Richard Hogan: How to make divorce and separation as painless as possible

"Another voice in separation that is rarely heard, is that of the grandparents.  They become collateral damage in the fallout."

Richard Hogan. Photograph Moya Nolan

Separation or divorce can be one of the most challenging life experiences we go through as humans.

The fallout from the end of a romantic relationship can be absolute. Sometimes the relationship was marred by conflict and the dissolution has been coming for many years.

Other times, the separation takes one member of the partnership by surprise. They have been side swiped by life. Blindsided.

They never believed their life partner could let them down so profoundly. That pain can envelope a person’s soul.

It can cause an existential crisis — they are left questioning their entire relationship, wondering was any of it real?

Marriage is the great romantic notion that one person can meet all the needs of another person.

When that is exposed as a lie, it can have devastating consequences on the health of the injured party.

Conflict can really take root when there is another person involved in the fracture of the relationship.

That betrayal can shatter the injured party’s world. They experience a complicated array of feelings: Embarrassment, anger, guilt, shame.

They are left questioning their future, and the nature of their relationships with their mutual friend group.

It can take a considerable amount of time for someone to learn to trust again, after an affair has been exposed and the relationship has ended.

In all my experience working with families, only a few relationships end peacefully and without too much emotional disruption — particularly where children are involved.

But of course, I have worked with families that have put the needs of their children first, and really worked together to make this difficult life transition as painless as possible.

There will still be pain and sadness around the shifting nature of the family, but it is possible to separate without damaging children for life.

In fact, in some cases, the children involved have said to me: “This has been coming for years, they just don’t like each other, so this will be better.”

Sometimes separation can be the light in a very dark storm.

However, in some cases I work with, children are used in the post separation game of move and counter move.

They are pawns to lash the other party with. This type of behaviour, can bring all sorts of chaos into the lives of children.

Often the parent who gets caught in this type of destructive behaviour has low levels of maturity.

They cannot separate their feelings from their children’s feelings, and because they believe their children have been hurt too by their former partner — so they justify their actions.

This type of behaviour can leave a lifetime scar on children. They are often coerced into saying something terrible about their father/mother.

In my experience, the parent who is engaged in this negative behaviour often seeks out a very inexperienced therapist so that they can get them to align with their version of what is happening in the dynamic between parent and child.

Once that therapist has bought into the narrative, the parent being targeted has nowhere to turn. The therapist gives a statement to the court and that is the nail in the coffin for any potential healthy relationship taking place. It can be one of the most destructive and damaging
experiences for everyone involved.

However, another voice in separation that is rarely heard, is that of the grandparents.

In my experience, they have retired from a long life of work and responsibility. They have been excited about being with their grandchildren more.

I am often contacted by email, by grandparents asking for advice. They feel powerless, abandoned without a voice.

They have been cut out of their grandchildren’s life.

The hostility that the primary caregiver feels
towards their former partner spills over into their relationship with his/her parents.

Often, they might not have had the best relationship with their child’s partner. Things might have been said over the years and now this is a way to punish them.

Their retirement, far from being a golden time with grandchildren, has transmuted into a very painful
experience. They are watching their own child struggle to maintain a
relationship with their children, while also being pushed away from their grandchildren.

They become collateral damage.

I have spoken with countless grandparents who delineate having to watch their grandchildren grow up through social media. They glimpse the odd picture here and there.

They are left with memories and scarps of moments when they might be allowed to see them, like Communion or Confirmation. The pain that has come into their life is overwhelming. They feel powerless, and forgotten. One couple I worked with have stayed with me for a long time.

The grandfather died over the course of our time working together.

I can clearly remember his grief stricken wife tell me in the clinic one morning: “He died of a broken heart, those children were his life.”

Separation is difficult, but we should never remove loving parents and grandparents from our children’s life.