The Fabulous Pharmacist: Why we need to talk about sex and women's libido

Our new guest columnist Laura Dowling, aka the Fabulous Pharmacist, gets real about libido, women’s sexual health and why having someone else load the dishwasher can sometimes be the biggest turn-on of all

Laura Dowling says generations of women could not discuss sexual health. Picture: Moya Nolan

We need to have an open conversation and education when it comes to our sexual desires. But talking about sex hasn’t been synonymous with our society historically.

Women’s sexual desire naturally fluctuates over the years. Its highs and lows can often coincide with major life changes, but the main issue is we don’t talk enough about sexual health, vaginal problems, pleasure and desire. And we certainly don’t talk about them in a holistic way. We need an overall picture when it comes to things like how mental health, the fallout from menopause, pharmaceutical aids, and support with housework are related to the desire to have sex.

Name without shame

Huge shame still exists around the female anatomy and sexual desire. When it comes to women’s libido, we are not being given the proper vocabulary for our anatomy. Take the word vulva. It’s the correct name for our sexual organs, yet we often mistakenly call it the vagina, which is the birth canal only.

This means if there’s an issue with our anatomy, without the correct terminology, we find it difficult to articulate the problem.

Whether it’s side effects from menopause, incontinence or problems with libido, dismissing it as something going on ‘down there’ or ‘with our bits’ can minimise not only the problem but the importance of finding solutions.

Laura Dowling: When it comes to women’s libido, we are not being given the proper vocabulary for our anatomy. Picture: Moya Nolan

It makes sense that the libido and vaginal dryness are interconnected. Someone experiencing the discomfort of vaginal dryness is not going to feel like having sex. If a woman doesn’t look after her vaginal health, and if she’s experiencing issues related to the drop in estrogen levels because of menopause, it feeds into a lack of sexual drive. That, in turn, can have implications for self-confidence and relationships.

A lot of the reluctance to talk about libido stems from how we were brought up. In school, I was taught that sex is for reproduction. Pleasure was never spoken about. Sex was something that was ‘done’ to a woman. There was nothing about how a woman can initiate or enjoy it and how it can be such a lovely part of an intimate relationship. From the get-go, experiencing desire seemed to go hand in hand with shame and secrecy.

Imagine what it was like for our mothers and grandmothers who had little or no opportunity to discuss their sexual health.

Talking dirty (dishes)

Of course, your libido does not exist in isolation. If you are tired because you are working all day to earn a living, you’ve to come home and cook dinner for five people, then clear up and do the laundry. You don’t have time to scratch before you fall into bed exhausted, and the last thing on your mind is going to be your sex drive.

I hear this all the time: that women are doing so much in the home, along with holding down a job, and getting little or no help when it comes to all the extra tasks like cleaning, minding, wiping bums… So, where is the space for your sexual desire?

Laura Dowling: There’s nothing better to get a woman in the mood for sex than her partner emptying the dishwasher without being asked. Photograph Moya Nolan

Women need to have time to themselves, exercise, get out of the house, and pursue their passions and interests. If they are constantly exhausted from life’s grind, it makes sense that sexual desire is going to be one of the first things to suffer.

So ask for help at home.

There’s nothing better to get a woman in the mood for sex than her partner emptying the dishwasher without being asked.

Good for your head

We need to celebrate the significant benefits of orgasms. They release endorphins, making sex a mood elevator.

Sex and orgasms can help you sleep better and reduce stress levels. Often, the more sex you are having indicates how your relationship is flourishing or how you are enjoying yourself. This, in turn, can help you feel closer to your partner, supported, happier and able to connect better.

Laura Dowling: Orgasms release endorphins, making sex a mood elevator. Picture: Moya Nolan

I also want to speak to those people for whom sex isn’t an option. Perhaps they don’t have a partner or may not have the desire or ability to have sex due to illness or physical issues. You don’t necessarily have to have a partner to have an orgasm. There are many other things you can do, including using lubricants and experimenting with sex toys.

Sex means different things to different people.

Helping hand

Men have issues with libido and erectile dysfunction, too. But it’s more accepted in society that they want to have sex and a lot of it. Viagra is available over the counter, so men can get erections even if they have issues with their libido.

Vagifem is a hormonal replacement therapy for women, which treats vaginal issues such as dryness, loss of moisture, and even reoccurring infections, but it’s also an excellent aid when it comes to sexual pleasure. It’s available on prescription only, and it can be a first step in getting back into the saddle, so to speak.

Viagra does one thing – it makes men erect. But Vagifem plumps up the vagina, making it less uncomfortable for women to have sex. It can also reduce the incidence of UTIs in women over a certain age when their estrogen levels drop, and it also helps with incontinence issues.

Women aren’t being told about what supports are available. The issue again is education. Let’s open up this conversation so we can maximise and prioritise all elements of our health, including - shout it!- sexual desire.

• In conversation with Amanda Cassidy