'We knew we’d rely on each other': Memoir gives searingly honest account of infertility journey
Niamh Holleran-McGing: Undergoing four IVF cycles was “like having PMS for years”. Picture: Ray Ryan
Whenever Niamh Holleran-McGing was going through IVF, and the embryo was about to be transferred into her uterus, she would look at the image on the scan and picture a child 10 years down the road.
“In that split second, everything goes through your mind — you have all these milestones hit with this little embryo,” says the author of the just-published book, .
Her searingly honest memoir, which details the ups and downs of the fertility journey she and husband Tommy navigated, has given their much-loved embryos “their place in the world”, says the 44-year-old from Clonbur, Co Galway.
“It has given them a life that Tommy and I were unable to give them, or that they were not strong enough to hold onto.”
doesn’t hold back on the tough bits of any journey through fertility treatment — four IVF cycles that were “like having PMS for years”, Tommy getting mumps just before they embarked on their third cycle (already with a low sperm count, this “further reduced his sperm motility”), the day when there was just one embryo to transfer, which Niamh recalls as particularly hard.
“The embryo wasn’t a good grade but it was still hanging on. [Doctors] felt if they [waited for] it to grow, it wouldn’t — but it might in its natural environment. But I could feel it was going to be put into me only to leave me, time would pass and it would be gone.”
But, for all this, the book is a happy one, largely — though not only — because Niamh, who trained as a nurse, and Tommy, a pilot, got their happy ending. Their son, Scott, is 15 now, born as a result of their second IVF procedure.
Recalling the night of his birth, Niamh writes: ‘I hardly slept the whole night; I could only watch him in awe. I promised him I would walk through fire for him. No one prepares you for the unconditional love you have for your child… the love was so much more than I could explain.’
The book’s happy, hopeful spirit is also because it is brimful of love.
Their love story started early, as teenage sweethearts during their secondary schooldays in Ballinrobe. Married in their early 20s, anybody would have been forgiven for thinking children would come quickly and easily. But Niamh had never assumed a straightforward path to parenthood.
At 18, she had experienced recurring ovarian cysts. And her mother, Mary, had suffered two miscarriages and lost a third child, born prematurely.
“I never just assumed I’d have children. In my speech at our wedding, I said ‘If Tommy and I are lucky enough to have children’.”
From when the couple learned of Tommy’s low sperm count, it was always a shared issue, Niamh explains.
“We always saw it as an ‘us’ issue, rather than a one-person problem. Tommy and I were lucky — we knew each other from when we were kids, we grew up together, we were each other’s best friend.
"When we realised we had a journey to go with fertility, we knew we needed to be each other’s back-up, each other’s backbone, our chance for humour — we knew we’d rely on each other.”
This close, united love saw them through when Niamh’s faith had her questioning whether IVF was the right route for them.
“I wanted to do IVF, but I wanted to be ok with it. Tommy said whatever I wanted, he would be with me.”
It saw them through when they were told — ahead of their final two IVF cycles — that sperm donation would give them a better chance of success. Instinctively, Niamh didn’t want to opt for this.
“I felt it would have been a double hit for Tommy and I didn’t want that.”
In opting for two more IVF procedures after Scott was born, the thought of a sibling for their little boy was uppermost in their minds.
Niamh writes: ‘Thinking about years to come when… Scott is left in the world alone… a sibling is someone who stands beside you... representing your own family, your own tiny space on earth.’
After these cycles failed, the couple reached a place where they were ready to let go.
“We just needed someone to tell us we had done our best,” says Niamh, recalling their doctor’s words.
“He said ‘You have a beautiful son, he’s the world to you’. We knew then we had our gift and we were happy to close that chapter in our lives.”
Niamh has given the last word in her memoir to Scott, who wrote the epilogue. He describes the ‘incredible’ respect he has for his parents, for what they had to go through.
‘And for their will to keep trying with IVF after being unsuccessful at first, because otherwise I wouldn’t be alive... I feel very lucky to be here… I see my life as a huge opportunity because the chances of being born were so low.’
Seeing their son is hugely inspiring, says Niamh.
“The best thing we ever did was to have Scott. Our happy ending will always be him.”
- The Journey to You, published by Mayo Books Press, in bookshops and online via mayobooks.ie
- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.
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