Joanna Fortune: How can I help my two-year-old to understand mum and dad are separated?
"While you are understandably focused on your daughter, also ensure you are taking time to take care of yourself through all of this."
I am so sorry that this has been such a difficult year for you all. While you are understandably focused on your daughter, also ensure you are taking time to take care of yourself through all of this. It will take time, patience and consistency for her to settle. Be kind to yourselves between now and then because it is OK to find difficult experiences difficult to manage.
At two years, your daughter will have recently developed what we call 'permanence'. Before this stage, children understand that when objects disappear from their line of sight, they can reappear. Think of how we play with babies by waving a teddy in front of them and then quickly hiding it behind our backs before showing it again. One moment it's here, and the next, it’s gone and then it's here again. Through repeating this type of play, children begin to understand that objects still exist even when they don’t see them. They then transfer this awareness to people in their lives.
When people disappear, a young child will initially think they have ceased to exist until they return. Through repetition, the child internalises that people still exist even when they do not see them and can hold the idea of the absent person in their mind when they are apart. We support this process by playing games like peek-a-boo or hide-and-seek with them. It can take up to 12-18 months for this awareness to fully develop in children.
Your daughter may be experiencing a regression in this stage of development as a response to your separation. It is hard for her to see Daddy leave, and that point of separation is upsetting. She is too young for you to explain it verbally.
Try to develop a goodbye ritual you and her father use when you leave. It could be a little song that you sing (always the same song) with a short dance. You could also pretend to stuff her pockets with kisses or place a kiss into the palm of her hand. You can mark the point of separation in a calm, consistent and predictable way so that with repetition, she will develop an awareness that this song, dance or kiss means you will say goodbye but you will come back to do it again.
Be nurturing and soothing when she is distressed. Hold her and rock her while you sing or hum a favourite song. As she calms, find something playful to do as a form of redirection or distraction. Go back to that permanence-strengthening play of peek-a-boo, hide-and-seek and ensure she is getting time to play, having fun and laughing with you each day. A good belly laugh is a great way for children to release residual tension they might be holding on to - and it is also good for grown-ups.
My 15-Minute Parenting podcast series includes an episode: 'Breaking the news of a break-up' which you might find helpful. See: exa.mn/15-minute-breakup
- If you have a question for Joanna, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie
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