Colman Noctor: How to raise a kind child — who is not a people-pleaser

The child who gets a reputation for being ‘good’ may interpret pressure to live up to this role all the time

Pic: iStock

We tell our children that being kind, thoughtful, and inclusive of others is important. But we also tell them to be strong, assertive, and to stand up for themselves, which can sometimes seem confusing. For example, we might encourage a child to be inclusive of a child from overseas who joins their class, while at the same time asking them to stand up to dominant peers who are bossy and dismissive.

It can be a tricky balance. We want our children to be reasonable and thoughtful, but not so much that they people-please.

One of the most common dynamics I see in my clinical practice is children who have an unhealthy need to please others. While this is not a disorder, it can sometimes suggest more worrying issues.

A people-pleasing child is easy to identify: They are typically someone that everyone, including teachers and other adults, considers helpful and kind. For example, in the classroom, if there are any jobs to do or is a need for someone to volunteer, they are more than willing to step up.

While this might not seem to be an issue, excessive people-pleasing has the potential for negative consequences. The child who gets a reputation for being ‘good’ may strive to live up to this description.

The need to please others may not just be fuelled by a desire to be kind and helpful: A fear of rejection may also drive it. When you scratch the surface with these children, there is often a fear of disappointing others. These children do not please others just to be helpful; they may have low self-esteem and look after others to be accepted.

Children who take people pleasing to excessive levels may have trouble making independent decisions later in life and commonly develop other difficulties in setting healthy boundaries in relationships. This can pose significant problems.

Acts of kindness, generosity, and affection are traits of a healthy, well-rounded individual. But excessive people-pleasing involves chronically prioritising the needs, wants, or feelings of others at the expense of their own needs, wants, or feelings.

Fears opinion of others

US psychologist Silvi Saxena has identified the warning signs of people-pleasing. The first is the inability to say ‘no’. This occurs because the child needs to feel accepted and liked by everyone, and believes the only way to ensure this is by being overly agreeable.

Another sign of excessive people-pleasing is a child who is deeply concerned about the opinions that others have of them. This also stems from insecurity, not confidence, and can lead to a child curtailing their behaviour to fit in, despite not being true to themselves.

Children and teenagers lack experience, which teaches us that it is not possible to go through life being liked by everybody. However, without the benefit of maturity, young people see themselves through the eyes of others, which makes them vulnerable to feedback from peers and their environment. Acceptance by peers acts as a seal of approval that your sense of self is enough.

However, this drive for acceptance can create other signs of excessive people-pleasing, leaving a child feeling guilty about setting boundaries. So a teenager with a needy friend might act as a 24-hour support hotline. While supporting a friend is good, tending to the friend’s needs at the cost of your own is not healthy.

These teenagers often say they don’t like to set boundaries because they want to be helpful and they feel bad when they have to say no to others, but this is not coming from a desire to be available; it is fuelled by a fear that being unavailable will result in rejection.

This can come to light when parents try to limit the teenager’s phone access and the teenager then becomes distressed because they fear the consequences of not being available to their peers around the clock.

Children who are people pleasers over-apologise. This need to please often extends to adulthood. For example, when someone is distracted on their phone and accidentally bumps into me, I feel compelled to say sorry, despite them walking into me. While this may not be a cause for concern, if I become upset by things that don’t have anything to do with me, I might be on the road to a more significant problem.

Children who are people pleasers may not have sufficient self-worth to believe others will like them if they have a different view or opinion on something. This might also result in a morbid fear of being perceived as selfish, because that would prove that they are putting their needs ahead of the needs of others.

Self-worth issues

Neuroticism, conscientiousness, agreeableness, openness, and extraversion are the ‘Big Five’ personality traits identified by US psychologist D W Fiske (1949) and expanded upon by other researchers. Thousands of research studies carried out on these traits over the years have found that excessive agreeableness and self-consciousness are a poor combination for our mental well-being and suggest a person vulnerable to becoming a people-pleaser.

It is critical to address the teenager’s self-worth needs first. This is not about making the child less kind or less thoughtful, but teaching them that their needs are important too. The core issue is to establish balance.

A people-pleasing child needs to know that their desire to meet the needs of others is not a problem. They must also believe that people will still accept them, even if they set up boundaries, and, as a result, do not meet all the needs of others. In short, a young person needs to understand and accept that people may disagree with them from time to time and that this does not signal the end of a relationship or reflect poorly on them as a person.

Constructive feedback can help them to break the habit. Remind them that they don’t need to apologise for things they are not responsible for and try to challenge them when they automatically respond with ‘I don’t mind’ when you are enquiring about their preferences.

Focus on their self-worth by commenting on their qualities unrelated to agreeableness, for example, their sense of humour and creativity, as opposed to their work ethic or independent behaviours.

We need to be mindful not to be overly complimentary of their agreeableness and inadvertently encourage other people-pleasing belief systems and behaviours. Instead, we need to teach children to believe in their own value, that they are enough without resorting to excessive people-pleasing to maintain relationships.

We can role model this by acknowledging when a child assertively uses their voice and by validating them in a way that says your voice has value, your opinions matter, and even if we disagree, our relationship does not have to suffer. Instead, it may become stronger.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist