Workplace Wellbeing: How to get over that people-pleasing urge

Fear is often the driving force behind being a people pleaser. But it can lead to exhaustion and burnout. Better to learn how to stand up for yourself and get your needs met 

People pleasing is not the same as being kind, thoughtful, and attentive, says organisational psychologist Leisha Redmond McGrath. “There are times in life when it’s natural, normal, and even expected that we would put others’ needs ahead of our own.

LINDSAY Brady hit the point of burnout three years ago. The 43-year-old, from Castleknock, Dublin, had risen through the ranks of the corporate world to become a global director at LinkedIn, but was unhappy.

“I had a great job, running teams around the world, but I’d lost my sense of identity,” Brady says. “I didn’t know who I was, what I enjoyed, or what I believed in anymore. Looking back, I think it was connected to people pleasing.”

Brady left her job and took time out, before requalifying as a coach at thebiglifeproject.ie. Studying for that new role required lots of self-reflection, and that’s when she realised she was a people pleaser.

Brady describes herself as “playing small, trying to stay in the shadows, going along with the group, and trying not to ruffle any feathers. I was desperate to avoid conflict, struggled to say no, and took on more and more work.”

That didn’t hinder her career. In fact, her managers appreciated her hard work and self-sacrifice.

But it took a toll on her health. “I became very unwell,” she says. “I had no energy and lost all passion for my work. I no longer spent time on things I wanted to do or things that were aligned with my values, and felt so far away from myself. That’s why I decided to leave.”

People pleasing is not the same as being kind, thoughtful, and attentive, says organisational psychologist Leisha Redmond McGrath. “There are times in life when it’s natural, normal, and even expected that we would put others’ needs ahead of our own.

“However, it becomes problematic when we constantly worry about how we can best present ourselves to maximise the chances that others will think well of us. There’s a huge cognitive load involved in that sort of behaviour. It’s exhausting.”

Hailey Magee, the American author of Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power, says we need to look at our motivation to understand our behaviour. 

Hailey Magee, the American author of Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power, says we need to look at our motivation to understand our behaviour. 

“When we act from a place of kindness, we want to do what we are doing. It comes from a place of goodwill. But people-pleasing is fear-based. It makes us do things we don’t want to do in order to feel a sense of social safety, to make others like us, so that we can believe we belong and fit in. The fact that it drives us to do things even when we don’t want to do them is why people pleasing can often make us feel resentful.”

People-pleasing shows up in the workplace in various ways. Redmond McGrath lists letting others speak over you in meetings or take credit for your work, feeling unable to say no to additional work, and working overtime and shying away from conflict for fear of confrontation as some of the behaviours it inspires.

“These behaviours can take a huge toll on us,” she says, citing a 2025 Chinese study, which associated people-pleasing with lower levels of mental health.

“This is because when we say ‘yes’ to others, we often say ‘no’ to ourselves. We don’t give ourselves the chance to work on our own goals or development.

“Taking on too much work can lead to overwhelm and burnout and may not even result in professional gains, especially if people see us as doormats who are willing to work hard for no real recognition.”

Advocating for yourself

Women may be more likely to have people-pleasing tendencies than men.

Redmond McGrath cites a 2022 US YouGov survey of 1,000 people, which found that among the 49% who identified as people pleasers, 56% were women and 42% were men.

“This gender divide isn’t surprising when you consider that from childhood, women are socialised to put the needs of others first,” she says.

However, no matter how ingrained it is, the people-pleasing pattern can be broken. Magee, who is a reformed people pleaser, recommends that we reconnect with ourselves.

“We have to find out who we are and what we need,” she says. “We won’t be able to advocate for ourselves if we don’t know what we are advocating for.”

Reconnecting involves spending time intentionally getting in touch with our needs and feelings. “Pay attention to the body first,” says Magee.

“If it’s cold, put on a sweater. If you need to pee, go to the bathroom, rather than waiting. It sounds simple, but it’s part of learning to put yourself first.”

The next step is exploring our emotions. Magee says that people-pleasers can find this hard.

 “They have turned the spotlight of their attention away from themselves and towards others for so long that they are often able to tell you what everyone else in the room is feeling, while struggling to name their own emotions,” she says.

Once we’re aware of our needs and feelings, we’re more likely to notice when we disregard them for the sake of others. 

Redmond McGrath believes that “noticing is a good thing. It gives us the opportunity to stop and reflect on what we’re going to do about it.”

That moment of pause is a crucial one. It’s when we realise a boundary has to be set.

Lindsay Brady: “I had no energy and lost all passion for my work. I no longer spent time on things I wanted to do or things that were aligned with my values, and felt so far away from myself. That’s why I decided to leave.”

In Magee’s experience, it’s also a moment that can trigger a sense of fear. She found that having a rehearsed script helped her to overcome it. 

She would write out a few short sentences on her phone, practice saying them in front of her bathroom mirror, and then force herself to say them whenever she needed to assert herself.

“Things like, ‘I can’t meet that deadline as my time is already allocated’ were excruciatingly uncomfortable to say, at first, but got easier over time,” she says. “My nervous system slowly learned that I didn’t have to people-please to stay safe.”

Her life improved as a result. She no longer felt resentful or overwhelmed, and this motivated her to question and resist her people-pleasing tendencies.

Redmond McGrath adds that if we have a colleague or manager we trust, sharing our struggles with them can help. “Having someone to give us support and feedback can be really beneficial,” she says. 

“They can back us up in certain situations, point out when we’re at risk of slipping back in to old behavioural patterns, and cheer us on when we stand up for ourselves.”

What most helped Brady stop people-pleasing was realising that “nobody really cares what you say or do, because they are all just thinking about themselves. When I understood that, I understood the pointlessness of people-pleasing.”

That is not to say that she immediately found asserting herself easy.

 She started small, by clearly expressing what she wanted, in what she describes as “low-stakes situations, such as shops and restaurants. What might have looked like nothing to someone else was actually an amazing achievement for me and allowed me to build my confidence over time.”

She is grateful to have finally come to terms with her tendency to people-please. “There’s a story that gets told of people on their deathbeds regretting the fact they didn’t live a life that was true to themselves,” she says.

“My people-pleasing meant I didn’t live authentically for a long time. That’s not true now that I’m more in touch with, and able to stand up for, my own wants and needs, feelings and values.”