Colman Noctor: I often wonder if my generation marks the end of the DIY-dad role

The ability to do basic carpentry can be passed down through the generations - but we are in danger of losing these skills, says our columnist. Picture: iStock

THE role of Irish fathers is changing. We are all familiar with the rhetoric that there are many more dads pushing buggies now than in years gone by. However, there are other ways in which fathers’ roles have changed from previous generations, creating some gaps in father-child learning.

This column is based on my experience and perhaps reflects the experience of some other fathers too. I am focusing on how hands-on modern dads have lost the DIY skills of their fathers and past generation.

Traditionally there was a belief that the father’s role was to protect, provide, and discipline. The ‘wait until your father gets home’ threat was commonplace and universally understood. While I accept that in some families this may still be the case, in other families, ‘wait until your mother gets home’ could also ring true. The traditional roles of mother and father have become considerably less polarised, with fathers taking on some conventional mothering duties and vice versa.

I grew up in the 1980s and I would say the role my father had in my upbringing bears little or no resemblance to the role I play in my three children’s lives. I don’t remember my father ever taking me to a dental appointment or the GP when I was ill, and he never attended any of my parent-teacher meetings throughout my 14-year school journey. Whereas I often bring my children to medical and dental appointments, and last November, I remember getting stressed about being caught up in work and missing my eldest son’s parent-teacher meeting.

Accepted culture

I do not mean to criticise my father — he was no different to any of the other fathers of any of my friends. It was the accepted culture at the time. I also don’t believe his lack of hands-on involvement affected me negatively. I always sensed that my father ‘had my back’ and his unconditional love was clear to me in other ways, so I never doubted it. But that said, it has shaped my expectations as a father as I aim to be far more present in my children’s day-to-day lives.

The recent increase in men’s involvement with their children, which is gaining cultural traction, is to be welcomed as it demonstrates a willingness on behalf of fathers to share the burden of the many parenting duties and a willingness to be included in decision-making regarding children’s welfare.

According to research by the Paediatric Association in the US, an involved father promotes inner growth and strength in their children. Also, studies have shown that when fathers are affectionate and supportive, it significantly affects a child’s cognitive and social development and instils an overall sense of wellbeing and self-confidence.

Some might say that the only downside of increased fatherly involvement can be seen on the sports field. My father attended a handful of my GAA and rugby matches when I was growing up and never attended any of my training sessions. While some might regard this as a disadvantage, the flipside was that he never shouted at me from the sideline or put me under pressure to perform, and he certainly never had any opinions on whether the standard of my coaches or the referees in charge of our games met or did not meet his expectations.

The DIY dad

Another aspect of the father-son relationship that has changed from my father’s time in the 1980s is the role of the DIY dad. My abiding memory of my father, when he was not at work, was him doing work at home. Whether that was building a wall at the side of the house, replacing a window in the garage that had been the victim of one of my wayward sliotars, or fixing plugs and fuse boxes, he was always doing something.

I don’t remember us ever having workmen in the house as my father did most of the things that needed to be done.

I’ve no idea where he learned how to do this stuff — he wasn’t a tradesman; he worked as a warehouse manager — but somehow, he just took out his toolbox and knew what to do with the stuff in it. I presumed he learned from his father, and these skills were taught and handed down through the generations. While I often watched him doing these jobs and at times I was called upon to hold a piece of timber in place while he sawed through it or asked to shine a torch over his shoulder while he fixed the water tank in the attic, his intricate DIY skills were lost on me.

I had no brothers, so the onus was on me to carry on the skills, and one of my greatest regrets was not taking the time to learn those particularly useful skills. I see the cost of it now because if anything is broken in our house, like a dishwasher or the boiler, I am at a complete loss as to what to do about it. I can change a tyre on my car, but that is about the extent of my DIY skills. I often wonder if my generation marks the end of the handy-dad role.

I sometimes explain my inability away by using the excuse that I never did practical subjects like woodwork, metalwork, or mechanical drawing in school and that is why I don’t know this stuff. Or else I tell myself that the world has become more automated now and we no longer need to learn these skills. But what about hands-on skills such as tiling, hanging shelves, or fixing a leaking tap?

When my children grow up, they may have fond memories of their dad bringing them to the dentist or attending all their parent-teacher meetings, but they won’t thank me when the dishwasher breaks or when the water tank in the attic is on the fritz. I will have taught them nothing other than who to ring to get it fixed.

But maybe it’s not too late to do something about it. I will try to convince my son to do woodwork in secondary school and, hopefully, he can teach me a few things, or else I will buy some flatpack items from IKEA and ask my 89-year-old dad, one of the most involved grandfathers I have ever known, over to give us all a few lessons.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad — I am sorry for not listening and watching as much as I should have.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist