Joanna Fortune: How can I prepare my children to meet their dad's new partner? 

It is worth noting that children will often choose to discuss changes with their other parent (you in this instance), and as such, if he can let you know what he has said to them and how, then you can mirror the message so your children are hearing a clear and consistent message from you both.

My husband and I split up two years ago. He has since met another woman, and they are planning to move in together soon. We have two children under the age of six. What can I do to prepare them for the new set-up when they have a sleepover at their dad’s place? I’ve tried to discuss it with him, but he says it has nothing to do with me.

He may feel that he doesn’t need to discuss his relationship with you or the decision to live with his partner, which is reasonable. However, he does need to discuss the children you share and how any such decisions may affect them. 

It is worth noting that children will often choose to discuss changes with their other parent (you in this instance), and as such, if he can let you know what he has said to them and how, then you can mirror the message so your children are hearing a clear and consistent message from you both.

I don’t know the circumstances of your split, but if it is possible try to develop a mutually respectful communication with his partner. It will not only serve to reassure you when your children are staying at their home but it will show them that the adults in their life are on the same side, at least when it comes to their care.

Co-parenting in a connected and collaborative way isn’t easy, but it is the greatest gift you will give your children. This means suspending feelings of hurt toward each other to build a bridge that enables your children to transition smoothly between the two households.

In my clinical work, I have found a few things helpful in supporting young children through parental separation and shared custody arrangements:

• I have two matching dollhouses. I painted the roof of one house a different colour from the other. The houses are otherwise identical, and we play around with having two homes, being loved in both homes, having fun in both homes and moving between them, as well as who lives in each house (having a figure to represent each person). Our conversation helps young children visualise the new family formation and process their thoughts and feelings, while integrating this new normal for them.
  
• I ask parents to refrain from speaking ill of each other when the children are present. Never presume that they are “out of earshot” because, I assure you, our children pick up on how we feel even without us saying anything.
  
• Try to have a family photo in their bedroom in each house. This doesn’t need to be a photo of you all together; if that’s too painful, it could be a photo of the children with their father. I wouldn’t expect you to hang a picture of your ex-partner in a shared living space in your home, but placing it in the children’s bedroom sends a message that their other parent is held in mind.
  
• Agree to maintain open communication regarding any life changes that affect the children, even if only to establish consistent messaging.

Mind yourself through this transition as well. To support your children, activate your own support network.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]