Talk to me: I've three young children and am struggling with my work-life balance 

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life

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My company has asked us to work in the office two days a week. It's lovely to meet my colleagues again, but I'm struggling with my work-life balance. I've three children in primary school, and working from home during Covid allowed me the flexibility to do school pickups and answer their homework questions. My husband has to travel for his job, so he is rarely around to help during the day. The summer holidays haven't helped as they are now home all day. My mother is helping out as a stop-gap, but she's in her late 70s and finds childminding tiring. What would you suggest?

Workin’ Moms is a brilliantly funny Canadian sitcom on Netflix. It captures the complexity of relationships and the inherent expectations of that seemingly innocuous phrase, 'working mum'. However, as the pandemic unfolded, the writers of the series decided to “fast forward” through the pandemic. The reason for this is interesting: they figured nobody wanted that much reality.

Real life is messy and I am not sure phrases such as work/life balance are helpful. The well-worn phrase implies that we can make 'simple' choices (usually resulting in a personal sacrifice) to achieve an equal weight distribution between work and home. This is nonsense and only serves to maintain a very particular status quo. With an increasing number of women entering the workforce and the painstakingly slow change of distribution of 'home-based' roles, it is no wonder so many find themselves in your position.

At first read, your situation may imply difficulty in juggling kids and your work, when in reality this is about the many roles you hold as mother, daughter, wife, employee and colleague. Not only do each of these come with competing expectations, but they also ignore your responsibility to yourself. There are also 'hidden' expectations from your children’s school, your husband’s employer and your extended family. While the expectations we create with each other are sometimes quite clear, they can become vague over time. This can happen in the workplace when initial contracts are interpreted differently by different managers or colleagues. However, we seldom have concrete contracts at home or with friends, yet these relationships can come with a slew of expectations. Novelist Anne Lamott puts it perfectly when she describes expectations as 'resentments waiting to happen'. Conversations that make some of these expectations explicit are important if we want to achieve work-life harmony.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

So instead of trying to be the one-person-band street performer, I suggest it is time to consider the orchestra and the role of conductor. There will be times when you will need parts of your orchestra to dominate while other parts play a support role and vice versa. Sometimes, parenting takes the lead and work takes a back seat. Other times, a spouse takes the lead and children play a support role. There may also be times when you will need to convey clear messaging or be still. It is up to you to ensure each key person knows what you need from them. Equally, it is important for you to know the potential contribution of each 'musician' and each section of your 'orchestra'.

Child psychotherapist Donald Winnicott introduced the phrase 'good enough mother' to describe the crucial sweet spot of being a parent to your children. This is a useful construct in all relationships. If you find yourself over-extending, you may be disabling the other person from stretching into their area of growth. For people to develop, we must allow for a tolerable stress level.

If we want our workplaces to grow and stretch into spaces that are more accommodating of not only mothers but all employees, we must begin talking to each other about how that can happen. In this instance, if your workplace has successfully managed the transition to working from home, it is likely managers can accommodate delaying the hybrid model for you until your children are settled back in school. However, if you have been putting your professional ambitions on the back burner, it might be time to let your husband stretch into his parenting role. Has it been assumed he is still as passionate about his professional role as he has always been? For so many of us in our 20s, we follow our passions and pursue them in the workplace. However, as we get older, our sense of purpose can change, which can be associated with the arrival of children.

'It takes a village to raise a child', is a well-known and oft-quoted proverb for a reason. It is true that our children need many positive interactions with many diverse people. Each person in our children's world offers opportunities to establish who they are and develop their potential. Do not be afraid to call on other parents. Like the mums’ friendships in the Netflix sitcom, this network can become a source of comfort and fun for you to enjoy.

Your children are fortunate to have access to a grandparent. As our children and parents get older, their relationships change and adapt. While I acknowledge your concern about your mum’s energy levels, I would suggest you prompt your kids to tune into her and watch them adjust. Your children and your mum have their own harmony to dance to, so try not to make too many assumptions. Instead, use your conductor’s baton with discretion. Then sit back, be still and enjoy the hum.

Take good care.

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