Wellbeing for students is a family affair, advises therapist
Students are advised to take breaks, talk to friends and seek out counselling to protect their wellness.
When CAO decision time approaches, stress levels within households tend to go up. However, as the world is in the middle of a pandemic, stress levels are already high to begin with and parents and therapists everywhere are reporting a massive increase in anxiety levels among young people.
Child and adolescent psychotherapist and trainer, Edel Lawlor sees the effects that the pandemic has had on families in her practice every day, and has helpful insights for parents and their teenagers to help navigate this new transition in family life. It starts with understanding teenagers, learning to listen and self-care.
“We are in a world pandemic which is having an impact on children and families.
Teenagers have missed rituals like parties and their debs, which isn’t just a debs, it’s a transition milestone to leaving home.
They have missed out on so many things that we all took for granted at that age.” Parents, meanwhile, are burnt out, she explains, and their wellness is just as important as that of their children.
It’s not all doom and gloom, however according to Ms Lawlor. Some teenagers have grown to appreciate the little things that they took for granted before, like meeting friends for coffee, while wearing masks and studying on zoom have suited others.
From about the age of 12 until 20 or 21, children enter the teenage tunnel. Parents don’t fit in there and should stay out. It’s a place where young people go through an important developmental phase where they are exploring their own identity, taking risks, and taking notice of all your faults.
During this phase parents can walk along outside the tunnel. There will be chaos inside and times when teenagers regress and come out of the tunnel, but they must go back in. There are other times when they fall down and need to picked up, but other than that, parents need to stand back.
“As parents we must let our teenagers struggle or else we are paralyzing them to cope with any adversity,” explains Ms Lawlor, adding that parents must also be aware if they are trying to fix their own teen experience through their child.
While a teenager is in the tunnel what parents can do is listen to their child and care for themselves, because a lot of parents are burnt out.
“Teenagers watch their parents like hawks and they see how they take care of their mental health. Use this time to go back to the basics of self care and reach for the stars yourself,” says Ms Lawlor.
“Take care of yourself and your teenager by going for a drive and getting a coffee. They might have their ear buds in and not say a word to you, but that’s ok. It’s spending time with them and doing something positive for both of you,” she advises.
“Also, ask yourself what kind of listener are you? Are you an elephant – all ears? Or are you a crocodile? You need to be the listening elephant so they know you’re there” she says.
Teenagers do come out of the tunnel eventually and Ms Lawlor says that one day at around 20 or 21 they will ask you out for a coffee.
“You’ll be looking at them and thinking to yourself ‘Is that you?’ but then you’ll know they’ve made it out the other end.”
Top of the list is to control your use of social media.
Take breaks.
Move, move, move…it helps when you are anxious about making decisions. It gets you out of your head, relieves stress and you’ll feel more relaxed.
Listen to music. The rhythm of music is beneficial to our neural pathways. Also be mindful of the mood of music you’re listening to. If it’s always Adele or something sad all the time it could be bringing you down. Mix it up.
Talk to a friend or therapist Doodle: This helps us to regulate Journal in a notebook or on your phone where you can put a lock on it.
Chew gum: When we’re stressed we lock our jaws and chewing gum helps relax the jaw.
Yoga, meditation, watch an uplifting movie.
Ask for support if you need it.
Don’t put yourself under pressure to go to college if you know it isn’t for you. Not everyone goes to college. Plenty successful people never went to college.
Ask yourself what makes you smile, what lights you up? If you are interested or passionate about something, if a smile surfaces when you think about it, that may be a strong indication of the right course for you. Choosing from a cognitive place can often end in having to change courses later on.
Parents may put you off certain careers because of low income or the working conditions. They come from hard times. Go with what makes you happy.
Ms Edel Lawlor is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and founder and director of the Expressive Play therapy and training centre based in Kerry.
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