Just exhausted — or are you suffering parental burnout?

Rosemary Daynes-Kearney says: “People think it’s the parent’s age that matters. This study found the child’s age is a factor. Parents of under-5s are more likely to be exhausted — younger children require more physical care."

An hour after dropping your child at summer camp you get a call to say they forgot their lunch box. At the same time, you’re dealing with sibling rows and your five-year-old has an ongoing health issue — their hay fever has flared up again.

Parenting is full of these short-term or even chronic stresses, says Dr Ann-Marie Creaven at University of Limerick’s (UL) Department of Psychology. “We all experience these daily hassles. It’s not always easy, but it’s natural to feel stressed when you’re pulled in different directions.”

Creaven says everybody experiences these stresses — but parental burnout is a different matter. “I’d hope that parental burnout is a lot less common than parental stress. Burnout isn’t something we’d expect to see widely at all.”

Yet, while there is no hard data for Ireland, some research suggests that an increasing number of parents can experience parental burnout. Rosemary Daynes-Kearney, a PhD researcher at UL's Department of Psychology, points to an international investigation of the phenomenon, which collected data between 2018 and March 2020. “It found parental burnout varied from between 1-8% of parents,” she says.

But what is parental burnout?

“It’s a state of intense exhaustion related to the parental role, and consequently becoming emotionally detached from the role and from the children, and becoming doubtful about your capacity to be a good parent,” says Creaven, who explains that burnout happens when the stresses are greater than the resources available to deal with them.

Burnout has been a topic in the world of employment since the 1950s/60s. But in the parenting world it is a much newer concept

Elaborating on the three markers involved in parental burnout — exhaustion, emotional detachment, and sense of ineffectiveness in the parental role — Daynes-Kearney describes how an afflicted parent might feel. “You’ve no energy left to take care of your child. You wake up in the morning and, thinking about the day, you’re already exhausted before you’re even out of bed.

“You’re able to do the day-to-day physical tasks of caring for your child — preparing meals, tidying up after them, getting them to school. But what’s missing is the enjoyment of being with your child, being close — you feel distant from your child. You have negative reflections about yourself in the parenting role. You feel you’re a bad parent, that ‘I’m no longer the parent I used to be’.”

When these feelings are “prevalent, prolonged and don’t go away”, it’s a sign, says Daynes-Kearney, that the balance between coping and stress has tipped in the wrong direction. She sees parental stress augmented by the constant demands placed on parents — to provide for their children, to play with them, to be all-things-they-can-be.

“And the type of society we live in can have a direct effect on parental burnout,” she says, adding that this societal context can impact us as parents without us realising.

“In Ireland, we tend not to share parental tasks. Some countries have a village feel, but we’re more focused on the individual family group. We’re also raising our children to be individuals, so they’re less likely to conform to parental wishes. And we self-compare against a ‘standard’ of what good parenting is — as individual parents we tend to judge ourselves.”

She points to individual risk factors for parental burnout, such as perfectionism, low satisfaction with personal/professional life, children’s personality traits, e.g. they lack emotional control or have temper/anger issues, and caring for children with additional needs. “These can all put you at risk of parental burnout.”

The impact of parental burnout is wide-ranging, affecting mood and sleep and leading to irritability and feelings of guilt/shame

Citing a French study that found the child’s age also a factor, Daynes-Kearney says: “People think it’s the parent’s age that matters. This study found the child’s age is a factor. Parents of under-5s are more likely to be exhausted — younger children require more physical care. Whereas parents of older children are more likely to feel a lack of accomplishment, because children this age require more emotional care — particularly in the teens when there’s a lot more familial conflict.”

Burnout has been a topic in the world of employment since the 1950s/60s. But in the parenting world, it is a much newer concept and we’re only in the early days of understanding it, says Daynes-Kearney.

Creaven says with job burnout, the manager bears the brunt of underperforming employees. “At work, burnout is a problem for managers but, with parental burnout, there’s no manager to put something in place.”

Pointing out that a good quality relationship between child and parent is very important for the child — and parental burnout obviously compromises this — Creaven says: “The connection isn’t going to be as strong if the parent is feeling emotionally detached and exhausted.”

But she also believes a lot of pressure is placed on parents to solve what is not theirs entirely to solve. “If we want people to raise children to thrive, we need to mitigate against parental burnout with policies like parental leave, and putting more in the built environment around low-cost facilities for children to meet other children. If you live in an area with a lot of playgrounds and low-cost amenities, that reduces parental stress – for parents, there’s less entertaining [of children] to do.”

She believes the State should take over preschool care, just as it does with primary and secondary schools. “And there needs to be enhanced supports in the community for parents, even if it’s at the level of companionship.” Without such supports, she says the parental burden is higher than it needs to be.

The impact of parental burnout is wide-ranging, affecting mood and sleep and leading to irritability and feelings of guilt/shame. “People may leave their job. There may be relationship conflict. It impacts quality of life and can lead to violence, suicide ideation and neglect of the child, for example not attending to their emotional needs,” says Daynes-Kearney.

As with so much in life, prevention is better than cure — and parental burnout is no exception. “Recognise the indicators. Is the way you’re feeling fleeting or lasting? Seek help from your GP or other professional,” says Daynes-Kearney, who recommends building up protective factors that will enhance your coping resources.

She advises:

• Look at your social supports — these networks can be in-person or online. “My own research supports finding similar others who feel as you do. Become part of parenting groups, so you can get emotional help from other parents.”
• Identify your likes away from being a parent, where you can cultivate new social networks/interests — it could be sports, art, being a member of a religious group.
• There are positive benefits to helping others. “People’s sense of wellbeing and confidence is enhanced by being able to provide, as well as receive, support.”
• Identify to yourself what supports you need. “It could be real tangible support, like your mum coming to help with the laundry. Or perhaps you need information on a particular area of parenting. Or maybe it’s emotional support — someone to talk and vent with.”
• Address yourself with self-compassion. “It has been found to be a buffer against stress and parental burnout. Give yourself a break, do nice things for yourself, say nice things about yourself.”
• Cultivate empathy for your child. Understanding their point of view and where their behaviour is coming from will dial down the stress.
• Check out the Parental Burnout Assessment Tool at https://en.burnoutparental.com/test-pba-en

As a mum of children with additional needs, Rosemary Daynes-Kearney is conducting research into online support groups. She wants to better understand why family carers use/don’t use them — and if they use them what works for them, and what doesn’t.

She is inviting people to complete an online survey about their experiences so as to help organisations/groups understand how best to set up/run online support groups.

For more information, email [e-mail]