Everything you need to know about being a single parent — and being happy

The authors of a new book want to end the isolation of being a solo mum or dad. Both have found that making a connection with others in a similar position has helped to normalise their experience 

Zoe Desmond and Rebecca Cox are co-authors of ‘How to be a Happy Single Parent’ which covers topics such as holidays and dating as a single parent.

Zoe Desmond couldn’t understand it. Statistics said one in four families was headed up by a single parent. So how come she felt like she was the only one? “If there were one in four, it meant we were everywhere, that every time I left the house I passed by a single parent.”

Feeling “very lonely, overwhelmed and unsupported” in her single-parent experience, the knowledge that there were so many one-parent families “created a fire” in London-based Desmond to set up single-parent app Frolo (a combination of ‘friend’ and ‘solo’), frolo.com. Launched in 2019, its community now numbers tens of thousands across Britain and Ireland.

Desmond along with Rebecca Cox — journalist and founder of the blog The Single Mother Edit ( singlemotheredit.com) — are authors of recently published How to be a Happy Single Parent, a book that gives practical, actionable advice for building a life that works for you. This applies whether you’re newly single, about to be single, a widow or widower, or single and considering becoming a solo parent by choice.

Desmond became a single parent to Billy, now seven, just after he turned one. She recalls the “whole array of challenging emotions” she felt upon finding herself alone after a relationship break down. 

“I was mourning the end of the relationship and dealing with the fallout from that — trying to figure out all the bits and pieces, like living arrangements. I was a relatively new first-time mum and I was grieving the family unit I’d always wanted to achieve. And I was feeling really sad for Billy that he wasn’t going to have that two-parent household.”

Zoe Desmond

Acknowledging that she is “probably not great at being vulnerable”, Desmond says her default was to tell herself: “I just need to look like I have my stuff together, like I’m coping. I need to prove to myself I can do this.”

Craving a connection with other single parents who would understand what she was going through and who would lend her “some words of guidance”, she set up Frolo.

For Desmond, community and friendship with other single parents have been the biggest game-changer in her journey as a single mum. 

“It opened up such a path to connection, support and friendship and, through spending time with other single-parent families, it has normalised the experience for my son.

“Because as a single parent, you need to back yourself. You don’t have somebody in your household, reassuring you you’re doing a good job, or taking the pressure off if your child’s sick or having a tantrum. You don’t often get to hear from another adult ‘you handled that well’, or ‘you made the right decision’. What’s really lovely about having single-parent friends is they back you all the way. I might criticise myself but they reassure and validate.”

Dispelling negative depictions

Cox, single mum to eight-year-old Jack and based in Reading, says her biggest emotional hurdle was dealing with the stigma of single parenthood. “Even after figuring out the childcare, the finances, the legal stuff — I’d got divorced — even after all that, I had to get over the stigma.

Rebecca Cox

“To this day, I think there are a lot of negative headlines around single parents, about destitute single mums, the link between state reliance and being a single parent — and that is the case, but there are a lot of economic and political reasons for it. There’s a lot of messaging about single mums and the implications that has for the child. And in TV and film, the single mum character is often represented as being a bit all over the place, chaotic, possibly promiscuous, and never the model parent.”

In the face of such careless but commonplace negative depictions, Cox had hurdles to overcome before she could feel the parent she wanted to be. “I felt I couldn’t be that until I felt comfortable and proud of being a single parent. Shame and stigma were a big roadblock for me.”

She joined Frolo and says the feeling of not being alone gave great comfort. “I met amazing people who were raising their children and doing great things, and I realised being a single parent was something to be proud and not ashamed of.”

Desmond too had to “break through old narratives” that discussed issues of single parenthood in terms of “broken homes” and “needing to stay together for the kids”.

She is proud of traits she has had to develop as a single mum, such as resilience. “Had I stayed in a relationship that wasn’t a healthy dynamic, it would have required burying my head in the sand. Whereas I live life in a very intentional way. And hopefully I’m leading by example, modelling for my son how to live life in an authentic way.”

Single parents — like those in two-parent households — constantly ask themselves, “Am I doing it right? Is my child OK?” says Desmond.

Mother’s guilt is par for the course in any parenting journey.” 

She knows the importance of being aware of and prioritising what you need to keep you feeling strong and supported. 

“For different people, this will mean different things. As a single parent running a start-up business, I need to prioritise rest and sleep where I can. And sometimes what I need might be going out for a fun night with friends.”

The ‘good enough’ parent

According to the 2022 Census, 17% of family households in Ireland were headed by one parent in 2022. This translates to 186,487 one-parent mother families and 33,509 one-parent father families.

Psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Bernadette Ryan says life for single parents can be so busy you sometimes don’t have time to think about what kind of help you need. “You’re so stressed from the pressure of everyday living that you almost haven’t time to draw breath.”

She says it is important to put in as much practical help as possible from early on and not to feel you have to do it all because nobody can. “Take a look around at your supports. Is there support available from family, from friends? Particularly if you’re working full time and have school-going children, it’s not always easy to drop everything and run to get the child.”

She urges single parents to acknowledge that no parent can do it all — and nor can single parents. “It takes a village, which can be really difficult in the modern world because we all live such isolated lives. We have to construct our own village. Can there be somebody else of influence in your child’s life, someone you know and trust — a grandparent, a good friend?

“It can be very trying especially for single parents of teens. If there can be an adult the child trusts, like an aunt. Grandparents can be terrific because they’re a step back from the child’s life. They can have a bit more patience, learned from their own experience.”

Ryan recommends developing compassion for yourself as a parent. “There’s no such thing as perfection — thankfully, for children. We’re all going to get tired and lose it at some point. The ‘good enough’ parent is the one that does their best to connect with their child and rears their child as best they possibly can.”

Zoe Desmond and Rebecca Cox authors of How to be a Happy Single Parent

Desmond’s and Cox’s book covers topics ranging from negotiating co-parenting, childcare arrangements, finances, legal considerations to “holidays with the kids you can actually enjoy”, “actively not dating and being happy alone”, and “dating with kids”. It is a handbook for the myriad ups and downs of single parenting, no matter what your route to it, and promises to orient you from the start.

Desmond says it is the guide she looked for when she was a newly single parent, and Cox hopes it will help people feel less alone in those early days when there are so many tricky roadblocks to work through.

Recalling her early experience, Cox says: “At the beginning, you try to manufacture happiness and you aim towards birthdays and holidays. Now, it’s actually in the everyday that I realise how content Jack and I are — on the school run where we’re just happily chatting, watching a football match at home at the weekend. And it doesn’t feel like survival — it feels like living.”

It’s what she wishes for all single parents.

How to be a Happy Single Parent, Rebecca Cox and Zoe Desmond, €23.80