Back to school: Expert tips on getting an anxious child ready for the classroom

Returning to school can be daunting for a worried child. Ciara McDonnell seeks tips and advice from the experts

It is as important for the parent to prepare for their own anxieties, as it is to prepare our children

My eldest son Matthew is seven. He is what my Granny would have called a worrier. He worries about the likelihood of his Lego bridge lasting through the night, he worries that one of our three kittens is being left out of the social circle, he worries that I am going to make him finally try broccoli for the first time.

His first days and weeks at school were wrought with anxiety. At the time, I wondered had I created it all through my own concern about how he would fare in the big bad world. Had my worries become his worries through parental osmosis? What began as tears at the school gate quickly grew into large-scale emotive affairs, involving teachers peeling a wailing Matthew from my body and shutting the classroom door with their foot, giving me a furtive wink as they went.

Ours is not an uncommon story, says psychologist Enda Murphy. “Children go through three major events in their lives, where they experience huge changes,” he says. “The first is when we start school, the second is when we start secondary school and the third is when we leave school for third level. They are the three most vulnerable periods of your life.”

For children as much as adults, it’s about controlling our environment says the psychologist and founder of The Raggy Dolls Club, a community-wide initiative of talks and workshops which aims to give us a tool kit for dealing with anxiety and panic attacks.

When kids are growing up, it’s all about trying to be in control, but the reality is that we have no control. We are in a world where if it remains stable for long enough, we have a reasonable amount of belief that it will stay that way. The key is teaching children that they have the ability to adjust to their new environment.

Operation Transformation’s Eddie Murphy agrees, saying that it is as important for the parent to prepare for their own anxieties, as it is to prepare our children. “Any sudden change in a child’s routine can make it extremely stressful. Before you begin to prepare your child to start school, it is important that you as a parent deal with any anxieties or fears you may have. Children can pick up on such anxieties, making them feel stressed about the idea of starting school and being separated from you.”

The solution for a child who has concerns or worries about school is normalising the experience for them, believes Enda Murphy. “Reassuring the child can work, but with most children it won’t. The thinking you want to instil is the idea that no matter what happens, your child will be able to adjust to it. It’s important to deal not with what the child is worried might happen, but with what is actually happening.”

Giving your child social context can alleviate a lot of the concerns that they may have about fitting in, says Eddie Murphy. “Give your child a verbal walk through of the day,” he suggests. “Try talk to your child about the positive things that they will most likely appreciate about starting school. These include making new friends, participating in fun activities such as arts and crafts or P.E. Story books about starting school are also useful as they often highlight the positive aspects associated with school. Additionally, talk to your child about how they feel about starting school and take note of any concerns or worries they may have.”

Children starting their secondary school journey are particularly susceptible to concerns about school, according to Enda Murphy. “Over a third of children will have difficulty adjusting to secondary school, so it’s a much bigger issue than we think. You are going into a world where you have been the top of one heap to the bottom of a much bigger heap.”

For pre-teens, the focus is all about doing things right, he says.

If you look at pre adolescent children, they are at a stage in their development where they want to get everything right. They are in school, and focused on doing their sums and their art and in doing that, they become very industrious. If they start finding that they don’t live up to expectations, they start to get feelings of guilt.

The most important thing, stresses Enda, is that no matter what age or stage your child is at, their worries are real.

“Parents have a tendency to invalidate the child’s experience. For example, they might say ‘there’s nothing to be worried about’ when there in fact is a source of anxiety there. A child who is being invalidated will start to mistrust their own reactions to events, which causes a whole heap of problems. Don’t dismiss their concerns. Their anxiety about starting school is virtually identical to your concerns when you start a new job.”

Eddie Murphy says that for younger children, taking away other potential stressors in the first weeks of school is key. “If at all possible, try and avoid ‘after-school’ clubs or babysitters during the first week back at school. Your child will no doubt feel tired, excited or even nervous during the first week back, so straight home after school will help to alleviate any anxiety.”

Time and patience, say both experts is the most important thing when it comes to dealing with anxiety, along with a team of sensitive teachers on hand to deal with children who are finding the transition difficult.

For Matthew, the breakthrough came when his Junior Infants teacher suggested that he make a corner of the classroom into his nap zone. This safe space, made up of two chairs and a blanket, was a place that he could retreat to during the first few weeks when he felt overwhelmed or as he put it, a little bit sad.

In an ideal world, Enda Murphy would advocate an orientation period for students starting school, similar to one that you embark on when you start a new job. It makes sense, he says. “If you start a new job you have an extended period where you learn the ropes and get to know the environment. We expect children to go into a classroom for the first time, open their books and just get on with it - why is there no period of adjustment for children?”

As the first school bell approaches, our experts say that time and patience are the greatest gifts we can give our young charges as they head off on their school experience. “Adjustment can take weeks, and for some it can take months,” cautions Enda Murphy.

“Normalise the experience, taking one day at a time. Concentrate on getting the bum onto the seat and asking the child ‘what is your mind telling you?’ Then you can deal with the social anxiety and the panicky feelings that the child may have.” For children starting primary school, there is one thing that a teacher must do to underpin a secure and happy environment, according to the Raggy Doll advocate: “The skill in Junior infants as I believe it, is to send them home with a smile on their face until Christmas at least.”

This article was first published in August 2018