant recently. He’s busy applying for a new job, but it’s a highly stressful time for us both. It’s hard to stay upbeat when we’re worried about paying the mortgage after the redundancy money runs out. We’ve two primary school children and they are beginning to notice something is wrong. How can we explain to them what is happening in a way that does not upset them?

Being out of work is a serious issue that falls under the category of (hopefully) transient stress, as it will ease when your husband secures a new job and your anticipatory anxiety about money lowers. The best thing you can do for your children in the meantime is to take care of yourselves and each other. Focus on maintaining open communication and connection, and ensure you have a support system you can activate for yourselves: Friends, family, professional therapy, etc.

Children are astute at detecting when something is upsetting their parents. At your children’s age, they are still taking their social, emotional, and behavioural cues from you, so when they look at you both and see you are stressed or anxious, they pick up on these emotions. If they do not know what is causing the stress, they will often create a narrative in a bid to make sense of what they are feeling. Typically, they will either personalise it — they have done something to upset you — or to catastrophise it — someone is dying or leaving.

Given your children are in primary school, I would urge caution about how much detail they need or should get. Children under seven years old should, as much as possible, be protected from adult stress. Between eight and 12 years, start by asking them what they think is happening so that misinformation can be corrected and details given in small amounts, while observing how they are processing each detail before you move on.

I would suggest that you sit together as a family over a meal — or go for a drive or a walk with each child separately if there is a significant age gap and you need to speak to them differently. Acknowledge that you, as parents, have both been distracted and focused on dad changing jobs. Share that looking for a new job can be a stressful experience. You are saying this to make it clear that you and dad are still a team, looking out for each other, and that the children aren’t the cause of your stress. It may be enough to leave it at that, and add: “We love each other so much in our family, and we always want the best for each other”, followed by a big family hug.

Once you have told them, be aware that they may share your stress with others. If you would like this kept within your family, then tell them that this is a private family matter and they can talk with you about it, but not anyone outside of the family. If one of your children is in that older primary school age bracket, it’s likely they will keep an eye on you both to ascertain how you are feeling and if they should also start worrying, so remember to check in with them and reaffirm that this is something you, as parents, have in hand and that everything is OK.

You and your husband must look after yourselves and each other through this experience — it is the best thing you can do for your children.

The best of luck with the job hunt.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]