Joanna Fortune: I find it difficult to keep my grandchildren under control

Children thrive within calm, clear, consistent boundaries and limit setting.

Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

I've two energetic grandchildren aged four and six who I mind two afternoons a week. They often act up and refuse to do with I tell them. I want to put them on time out, but my daughter is against this form of discipline, saying it's too upsetting. Instead, she wants me to distract them with games or fun chores. I tried her approach, but the boys ignored me and continued misbehaving. I don't think I'm cut out for modern parenting.

I feel for you in this dilemma. You are providing care for your grandchildren as a support to your daughter, for which I am sure she is grateful, but you struggle with trying to parent as she does as it's not your way.

Children thrive within calm, clear, consistent boundaries and limit setting. Positive discipline is the idea that discipline should aim to teach the behaviour that you want to see rather than punishing the behaviour you don’t want to see. An excellent way to hold this principle in mind is to use the ACT framework:

• Acknowledge the feeling – 'I know that you are angry because your brother took your toy'.
• Communicate the limit – 'We do not hit people in this family -  it is never OK to hit your brother'.
• Target an alternative – 'The next time you feel like hitting something, you can hit this cushion'. Or, 'I can blow up a balloon and hold it out so that you can punch it instead'.

This is much more effective than a time-out, which requires children to sit and reflect on their behaviour and say they are sorry after a specific amount of time. To do this, they must have the capacity to self-regulate their emotions and children this age do not yet have that ability, so this form of discipline isn’t appropriate for them. They might say they are sorry but the true meaning of sorry is still emerging for them, especially with your youngest grandchild.

I wonder if you could structure their time with you a little more. Perhaps make a calendar and designate a specific activity for each afternoon you are with them. Monday is nature walk day to collect some leaves to bring home and do leaf-rubbings with or to collect stones that you can bring home to paint together. Tuesday is baking cakes and then decorating them. Wednesday is jigsaw day or card-making day (that way you can go on a walk to the post box to post your cards afterwards) and so on. The chart will help the children to see the day’s activity and may help them focus on doing something together rather than getting on each other’s nerves and stressing you out.

 I would also suggest that you sit with your daughter and reflect on what is and is not working with the arrangement, discuss with her the changes you are planning to make and ask for her support in speaking with her children about how you are the adult-in-charge when she is away and that she expects them to listen and do as you say. Children need to see that all their caregiving adults are on the same page.

• You might find this episode on discipline in my 15-Minute Parenting podcast series helpful. Visit exa.mn/15-minutes-discipline
• Joanna Fortune is a child psychotherapist