Being an ally and a parent — supporting your LGBTQI+ child
Pride Week is currently being celebrated in Cork, raising awareness of LGBTQI+ issues, culture and history
The thought of coming out to their parents can be a troubling one for young people. They don’t always know how their mum or dad will react to the news that they identify as part of the LGBTQI+ community.
Pride Week is currently being celebrated in Cork, raising awareness of LGBTQI+ issues, culture and history. Moninne Griffith, CEO of the national LGBTQI+ youth organisation Belong To, thinks it’s the perfect time to advise parents on what they can do to make their child’s coming out experience as positive as possible.
“In so many ways, there’s never been a better time to be LGBTQI+ in Ireland,” she says. “As we saw in the marriage equality referendum and the reaction to the gender recognition bill, Irish people are very accepting for the most part.”
This has affected the age at which young people are choosing to come out to their parents. Whereas previous generations might have waited until they were adults, the average age at which a young person comes out as lesbian or gay in Ireland today is 14.
“It’s because they feel safer,” says Griffith. “The greater visibility of LGBTQI+ people on TV, in culture and political life and the knowledge that LGBTQI+ people are accepted mean that young people are likely to understand a little earlier why feel they different. They are likely to come out earlier too.”
According to Griffith, research shows that young people start realising their sexual identity at the age of 11 or 12. “That’s when they usually start fancying people,” she says. “It can then take them a while to understand and come to terms with that, which is why they delay telling others. When it comes to gender identity, people can realise they are trans at an even younger age.”
Not everyone has kept pace with our changing attitudes to the LGBTQI+ community. Griffith knows that young people can still be bullied and excluded and suffer psychologically as a result.
“In the past few years, there has been a noticeable rise in anti-LGBTQI+ rhetoric, particularly online,” she says. “Young people can internalise this and feel ashamed. And we all know that shame eats away at you, devastating your mental health.”
There are statistics to prove it. Being LGBTQI+ in Ireland is a research project that was conducted by Trinity College Dublin in 2016 and again in 2024. During those eight years, it found a significant decline in mental health and wellbeing in the LGBTQI+ population.
It showed that, compared with the general youth population, LGBTQI+ young people experienced three times the level of severe anxiety and depression, three times the level of self-harm, and five times the level of suicide attempts.
While these are alarming findings, Griffith reassures parents that there’s a lot they can do to bolster their LGBTQI+ children. “Children can survive and thrive once they have one adult, ideally a parent, who’s in their corner,” she says.
“Establish yourself as an ally from the very beginning,” she says. “If LGBTQI+ issues come up on TV or in life, don’t shy away from talking about them. Normalise them in an age-appropriate way and answer any questions your child may have. Children’s Books Ireland produce a list of books about LGBTQI+ for Pride every year. That’s a great way to start the conversation. Any little thing you can do and any open and inclusive conversation you can have will let them know they can tell you when they are ready.”
It's important not to rush your child into coming out. “It takes some of us a long time to figure ourselves out,” says Griffith, who didn’t come out until she was in her 30s. “Your child could end up saying no now and then find it harder to come out later.”
When they do come out, try to respond with love. “Tell them you’re proud of them and grateful they shared this with you,” says Griffith.
Mischa McCarthy, a 17-year-old from Killarney, endorses this advice. “Coming out to you shows your child loves and trusts you,” he says. “It’s a big thing.”
It’s something he did twice. “I came out as what I thought was a lesbian at the age of 14 and my parents were great,” he says. “But as time went by, I realised I wasn’t happy in my body or with how I was being referred to and seen. I wanted to experiment with being trans, to see if that’s who I was.”
He only told his friends at first as he didn’t want to confuse his parents. “That would have made the whole thing even more confusing for me,” he says.
He eventually ended up coming out by accident. “It wasn’t that I thought my parents would react badly,” he says. “It’s just that I knew it would be a shock and uncomfortable for all of us. Then, one day, my mum was looking through the presents I’d got for my birthday and spotted a Pride pin that said 'he/him' so I told her. It was awkward but she and my dad both took it well.”
They thought he would like them to inform the wider family immediately but McCarthy wasn’t ready. Griffith says this is a common scenario.
“LGBTQI+ children often want to take things slow so it’s important that parents go at their pace when it comes to things like sharing information with others,” she says.
“I definitely needed time to get used to things myself first,” says McCarthy.
Another common mistake is bombarding LGBTQI+ children with questions. “Don’t do this as they have enough going on,” says McCarthy. “If you’ve got questions, get in touch with the likes of the TransParenCI support group. My mum found them a great help.”
Griffith wants parents to know that it’s normal to have mixed feelings when your child comes out as LGBTQI+. “You may need time to come to terms with it,” she says. “Remember that it probably took years for your child to understand this aspect of themselves, so don’t feel bad if it takes you some time too.”
However, it’s best not to discuss these personal struggles with your child. “Your job is to support them emotionally at this time,” says Griffith. “Talk to other people in your life or to the likes of Belong To. It’s what we’re here for.”
If it’s important to support your child through the challenges of coming out as LGBTQI+, it’s equally important to celebrate their identity.
“A new world of possibilities has just opened to them,” says Griffith. “Help them to find out about queer culture and history so that they feel proud of who they are. Bring them to a Pride festival or have them join a local LGBTQI+ group. Finding others like themselves or allies with whom they feel accepted and respected builds self-love and self-respect and builds a sense of community.”
“Even something as small as watching together as a family can help normalise being LGBTQI+,” says McCarthy. “And being accepted as normal is all that we want.”
Whatever you do, keep the conversation going. “Continue checking in with young people,” says Griffith. “They tend not to be great at expressing their feelings as they haven’t learned the language yet. Talk to them often, especially if you think they’re struggling. And continue introducing them to aspects of this great community that they are now part of. It has a culture, history and sense of camaraderie all of its own. It’s not always rainbows. There can be tough days. But that’s what community is for. It’s there for you, not just during Pride, but throughout the year.”
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