Common parenting pitfalls and expert advice on what to do instead

It's a privilege to be a parent but it can be challenging too. Here, four experts look at typical issues that can arise and suggest constructive ways of dealing with them 

Four therapists highlight parental behaviours that can catch us out — and suggest what might be better to do instead.

There's no denying parenting can be tricky – and most parents are consistently doing their best. But we’re not perfect and we’re going to fall foul of some typical parenting pitfalls now and again. As a New Year dawns, four therapists highlight parental behaviours that can catch us out — and suggest what might be better to do instead.

Mary McHugh, CEO and founder of www.counsellingonline.ie

• Being too afraid to say ‘no’ to your child

“More frequently nowadays, parents are too afraid to say no. Yet boundaries are healthy and children need them to feel safe and grow. Not knowing where the line is can be damaging for children as they move away from their parents into teen and adult life. A child needs to build the muscle of resilience, learning how to deal with rejection and disappointment. This muscle needs to be built at home.”

What to do instead: “If you’re not used to saying no, start with one thing you know you need to say no to and practice on that. Consistency is the key – begin with one ‘no’ and gradually build it up to where you have a healthy balance for your child.

“In an age-appropriate way, explain to your child the reason for the no. Encourage them to be emotional — healthy feelings [such as disappointment] are part of life. After the upset, find time to chat with the child about how that was for them. Again give them your reason for saying no. In this way, you’re keeping communication open and normalising difficult emotions.”

Mary McHugh

• Disconnection

McHugh believes we are losing connection at an enormous rate through social media and internet use. “Everyone has a device. Look around a restaurant and the whole family is on a separate device.”

A US-based study of 400 parents of children aged from five to 12, published last year, found parental use of smartphones in the presence of children was associated with lower child emotional intelligence.

“Parents need to model connection — they have a responsibility to the health and wellbeing of their children,” says McHugh.

What to do instead: “Begin with making an agreement about device-free time in the house [for everybody]. Start off with one hour and gradually build it up.

“Play games that involve the whole family – this creates fun and gives you things to talk about. Have a device-free [communal] room in the house, preferably the kitchen.”

Denise Enright, child and adolescent psychotherapist

• Asking why questions

“When you imagine someone asking ‘why did you do that?’ you can probably easily imagine feeling a little defensive. A why question backs a person into a corner, especially our children. We inevitably get the response, ‘I don’t know’.

“For a parent, it can be automatic to ask ‘why’ – parents don’t mean any harm, but the child feels they’ve done something wrong. It can straightaway create a power struggle. It doesn’t lead to open communication, it closes it down.”

What to do instead: Be more curious, recommends Enright. “A handy phrase is ‘I wonder’. I use ‘I wonder’ all the time with my two children who are aged six and three: ‘I wonder were you feeling frustrated when that happened, and maybe that’s why you threw your toy over there’. Asking ‘I wonder’ instead of ‘why’ softens things, [and conveys] I’m still on my child’s side – we’re together looking at the situation.

“Parents often have a hunch why something happened. Offering a ‘wonder’ instead of ‘why’ is an opportunity to build better communication skills and emotional awareness.”

Denise Enright

• Talking to teens too intensely

Adolescence is already an intense time with much physical, mental, social and academic adjustment, says Enright. “As their supporting adults, we want to offer guidance and reassurance, but being overly serious can close down communication.”

What to do instead: “Make use of ‘side talking’ opportunities to casually enquire about various topics. In the car is great for this, or when you’re side-by-side washing the dishes. Even if parents don’t get much information, showing an explicit interest in our teenager’s life remains important – they don’t like to be questioned, but they also don’t like to be ignored.

“Where possible, inject a sense of humour and lightness into the conversation. Listen and understand their perspective first. A good question is: ‘Do you want my ears or my advice?’”

Dr Vincent McDarby, clinical psychologist

• Underestimating a child’s ability

“We’ve a tendency to overprotect children,” says McDarby, a member of the Psychological Society of Ireland. He sees it manifesting in not giving children time to play by themselves unsupervised. “A lot of children get very little unsupervised play. Everything’s structured into organised play. We transfer our anxieties onto our children – we won’t let them walk to the shop or climb a tree.”

McDarby encourages parents to think of their own happiest childhood memories – were they outside and unsupervised? Children learn through play – and they need to learn for themselves, he says. “If two children are fighting and a supervising adult steps in to sort it out, the children don’t learn the skills to negotiate.”

What to do instead: “Realise that sometimes parenting is just standing back and letting the child work it out for themselves, whether that’s figuring out what is thrilling or risky, or what’s right or wrong.”

• Bypassing our own natural parental instincts

“Being a parent is one of the most natural things in the world,” says McDarby. ‘Parenting’, he says, is a relatively new word. “We don’t talk about ‘husbanding’ or ‘wifing’. Yet we often expect a manual to tell us how to parent. We run to the book, the website, look to see what this or that expert says.

“We’re bombarded with so much information on TV, in books, telling us not to trust our own instincts.”

What to do instead: “Every parent is an expert in their own child – and every child is different,” says McDarby. “Parental advice tends to be generic, based on the ‘average’ or ‘general’ child – there’s no such child.”

And yes, by all means, seek help from other parents or ‘experts’, but do trust your own instincts. “In the vast majority of cases [your instincts] are right.”

Treasa Forristal, child and adolescent psychotherapist

• Responding to a child’s negative behaviour with punishment

“Parents say, ‘How do we make this behaviour stop?’ and they punish the child,” says Forristal.

She sees ‘poor’ behaviour as communication of an unmet need. “No child chooses to be bold. A negative behaviour may mean they’re tired, hungry, or upset about a big event that has happened. They could be feeding off the anxiety of the adults around them.”

Or the child may have a skills deficit that’s playing out in different environments or with their peers, and the child doesn’t know how to manage it. “By punishing the behaviour rather than being curious about why it’s happening, parents lose opportunities to upskill their child, to change the environment or even to investigate further for neurodiversity.”

What to do instead: Be curious, you will find an answer, though it will take more time than sanctioning a child, says Forristal.

“Parents can ask, ‘Is this behaviour present consistently at a particular time of day, or in certain environments, or when the child is with certain people?’. Perhaps engage with the school, or ask your partner for input.

“You’re looking for a pattern. Does it happen every evening as your child sits down to homework? Perhaps they need a rest before starting homework. Or perhaps they can do their homework lying on the ground, supporting themselves with their elbows – which can help calm the nervous system, and in turn with doing the homework.

“Or maybe, as many parents say, the behaviour is ‘for attention’. It may be. So now you know you need to give your child pockets of attention.”

When parents’ perception of their child’s negative behaviour turns to being curious, they no longer see a child ‘being bold’, says Forristal. “They see the behaviour as an opportunity to action change.”