One autistic woman describes her experience competing to be the Dublin Rose
Caoilinn Handley: entered the Dublin Rose of Tralee selection to help create representation for neurodivergent people at the event
As the conversation around neurodivergence has picked up in recent times, there’s a general mood around its communities that the conversation needs to begin shifting away from awareness, and on to acceptance - moving toward a more pluralistic society that provides a wide array of social and sensory accommodations for autism, ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia and other neurological differences.
Seeing neurodivergent people visibly occupying a variety of roles in society - and expressing their authentic selves and their perspectives in the process - is a goal many people in the neurodivergent community share. One such person is Dublin film-maker and activist Caoilinn Handley, whose relationship to her autism changed when she saw her experience represented on-screen.
“My autism story is kind of an unusual one. I actually figured out I was autistic at the age of 12. But, and then this is one of the reasons why I'm so open about it now, what I saw on the media at the time, and what I understood it to be, was that it was a terrible thing - I was so scared of it and I hated myself for it. I just kind of denied it, and never told anyone, just pushed it deep down.
“Then, when I was 21, I saw a character portrayed as dyspraxic in a TV show, and I recognised myself in that, and that was the first "lightbulb moment" of dipping my toe into being neurodivergent. I did my research, realised I was dyspraxic, and got a diagnosis of severe dyspraxia, then that opened things up again, the occupational therapist was also like, 'you should get assessed for Irlen's syndrome', a light processing disorder that it turned out I have as well. You'll see some photos of me and I’ll be wearing purple glasses - they're not sunglasses, they're actually Irlen lenses, they help my brain interpret the light better, which means I don't get headaches and fatigue.
“Two years later, when I was 23, and just before the pandemic started, I had to accept that I was autistic and needed help, so I went to get diagnosed. It was a long process - three days over a couple of months. When I finally went back and got told, 'you are autistic', I did cry, and I'm not a crier, usually. So many emotions. I was so scared that I wasn't autistic, and I'd just made all these things up. So to get the confirmation was such a huge relief, but then I was also so upset, because if I had known when I was a kid, maybe things could have been so much more different.”
Having a lifelong affinity for film, Caoilinn ventured into the medium, and learned to communicate and express ideas for an audience - providing an outlet for creativity and leading to a career in the arts, graduating from IADT, and working first as a freelancer, before taking her current role with MK1 Studios in Dublin - working with Julie Ryan, producer of The Young Offenders.
“It's something I've always loved. I always wanted to work in the arts, since I was two. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd have said 'an artist', and that's still the same, 20-odd years later. I settled on filmmaking when I was 12, I started making my own terrible films, and then I went to college, I went to IADT for Film and Television Production. I was there for four years, and that was brilliant, but I only had the dyspraxia diagnosis in my final year, which did help. I think things would have been different if I'd had my [autism] diagnosis, because there's a lot of communication issues I had there and social issues.
“[Julie Ryan and I] started working together when I only had the dyspraxia diagnosis, and we worked out our own language, and she's happy for me to ask 'are you being sarcastic, or do you want me to actually do the thing?'. She's quite accommodating in that way and we figure out how to do things that work best for both of us, and not necessarily what the tradition is, which is great.
“I started bringing fidget toys to work, and if I'm at my desk, I have a fishbowl of fidgets, and anybody that comes in can take a fidget and have a seat, and let's talk. If I'm on set, I'll have a Ziploc bag. People are a bit weird about it at first, but then they try it out, and they find the one that works for them, they're like, 'oh, God, this is actually really good', and it is. I actually end up buying some and gifting them to people because they get so much benefit."
Reflecting on the topic of representation of autistic people in Irish society, Caoilinn decided to seek sponsorship to enter the Dublin selection process for the 2022 Rose of Tralee contest - interacting with an event that, for better or worse in changing times, is a cornerstone of the Irish mainstream.
She talks about working with Dublin-based autism charity Aspire Ireland as a sash sponsor, and how her connections to the charity cross over with her mission statement as an activist.
“My whole reasoning for entering was to represent autistics and to be that representation - that was my goal going in. I wanted it to be related to autism to start that conversation, I didn't want it to be just a random business.
“I had actually worked with Aspire, because they're an autism charity. They also have an autistic-led film production company, Aspire Productions. We're running a programme, at pilot stage at the moment, with the company I currently work for to try and create this program to get autistic filmmakers out on work experience with us. A lot of the time, we just struggle to get hired, struggle to get that experience, and it was really important for me to give them the opportunities, but also in a supportive environment where they know that at least one person will understand what their challenges and barriers are, and we can try and preempt those going into it.
