Joanna Fortune: My twin daughters are very attached to me

A sensitive child requires sensitive parenting

Tue, 01 Nov, 2022 - 02:19

Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

My five-year-old twin daughters are highly sensitive, one especially so, and the other has always had big separation anxiety where I'm concerned and still has phases where she has bowel accidents, especially when she is worried. They are happy kids, have no issues with friends and enjoy school. But there are times when they get really nervous and still quite dependent on me. So much so that they ask for me to come with them to the toilet, or neither will go upstairs by herself and generally like to know where I am at all times.

Before we assume your daughter’s toileting symptoms are due to anxiety, I suggest you make an appointment with your GP to check if there is an underlying medical cause. That said, it is not unusual for children (or adults) to physically express their emotional worries, with gastric disturbance or toileting symptoms being common.

In the longer version of your letter, you mentioned your children ruminating about death even though they haven’t experienced death directly. Children can become quite fixated on death between the ages of four and six, even if they have not lost anyone. And while interested in death, the permanence of it is not fully grasped. (Listen to my podcast on understanding death )

Another symptom you mentioned is that your children can struggle with separation, even going upstairs alone in the house. I wonder if you can be playful in engaging with this and suggest a game of Marco Polo. Practice small but increasing separations with them upstairs and you downstairs (or start in separate rooms on the same floor of the house) and you say Marco, and they reply Polo each time. This game lets them know that you are there and can help them tolerate not being in close physical proximity to you for periods of time.

There is nothing wrong with being emotionally sensitive. Indeed, if we had more emotionally sensitive people in certain jobs the world would be a far better place. But it is very challenging to be a sensitive child as you don’t yet have a filter to separate the feelings of others from your feelings and can often feel overwhelmed, exhausted and depleted by how deeply you feel the world.

A sensitive child requires sensitive parenting. Each day sit and ask what the best bits of their day were and what parts they wish they could change. Don’t judge, critique or advise — listen and receive this. And share your own moments with them.

When they are overwhelmed or overtly anxious about something, ask them to consider whatever is worrying them as a book or a movie. How would they direct or write the story? What plot twists and changes would they add, and how would that influence the outcome? Helping them to see themselves as central to the activity of their lives and how they can influence outcomes for themselves is best approached playfully.

Find opportunities to play and laugh together. Laughter is a great way to release residual tension held in the body while triggering some happy hormones. A genuine belly laugh (not tickles as that is stimulating and often uncomfortable for people) drawn from a shared joy is a great way to end the day and ensures no one is carrying the day’s tensions into bed and sleep. (Listen to my podcast on parenting the sensitive child )