How to have magnificent sex: 'We need to create new notions of romantic adult sexuality'

To understand the dynamics of successful lovemaking, academics interviewed couples who reported having extraordinary sex. Their findings give us a compelling insight into human relationships

Fri, 21 Jan, 2022 - 06:26

Marjorie Brennan

Certified sex therapist Dr Peggy Kleinplatz has spent much of her career working with clients who have symptoms of sexual dysfunction, such as erectile dysfunction, difficulties with orgasm or pain on intercourse. However, in her role as Professor in the Faculty of Medicine and Director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training at the University of Ottawa, Canada, she is also aware of how the topic of optimal sexual experiences has been marginalised and neglected in the academic study of sexuality. This was something she wanted to address in her new book, Magnificent Sex: Lessons From Extraordinary Lovers, co-written with Dr A. Dana Ménard, which is based on the findings of a groundbreaking in-depth interview study with people who reported having ‘extraordinary’ sex.

The book outlines the eight major components of magnificent sex, from deep sexual and erotic intimacy to being genuine, authentic and transparent.

“There isn’t one most important thing but empathy is certainly the meta-factor that seems most important in bringing about the kind of sex that is worth wanting,” says Kleinplatz.

“When I say empathic communication, I don’t just mean with words, I mean touching, so as to really feel inside the person rather than touching by rote — and allowing one’s self to be felt rather than stiffening and tightening against the other’s touch.”

Sex on show

Kleinplatz highlights how in popular culture we are surrounded by what we are led to believe are images of great sex.

“The media suggest that great sex is all about tips, techniques, tricks and toys — no it is not. It is about coming to know the other person in an intimate way that also becomes erotic. That’s through listening and looking and touching and being seen, being heard, being touched so that two people are emotionally naked together.”

Busting myths

“The myth I find the most toxic in my own therapy practice is that sex should be natural and spontaneous,” says Kleinplatz.

“Everybody says, at least in my office, that in the early phase of their relationship, whenever they saw each other, they melted into each other’s arms effortlessly. That is a carefully calculated illusion. Early on in relationships, when the two people are still living apart, they spend the whole day preparing for an evening together.

"Depending on their generation, they phone, text or email each other to prime the pump, to get each other and themselves in the mood for connecting later. By the time the evening rolls around, they have cleaned their apartments, showered, groomed, thrown away the greying underwear with the fraying elastic and instead put something on that makes them feel attractive, so they feel more desirable to the other person. When they finally see each other, they appear to be naturally and effortlessly falling into each other’s arms, whereas in fact it took all day.

"The problem is that when two people in a long-term relationship finally move in together, you can’t fake spontaneous any more. So we need to create new notions of romantic adult sexuality which include showing one’s effort. It is like grade nine algebra when even though you had the right answer, it didn’t count unless you showed your work. It is time to eliminate ‘sex should be natural and spontaneous’ versus ‘I am so committed to you that I am going to let you see all the effort I put into wanting to be together with you, I am that into you’.”

From conflict to caring

How couples deal with conflicts and stress is very important in terms of their sexual relationship, says Kleinplatz.

“When couples have ongoing conflict, which all couples do, and they don’t deal with it, then it’s always a threat to the ability to really let go together. And so one of the things that we have learned to do in our therapy approach that has been built out of this research is to help couples use conflict to heighten intimacy. When I say heighten intimacy, I mean emotional connection, I don’t mean ‘make-up sex’.

There is no such thing as make-up sex in real life. That exists and looks really hot in the movies.

"In real life, when you have ongoing conflict, the thing to do is to deal with it in the kindest, most caring, most mutually empathic fashion so as to create an opportunity to grow closer together rather than more alienated.”

Being in the moment

According to Kleinplatz, one of the key skills in achieving magnificent sex is centering.

“This was a trend that was very popular in the psychology literature in the 1960s but not since — our team is trying to bring it back. It is the ability to be completely absorbed in your own skin in the moment.

"Some people who have read our work have said, ‘oh, you mean mindfulness'. Not exactly — mindfulness is something people first learn in a mindfulness class or a yoga or meditation class, where the focus is on what’s happening inside themselves. Here, what we are talking about is the ability to be centred within while also fully engaged with another person, that is a very different skill from what is being referred to as mindfulness by some people. We are talking about the capacity to be so present, absorbed and focused within your own experience that you can also afford to be fully engaged simultaneously with another person.

"It is not something therapists typically write about. This is the domain of poets and songwriters, and they are right, they’ve got it.”

Tackling the ‘rut’

As people get older and responsibilities mount, it can be harder to find the time for sex. However, Kleinplatz doesn’t believe in putting sex in the diary.

“One of the things I hear in the media a lot is that people should schedule date night or ‘Netflix and chill’ which is code for planning to have sex — scheduling sex. I don’t think that works. If you want my evidence, the one day each year that I see more miserable couples than any other is February 15. Everybody has so much pressure on them on Valentine’s Day that there is bound to be disappointment. So I don’t think scheduling sex is going to get you very far. When two people have jobs and right now, they are working from home and their kids are also at home, it is a prescription for a total nightmare. So, instead, I would recommend that couples schedule time to connect, so that when they are both feeling sexual, it hasn’t been three months since they last sat down and chatted about what is going on in their lives and in their inner worlds. It is about making sure that the emotional connection between them is still vital and alive.”

Peer pressure

Kleinplatz says she has seen significant issues in her practice arising from social media use and the resulting unrealistic comparisons we make with others.

“On social media — whether it is Insta, Facebook or porn sites — everybody looks perfect, sex always looks easy, there is no pain, there is no preparation involved and there are never any kids to disturb you. None of that helps, it makes my job harder.

"Of the people who have walked into my office in the last five or ten years, more of them feel more defective and ashamed of not being what they ought to be as compared to 20 years ago. People have always had sexual problems, that is nothing new, but the extent to which people feel defective I think has increased by comparison to what they think is everybody else’s experience of reality, which it is not.”