Workplace Wellbeing: Advice on returning to work after a bereavement

There are 100 deaths a day in Ireland, and their loved-ones carry their pain into the workplace, so employers need to be more compassionate

Fri, 13 Dec, 2024 - 02:00

Sharon Ní Chonchúir

Death is inevitable. We all lose people we love and that loss affects how we live. Yet, our workplaces often lack the understanding and resources to support us through our grief.

Rachel Gotto helps people through their loss. The 55-year-old crisis coach and clinical hypnotherapist, from Galway, contrasts our response to grief with our response to a broken limb.

“A broken leg is easy to understand and respond to with compassion,” Gotto says. “But grief is often invisible, which makes it more challenging to respond to, which can lead to inaction and leave the bereaved person feeling isolated and unsupported.”

Gotto is no stranger to loss, as she outlines in her memoir, Flying on the Inside.

She cared for her brother Dominic when he was dying of cancer. “He died aged 28, when I was 26, and left me feeling guilty for being alive when he wasn’t and grieving for the life that had so cruelly been taken away,” she says.

Gotto married a year later, and she and her husband, Nic, were soon expecting a baby. But eight months in to their marriage, Nic died in an accident, and Gotto’s world shattered once more.

“Once my daughter, Nicola, was born, her routine became my life,” she says. “I moved from minute to minute, hour to hour, and day to day.” When Nicola was four, Gotto noticed she had difficulty using her left hand. Tests revealed she had a brain tumour, and surgery to remove it left her temporarily paralysed on her left side.

“Coming to terms with all that trauma was intense,” she says.

“I needed professional support to make sense of it all, but healing does happen. Many years later, I reached a point where my experiences equipped me with a unique skill and need to give back.” Gotto now helps clients return to work following loss.

“These people often feel at odds with everyone, because their world has stopped, while everyone else’s continues to turn,” Gotto says. “It’s debilitating and isolating, yet they are expected to continue performing professionally.

“I stumbled my way through grief, but I don’t want others to feel the same lack of support that I need.”

Grief-awareness training Amy Gibney is the national grief-in-the-workplace co-ordinator with the Irish Hospice Foundation (IHF). One of the IHF’s goals is to ensure people grieve well, and Gibney’s role is to deliver programmes for the workplace.

“There are up to 100 deaths in Ireland every day and each impacts about 10 people,” Gibney says.

"That’s a lot of people who are adjusting to life without loved ones, and if they are of working age, they spend a significant proportion of their time at work. How their workplace responds to their grief is crucial."

Not all workplaces respond well. A 2018 IHF survey found that 25% of those who experienced bereavement weren’t satisfied with the support they received from their employer.

Managing director of The HR Suite, Caroline Reidy, understands why employers might struggle to know what to say or do following a bereavement: “Many of us feel uncomfortable around death and fear saying the wrong thing. We worry about overstepping personal boundaries and may not know if the grieving person wants to talk or would prefer privacy.”

She believes companies should have bereavement policies and offer grief-awareness training.

“A bereavement policy is helpful, because it defines employee entitlements and supports following the death of a loved one,” says Reidy.

Grief-awareness training teaches us what we can all do to help those who have experienced loss. One lesson is that everyone grieves differently. Some will be open in sharing their emotions, while others will be private.

Another is that grief doesn’t have an end date. Gibney says: “It’s a misconception that we all go through five stages, and then we’re done. But grief isn’t linear. It’s messy and unpredictable and can come in waves. It can be triggered by Christmas, an anniversary, or having a dream about the person during the night. Anything can bring up the sadness and yearning all over again.”

We can also be grief-stricken over many life events, not just the death of a loved one: Fertility struggles, the loss of a home, or the death of a pet can affect people just as deeply.

Gibney advises employers and managers to acknowledge, validate, and support employees: “Acknowledging their loss shows you care about them as human beings.”

Validating involves careful and considerate listening.

“It’s easy to fall in to the trap of trying to provide a solution, but grief can’t be fixed,” she says. “People are just sad, and listening to them as they share their sadness can help.” For many, this is all the support they need. However, others may require that reasonable adjustments be made on their return to the workplace.

“Adjusted hours or remote-work options can help them to manage their personal affairs and ease their transition back,” says Reidy.

A staggered return Gibney points out that some people might be unable to take on their previous workload, or the type of work they did.

Take healthcare workers, for example. Dealing with death might be emotional overload for them, when they come back from bereavement, so a change of duties could be helpful in the short term.

There can also be a health and safety element to consider. Gibney says: “Employers have to protect their employee’s welfare, especially in high-risk jobs. After a bereavement, they may not be able to concentrate or perform to the same level for a while and this needs to be discussed before they return to work.”

However, she emphasises that these adjustments need to be agreed with the employee: “Everyone is different, and some may want the distraction of returning to their old routine.”

“We recommend that managers have a conversation with the person before they return to work to establish how they are feeling and then check in regularly after that. This will help build an open and compassionate culture, where people feel safe disclosing when and if they need help managing their grief.”

It’s not just managers who can support bereaved workers. Their colleagues can, too. “They can share workloads or help with tasks,” says Reidy.

They can provide a listening ear or offer kind words. There are lots of practical, emotional, and social, ways they can contribute to the bereaved person’s ability to copeand re-engage with professional life.

The key to doing so is responding to cues.

“People don’t necessarily want to be fussed over, and it can be overwhelming if everyone offers their condolences all at once,” says Gibney.

“Find the appropriate time to show your kindness and remember that it’s the long term that people need support. Inviting someone for a coffee or a walk at lunchtime, or things like remembering the first- and second-year anniversary, all make a big difference.”

This chimes with Gotto’s experience.

“When we are suffering, it can feel comforting for someone to remain present and simply listen. Often, what we need most is to feel heard.”

It’s what helped her to become the person she is today, someone who has grown as a result of experiencing grief. “Over time and with the right support, I have been able to find new meaning in life,” she says.

“I wouldn’t be the professional I am today without the unique insights and understanding that surfaced from navigating such significant challenges.”