Talk To Me: My daughter is distressed over her dad’s new baby

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

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My partner and I split up six years ago. It was a traumatic experience. We managed to work things out and our 14-year-old daughter now spends every second weekend with him. She was happy to stay with him until his girlfriend moved into the house. They had a baby two months ago and she’s now refusing to visit her father, saying he’s only interested in his girlfriend and the new baby. It’s a big change from the days when she was the apple of his eye. I’m not sure what I can do to support her.

The breakdown of a relationship can be a difficult experience, and when a child is involved, it can be even more so. You and your ex-partner have successfully navigated that fraught space and your daughter benefitted, enjoying a loving relationship with you both. The family dynamic is going through another evolution and while there are new challenges, you both have built helpful routines that will support your daughter.

When our predictable world is disrupted, we can feel as though we are in danger, and we can react from a place of fear. This is a significant change in your daughter’s life and, understandably, it has impacted her sense of safety. Your daughter may fear her relationship with her father is threatened, that his love for her is in doubt and she may no longer feel lovable. It is critical you provide a safe harbour for her during this period of adjustment.

But first, you may benefit from exploring how you feel about your ex-partner’s girlfriend and their new baby. Your daughter will likely be observing your response carefully. Give some space for your own response to surface, acknowledge it and, if necessary, talk it through with someone you trust and feel safe with. You may discover there is some residual healing to be done. This is a crucial first step, akin to putting on your oxygen mask first as they instruct on an airplane.

Once you confidently come from your safe and calm place, you can acknowledge your daughter’s fears and tricky feelings. Reassure her that you are there to support her. Encourage her to identify where she is sensing a reaction to this new reality in her body. For example, is it in her tummy, chest, throat, or head? This approach will help you choose how to support her effectively. Asking how she is physically responding also increases her self-awareness, building an understanding of how she experiences stress.

We often jump too quickly to wanting to talk about things when it might be necessary to do breathing exercises, yoga stretches, walk or doodle first. Giving your child time with you is a true gift to explore which activities work best for her in stressful situations.

You can then move on to understanding the range of feelings. There are no ‘bad feelings’ but some are trickier for us to tolerate, sometimes because they cause intense internal anguish (such as grief), other times because society has told us they are bad and should be hidden (such as resentment). It can be difficult for children to manage these difficult feelings on their own and they can feel a sense of shame as a result. For these uncomfortable feelings to be acknowledged and accepted as normal, it may be necessary to help your daughter name them.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

By sitting with your daughter and teasing out whether her anger is closer to feeling betrayed, jealous or sceptical, you are creating space for her to experience your empathy. When she feels your support and nonjudgment of these tricky feelings, she is more likely to begin to consider other possibilities too. Perhaps there is some sadness, which may be related to feeling vulnerable or hurt. A helpful prop is a ‘feelings wheel’ — there are many images online that you can print off to aid this conversation. When we can more accurately name our feelings, we begin to find them more tolerable, or as psychiatrist Dr Dan Siegel suggests, we ‘name it to tame it.’

Include your daughter’s dad in these conversations to provide additional support and understanding if possible. It is crucial you both give your daughter time to gradually adjust to this new dynamic with his girlfriend and new arrival and not overburden her with a sense of responsibility as the older sibling. Stability and routine can be comforting for children, so maintaining the agreed co-parenting arrangements is the goal. However, it will be important that when staying with her dad, she enjoys some special one-to-one time separate from the baby. Doing meaningful activities together will reassure your daughter that she is still loved and cherished.

As your daughter realises she does not have to compete with the baby for her father’s love; she can begin to foster her relationship with the new baby. She can start to enjoy the positive aspects of having a sibling. Encourage her to explore this new role as a big sister and consider what strengths she has discovered about herself. Help her build her circle of support with the wider family and trusted adults so that she has many safe harbours to turn to when life requires her to adjust in the future.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline Martin, please send it to [e-mail]