Joanna Fortune: My risk-taking son is a constant worry 

Risk-taking starts early in life. Tentatively taking a first step when we might fall, climbing up the back of a kitchen chair for it to topple over, scaling a tree or a fence outdoors and getting stuck so that we must call for assistance, trying new foods when unsure of the taste, or starting school. These normal and healthy risk-taking behaviours help us master tension-rousing experiences and move forward with our development

My 12-year-old son loves to take risks, from cycling his bicycle at high speed, to jumping into the deep end of the pool, or climbing trees. I want to support his sense of adventure but worry about his safety. Any time I tell him to be careful, he tells me not to worry. But I worry all the time.

Risk-taking involves anything with an inherent chance of success or failure, which you decide to do anyway.

Risk-taking starts early in life. Tentatively taking a first step when we might fall, climbing up the back of a kitchen chair for it to topple over, scaling a tree or a fence outdoors and getting stuck so that we must call for assistance, trying new foods when unsure of the taste, or starting school. These normal and healthy risk-taking behaviours help us master tension-rousing experiences and move forward with our development. 

Repeated experiences of risky play give us the confidence to try new things, interact with new people and open ourselves to new experiences while regulating our thoughts and feelings about doing so. These are skills we need through to adulthood when we need to take risks in work and personal interactions. 

Children need to know there are supportive adults around them who will encourage their efforts and cheer them on as they take new risks. The resulting gift is the child's belief in themselves even if they fail and need comfort. 

Try to see this from your son's perspective. For example, remember the first time you freewheeled down a steep hill on your bike, that surge in fear and excitement you felt, and then you turned a corner or hit the brakes too hard and came off the bike? Risk-taking play like this taught you an essential lesson about self-regulation.

While it is healthy for our children to engage in positive risk-taking play, it does not mean parents feel as comfortable with it.

Take time to reflect on your relationship with risk and perhaps consider if you are a risk-taker or risk-avoider. What fears are being activated in you when your son takes risks? 

When he tells you not to worry, tell him you do worry because you are his parent, and keeping him safe is part of your job. 

Consider designing a colour code you can use to reach a balance with his risk-taking. Is the level of risk green (comfortably attainable task), orange (moderate level of risk) or red (high risk and potentially unsafe behaviour)? Tell him you won’t intervene on the green risks, will support him in orange-level risks but will stop the red risks until a safety plan is explored.

I have a podcast episode on this topic you might find helpful but try to take a risk on risky play because (often) the benefits outweigh the negatives. See: exa.mn/15-minute-risk-taking