Having 'the talk': How to discuss sex, relationships and sexual consent with your child

A new campaign aims to open up the conversation around sexual consent and encourages parents to talk to their children from a young age about healthy relationships, respecting boundaries and clear communication

Many parents have gotten better at giving their teens ‘the sex talk’, but there are many who find it hard to initiate such a talk

Caitriona Freir recently watched Stranger Things with her 16-year-old son.

The mum-of-two often uses movies and TV drama to spark conversations with her teen children about what healthy relationships look like.

Freir — who began these conversations with her boys when they were about eight — is the education and training manager with Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC). Along with Justice Minister Simon Harris and Community Foundation Ireland, the DRCC has just launched We-Consent, a three-year national campaign.

The aim is to ignite an open, meaningful conversation about sex and relationships, and build a greater understanding of consent.

Research undertaken by DRCC has found 70% of us think we have a problem with consent in Ireland. One in three say they are too embarrassed to talk about sex, 81% agree that talking about consent would result in more healthy sex and sexuality, and 72% agree a better understanding of consent will help equality.

Research also found 84% of people in Ireland agreeing we need age-appropriate sex education in school — and that there’s a strong desire among parents to empower their children when it comes to consent.

The DRCC runs training courses for teachers and youth workers on how to talk with children and young people on topics like consent, sexual violence, and the potential impacts of media, culture, and pornography. But parents can be afraid to open up such conversations with children.

“We hear from educators that parents are a bit afraid of the topic. They may feel that, by talking about these topics, young people might be more inclined to engage in bad behaviour or to look at pornography — but this isn’t the case,” says Freir.

The education, she says, is about what can happen when someone engages in pornography — or what can happen when someone doesn’t understand what a healthy relationship is.

Having ‘the talk’

Caitriona Freir

Freir acknowledges many parents have gotten better at giving their teens ‘the sex talk’, but there are many who find it hard to initiate such a talk — and when they do, it tends to be about biology and dos and don’ts.

“Parents fear they’ll get it wrong, that they won’t be able to say the right thing or that they’ll mess it up somehow. There can be embarrassment too because, well, teens are teens.”

If parents don’t talk with children about healthy interactions where people are equal, about boundaries, about consent, then where will children get these messages, Freir asks. “If you don’t have these conversations at home, you’re relying on schools and everything else your child interacts with. If parents don’t talk — children are getting information from YouTube, music videos, and TV programmes.”

This is problematic as the interactions depicted can give unhealthy messages. “They can sometimes reinforce gender stereotypes about inequality between men and women, and show relationships that aren’t necessarily healthy, where there’s no healthy interaction going on,” says Freir, adding that such negative messages become compounded for children as they see repeated examples in different kinds of media.

Aside from chats sparked by TV shows and movies you watch with your child, Freir says parents can use interactions the child has experienced or witnessed at school to begin conversations around equality and consent. “If there’s an issue, an argument, with a friend, you can encourage your child to think about what that feels like... and what they think it feels like for the other person. And talk to them about how they can come to an agreement.”

When parents model equality at home, it’s a good counterpoint to problematic messaging. “If your household is very equal in rights and responsibilities, if interactions are healthy and if, when there’s an argument, people can be assertive, that’s an important [influence],” says Freir.

With research finding young people can’t distinguish between pornography and real life, it’s important they’re educated on the issue. “Pornography can have problematic messages about safe sex, gender roles, consent, body image, and sexuality,” says Freir. “Whether they’ve watched it or not, they’ll be influenced by peers who’ve seen it and through social media, music and so on.”

Start early

Comedian Jarlath Regan is a spokesperson for the We-Consent campaign

When talking to your child or teen about respectful mutual relationships, sexual consent, and the impact of pornography, Freir recommends:

• Start talking about consent and the influence of the world around them as early as possible. You don’t need to wait until teen years to talk in appropriate ways about healthy relationships, how to respect boundaries and how to communicate well.
• Layer, don’t load — you’ll get many chances to have these conversations, so don’t try to fit everything in at once. “It’s about having little conversations often: ‘what’s it like to have a boy or girlfriend at your age?’ You might get nothing. By gauging where they’re at, you can prepare yourself to tailor the conversation. And you can come back to the conversation at a different time.

“It’s ongoing — not one conversation you’re building up to. That’s not going to cover it. By layering conversation, you’re building up normality around talking about these things,” says Freir.

• Communicate often through adolescence about sex, relationships, and consent. By repeating messages around consent, they’ll absorb more and more. And talk positively to your child — don’t educate on dangers all the time. You’ll be more effective if you talk openly about what’s good about respectful mutual relationships – this enables kids to feel good about who they are.
• Be a ‘tellable’ parent — really listen to what your child is saying. And be an ‘askable’ parent — welcome your child’s curiosity. Comedian Jarlath Regan, creator with his wife Tina of parenting podcast Honey You’re Ruining Our Kid, is a spokesperson for the We-Consent campaign and was a panellist at its launch. He has a weekly ‘walk and talk’ tradition with his son, 12-year-old Mikey. “It’s the highlight of our week. Sometimes we go to the Hill of Tara. We have various places we go. It’s a completely honest space, where he can say anything to me and I’m not allowed to get upset, and similarly I can put things to him.

“There’s something about that parallel walking, there’s no eye contact and pressure in a moment like that. I do think there’s a place in your week where all screens and distractions are away, and you get to talk to your kid organically. The things that are on their mind come out in that moment — that’s what I’ve witnessed.”

• Talk about examples of healthy relationships in their lives. Use what’s going on in the media — films highlighting features of healthy relationships, for example, trust/equality/communication/being yourself — or what’s going on in the community to instigate conversation.
• You may be eager to ask your teen about what experience they’ve had, but this line of discussion may make them close up – defeating the purpose of communication. Keep the conversation general. This’ll help you communicate openly with them — and they’re more likely to be honest with you in future when talking about these issues. And when kids do open up, listen. “Don’t take over the discussion. Let them take the lead. And avoid asking too many questions,” says Freir.
• Build your knowledge by doing some research. These sites may help: www.webwise.ie; www.sexualwellbeing.ie; www.schooldays.ie; amaze.org; spunout.ie; www.thinkuknow.co.uk[/urrl]. Remember to check them out yourself before recommending them to your children.
• DRCC runs two programmes aimed at facilitating better understanding among young people: BodyRight and #LetsGetReal. These are for professionals working with young people, for example, in schools/youth groups/colleges.
  

DRCC also runs consent workshops for second and third-level students, as well as wider campaigns to raise awareness and create change. Information and resources are available at www.drcc.ie. DRCC’s national helpline 1800 77 8888 is free/open to anyone with concerns about sexual violence.