“I also have been running a research study the past few months, so they've been helping me with that. And they're really interested in those results. It was funded by the Arts Council, research into what the disabled and divergent cast and crew face in this industry, and what we can do to change it.”
Whether it’s addressing a crowd, or performing a party piece, getting on stage for the Rose selection process is, to put it simply, a unique experience - but negotiating and navigating a spectacle of its nature on the night presented Caoilinn with a number of challenges.
“The doors opened at 7pm, and the show started at 7.30pm at night, but we were there from 2pm, that afternoon, which was a long day. When we got there, we had to rehearse any of those party pieces, which I didn't do. The winner actually did science experiments, someone else did a TikTok dance, that kind of thing. So they had to practice that on stage, and the rest of us just had to practice walking and sitting," she laughs.
"It took ten minutes to figure out how to get everybody on and around the stage, and I had to [ask] them to put marks down on stage, because it changed so much, the girls couldn't remember exactly where they'd need to stand on the night.
“When we arrived at 2pm, there were two pitchers of water for 30-plus girls, so we were going over and back to the bar to get hydrated. We had to be at hair and makeup for 5.45pm, fully dressed, and ready to go, and we were taken outside to get our pics taken. It didn't help because the sun was so bright - it was so painful for me in particular, I have the light condition, and my eyes are on the verge of streaming.
“We weren't told what the lighting was going to be like, or the sound, and when the show started, the lights were incredibly bright LED lights. There's a ton of them, and at the start of each half, they had the lights flashing really brightly, and there was no warning. For sensory issues and Irlen syndrome, that was horrible for me. Me and the girls held up our hands, shielding our eyes, it was just so bright and intense. Because I was accommodating myself, I brought my earplugs, you know, I brought my own food that I could eat, and even the dress and stuff I chose to wear, I chose to wear something that was comfortable, in a nice material that wouldn't set me off.”
Though the Rose of Tralee comes in for criticism in this day and age (the Lovely Girls Contest comparison is often evoked when the contest is discussed), Caoilinn went into the experience with an open mind - and found herself surprised by the group dynamic with other contenders while out on social excursions.
“The relationship with the girls, the other contestants, was actually really nice. I was in a Catholic school for 14 years, and I live in Dublin, so it's hard to get a mixed school. Catholic school, all girls, and secondary school in particular, for the whole six years, I was bullied really, really badly.
“So to be put into this all-female environment, with girls I'd never met before, I was really worried how that would go, and it was actually really cathartic in a way because they were so kind and welcoming. I was more confident in myself and who I was, so it was just a nice, fresh start. I really enjoyed that, and I will be keeping in touch with a number of the girls after this, we got on very well. So that was really nice, and then talking to them about being autistic, opening up their eyes, was wonderful”.
Sharing her experience across her social media as well as online groups she frequents allowed Caoilinn to discuss her perspective on the event, as well as show others that easy stereotypes of neurodivergent people are often far from reality.
“Throughout the journey, I've posted about the experience on Instagram. From that, I've gotten such great support, and even Saturday night, just before we went on stage, I got a message from one of my followers saying, 'I'm being assessed for autism in August, because of what I've learned from your page’, which is wonderful.
“That's happened a few times now, that I've gotten messages from people saying, 'because of learning from your page, I've now figured out I'm autistic and I'm going for an assessment', or 'I can now talk to my family and friends about this', and that's made it all worth it.”
While she didn’t advance to the Rose itself, it was important for Caoilinn to be in the mix in terms of representation and doing her individual bit to aid changing perspectives on neurodivergence.
But that spirit of change extends to her wider body of creative and social media work, and the next step is to work on creating opportunities for other neurodivergent filmmakers to begin their own creative journeys - and to allow them to express the autistic experience on-screen, on their terms.
“The biggest takeaway was how powerful that little bit of representation can be - but to get confirmation in the messages and comments, it was like 'I've got to keep going'. I will be continuing to post about being autistic and my experiences, I'll continue to be vocal about it. I'm also going to hopefully get funding and start making my own films about autism, and other neurological differences and disabilities, and just get it out there.
“Me and my friends, we're actually looking to set up our own production company that specifically focuses on diverse film, and our whole ethos is diverse film in a diverse way. A lot of the time, you have these hot topics, but they're told by people who have no business telling them. They're going to be written by cast and crew who are actually autistic or neurodivergent.
“Also, the way we do it, use the research, and we're going to change up how it's done. Just because the industry has only worked one way doesn't mean it needs to continue that way.”
- For more on Caoilinn Handley’s filmmaking and activism, follow her on Instagram - @speaclai_corcra
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