'Expect things not to be perfect': the Christmas survival guide
Picture: iStock
We ask a lot of Christmas. It comes at the mid-point of winter when the days are at their shortest, the light at its lowest – and we pile it high with expectations and demand it deliver.
We expect perfection like in the festive TV ads that paint Christmas in rosy tints – everyone gathered around a table laden with gorgeous food, everything warm and cosy, everyone in a good place and getting along.
“We live in a world that drives our expectations up – and we find our expectations are beyond reality’s capacity to meet them,” says clinical psychologist and author Dr Malie Coyne.
At Christmas people meet up in families, and families aren’t perfect, points out Coyne. “We all have baggage. And while human beings are deeply social, things don’t always go to plan.”
Coyne urges taking the expectation out of Christmas and dealing with reality. She says expect things not to be perfect – because we are imperfect beings. “Rather than ‘if’ there’s conflict, think ‘when’ there’s conflict,” she advises, and suggests a four-part resolve for dealing with moments of conflict: ‘I will take a breather. I will try not to do harm. I will take responsibility for my part in it. I will repair.”
Dr Vincent McDarby, clinical psychologist and president-elect of Psychological Society of Ireland, says Christmas involves a deadline – and this is what makes it the most stressful time of year for many of us. As deadlines approach, stress increases.
“There’s so much we have to get done. When the deadline is far off, we take on more than we can handle. In September we might have said ‘yes, I’ll host Christmas, I’ll cook the roast’, and these tasks we took on, that initially looked incidental, are now monumental because time is running out.”
He says a good tactic when faced with a daunting Christmas to-do list is to ask three questions: How many of these tasks actually need to be done today? How many can be put off until tomorrow? And how many can be dropped altogether? “Just focusing on what we absolutely need to do today – and thinking ‘I can park this for a bit, and that can be abandoned’ – is a really good way of managing stress.”
The pandemic is adding a significant layer of stress to Christmas 2021. Not least the sense of ‘here we are again’ when we didn’t expect to be – it’s a shock for most of us. “It’s a shock to me – and I work in the health service,” says Coyne.
“We expected with the vaccine rollout we’d be having a normal Christmas. Instead we’re on uncertain shaky ground – travel plans, trips to Santa and to nativity plays are all once again up in the air. It’s really difficult for human beings to withstand such uncertainty over long periods of time.”
GP and author Dr Harry Barry says as Christmas approaches, the reality of a still volatile pandemic has people caught in all sorts of dilemmas. “Though the vaccines are very good, people with vulnerable siblings or elderly parents are wondering ‘have I been in contact with anyone who could be a problem?’ Older people at home desperately want to meet their families, yet they’re afraid, especially if there are grandchildren.”
Barry finds systematically planning what needs to be ‘done for Christmas’ – preparing a realistic amount each week – is key for dealing with Christmas stress. And it works for pandemic Christmas-related concerns too. “If you’re meeting elderly or vulnerable family at Christmas, really reduce your social contacts to a minimum for the next two weeks. And maybe do antigen tests twice a week over the next fortnight.”
Barry says doing this would significantly reduce Covid anxiety.
Christmas is all about the children – and Christmas stress can be all about the children too. Particularly when parents look at their offspring’s list and see the first three items are unaffordable and the next two are not age-appropriate. Mothers in particular can feel under pressure to make happy memories for children. McDarby says many of us have very happy childhood Christmas memories and we want to generate the same – or better – for our children.
“Yet, what children will remember are not the things that parents stress about. Christmas is very child-centred anyway and children love being off school, all the family around, getting some toys and watching TV as long as they like.
“After all, when we look back on Christmas when we were kids, we focus on the experience, not on the details."
Parental love and presence mean more to children than any toy or gadget, agrees Coyne. “Hug them, delight in them, play with them, read with them. They would much rather we sat and watched a movie with them than that we’re running around like a busy bee.”
And if you can’t get everything on your child’s list? “The pain of disappointment is part and parcel of life – something they’ll only learn by experiencing it first-hand,” says Coyne. “Listen, acknowledge their feelings and try not to minimise their experience. With your loving support, your child will soon appreciate what they did get for Christmas.”
At some stage in the holiday lead-up – hopefully not too early – you’ll be asked ‘are you all set for Christmas?’ And while for some this might be just general chit-chat, a handy seasonal conversation-opener, it can sometimes feel like one-upmanship, as in ‘I’m all organised and I’m nicely smug about that’. Coyne says the question could exacerbate stress for those already feeling under pressure. “But we’re not at the mercy of other people’s expectations – though a better question might be ‘how’s your Christmas planning going?’”
Is there a trend towards competitive busyness – rushing to the finish line, in a race against others? McDarby doesn’t believe there is. “I don’t think people are trying to outdo themselves being busy. There’s a lot of pressure to get things right. And we’re starting Christmas earlier, putting up decorations for example, so people are going to be busier.”
Coyne sees any pressure emanating from the thought ‘oh, so-and-so down the road has it all done – I’ve nothing done’ as coming from a place of threat. “The threat is: if I’m not really busy, if I don’t have everything prepared I’m not good enough.”
She counsels being kind to yourself.
Loss can feel bigger at Christmas. And loss in a relationship can feel sharper. Coyne says for blended families, there can be questions like ‘who is going to be with who?’ and ‘who is going to give what to who?’ “Christmas can really crystallise things for people: What do I mean to you? Am I invited?”
And the way Christmas reminders are everywhere for well over a month beforehand is hard on anybody with mental health difficulties or anyone grieving or feeling lonely, says Coyne. “Every time they turn on the TV there’s a Christmas ad. Every time they go into a shop there’s a Christmas song and whenever they go to town they see the Christmas lights. And they just want it to be over, for Christmas to be just another day.”
To capture the spirit of Christmas, she urges thinking for a while about those who won’t feel a sense of belonging. Christmas, she says, is about being grateful for what we have. “How can we make this Christmas special, not even in a big way but in a small way? And how can we give to others?”
- Embracing Change, Dr Harry Barry, €14.99
- Love in, Love out: A Compassionate Approach to Parenting your Anxious Child, Dr Malie Coyne, €21.
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