How to prepare your child for their first day of school

With the first day of primary school just days away, Deirdre McArdle asks parents, teachers and experts how to manage that first day, and how to prepare their child for this next stage of their lives.

Siobhan Broughton and her son Elliot, who is starting primary school this week

Last year, on her first day of school, my daughter strode confidently through the doors. She gave me one last look back and a smile; I stifled back my sobs, smiled and waved. No doubt, this will be a familiar scene across the country over the next few days as summer holidays wind up and school term begins.

According to a Department of Education spokesperson: “Based on our latest projections, 59,518 junior infants will begin primary school this year.”

That’s almost 60,000 parents getting ready to send their children to primary school.

For some parents, it’s their first time going through this. Others have been there, done that. But for the kids, it’s brand new, and their lives are about to change. So how do we prepare them for this seismic shift in their life?

“For your kids, starting school is the beginning of an incredible journey,” says family psychotherapist Dr Richard Hogan. 

“They’re branching out from you and learning to function without you around. It’s also when they really start to develop their own agency and autonomy, and build their self-confidence. It’s exciting, but naturally there will be some trepidation there too.”

Child psychiatrist Dr Colman Noctor says: “It’s a big moment. You are handing your child over to the school for the next eight years of their lives. You’re thinking ‘will they be ok?’ And that might well hit you like a wall on the first day.”

Siobhan Broughton’s son Elliot is starting school this year, and that ‘will he be ok’ question has been running through her mind all summer.

She explains: “On the one hand I’m so excited for him but on the other I’m nervous. Nervous about how he’ll cope, emotionally. And I’m a little sad too, as he loved his pre-school, but he can’t, obviously, stay in pre-school forever!”

Siobhan has been conscious of being positive and keeping relaxed about her son starting school: “If I show anxiety at all he’ll pick up on it so I’ve been consciously keeping things low key.”

That’s exactly the approach Colman encourages: “It’s about finding that balance between talking about starting school and not labouring on it. And go easy on the ‘you’re a big boy/big girl going to school’ as that can put pressure on them to act a certain way. It’s more important to tell your kid ‘you’ve got this’.”

As well as prepping your child mentally for this shift in their young lives, it’s a good idea to get them ready from a practical point of view too. 

This can be a quick win, says Colman: “Simple things like making sure they know what their name looks like, how to open and close their coat, how to open their lunch box. 

These are all practical things that will help your child to feel capable and that they have mastery over these things. Often, hearing ‘good job’ or ‘well done’ for doing these things during the day will give them a boost and reduce anxiety.”

Siobhan Broughtan and her son Elliot, heading on the road to big school

For Lynne McCarthy, who has been teaching since 1992 in St Mary’s Church of Ireland National School in Waterpark Carrigaline in Cork, these practical things make a difference. 

It’s also important to familiarise your child with the school and the new routine, she says: “Most schools now will do a day where children get to come in and spend a few hours in their classroom, and meet the teachers, and this is great for them. 

It’s also good to practise the journey to school ahead of time and to bring your children with you when you’re getting things like lunch boxes and pencil cases. What you want to do is get them used to all these new things so everything isn’t new on that first day.”

The first day drop-off will differ from school to school — some schools have stopped the practice of parents going into the classroom on that first day since covid — but whether you’re going into the classroom or just dropping them at the door, 

Lynne says it’s best to leave as quickly as you can: “The quicker you leave, the better. Even in the case with children who are upset, nine times out of 10 they will be absolutely fine five minutes after you leave.”

Colman adds: “Even if your child is upset, the best thing you can do is not to linger or hover. That’s subliminally giving your child the message ‘I don’t trust these guys either’, and that’s not what you want. So, walk away, even if they’re upset.”

Richard agrees: “You want your child to think ‘I can do this’. It’ll be a great moment in their life when they do.”

Some parents may dread that first morning, particularly if their child is anxious and doesn’t like being separated from parents. 

But Colman says to forget about the other parents and worrying that they’re judging you: “Parents may well think that their child’s behaviour is a reflection on them and be hyper aware of all the people around looking at their child being upset. They’re not, and the teachers have all been there before and know exactly how to deal with this situation. A good thing to remember too is that what happens on the first day, is not necessarily what will happen for the first month. It’s a transitional thing that will pass.”

Be careful though, that you don’t make school sound like a party, says Lynne: “The first day is very exciting, and of course in the classroom there will be toys on the tables and there’s a sense of occasion. Kids can sometimes finish that first day and think ‘ok, that’s school done, I can go back to my real life now’. It’s best to explain that this is the next stage of their lives and don’t make a big production out of that first day.”

Mother of three Laura O’Donovan’s third daughter Ciara started primary school last year. 

Her third time around, Laura was a lot more relaxed and thought the day would be straightforward: “With Ciara, we expected her to sail right in. She’d been up and down to the school so much over the years, but on her first day she was very upset. It showed me that no matter where your child is in the family, their reactions will be unique to their personality. I was traumatised when I got home as it wasn’t at all what I expected.”

On that day, after you drop your child, whether it’s your first, second or third child, it’s a nice idea to plan something to do, advises Lynne: “Meet someone for coffee, or go for a walk, do something nice. That way you can distract yourself from any worry you might be feeling. Remember, that first day is a short day, it’s only a few hours.

“Your child will probably be tired after it though so make sure to let them have some downtime and don’t quiz them too much.”