Dear Louise: How do I deal with my partner lusting after other women?

Louise O'Neill. Photograph Moya Nolan

Dear Louise, How do I deal with my partner lusting after other women? I even found a picture of one of his students in college. Is it because he doesn’t get what he wants from me?

There is a truly terrible show on Netflix right now called Sex Life (I have to reiterate how bad the series is – this is not a recommendation to watch it!) in which the main character, Billie, is sexually frustrated in her marriage and starts to fantasise about her toxic old boyfriend.

She visits a therapist and asks why she can’t seem to find the same, all-consuming physical attraction with her husband as she did with her ex and the therapist replies that, “the person who gives you all that security can’t be the same person who gives you the thrill, the risk, the excitement, the lust. It doesn’t work that way.” 

This isn’t necessarily the case for every couple but in general, most people find that the desire to tear each other’s clothes all day, every day, decreases with time. There are pay-offs in return – a greater sense of intimacy, of affection, of connection. You come to see one another in other ways, to appreciate your partner’s kindness, humour, generosity as well their sexual prowess. When we commit to a long-term, monogamous relationship, we make a decision to be faithful to one person but I would argue that it’s only natural that we still find others desirable – you don’t become blind once you make a commitment to your partner – and so, too, I would argue that it’s natural to have fantasies that don’t always involve your other half. 

People fantasise about all kinds of things – threesomes, rough sex, kidnapping – but that doesn’t mean they necessarily want that to happen in real life. (Seriously, no one actually wants to be kidnapped!) Sexual fantasies are private, a part of our internal lives, and very often have no reflection on our feelings for our partner. We might not like the idea but if you’re someone who is particularly sensitive to the idea of your partner being attracted to someone else, perhaps a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy could save a lot of hurt feelings.

Everyone’s boundaries are different – for some, cheating means physical intimacy with another person, for others, receiving or sending nudes, or even watching porn, might feel like a violation of their trust. As with all things in relationships, respect is crucial. And even though your letter was very short, I think it’s clear that you don’t feel as if your boundaries are being acknowledged. You say that your partner is always ‘lusting’ after other women.

How do you know that? Does he tell you directly? Does he stare at women on the street?

There’s a difference between being aware that your partner finds other women attractive and feeling disrespected, and it would seem as if your situation is the latter. 

Have you told your partner that his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable? What was his reaction to that? Did he listen?

I must admit, I was alarmed at the discovery of a photo of one of his students and I really wish that you had given more information in your letter. I have many questions – what age is this student? Was the photo sexual in nature? Did the student send the photo to your partner or did he find it on her social media? Does this mean they’re having an affair or is he simply ‘lusting’ after her from afar? Even if this person is an adult and of age to give consent, (which I presume she must be if she’s in college) there is a huge power imbalance between a teacher and a student and one that should never be taken advantage of. 

And while I think the only men who can feasibly get away with posters of page 3 models on their bedroom walls are fourteen-year-old boys, this isn’t the same as your partner following a scantily clad ‘fitness model’ on Instagram and liking her posts. This is too close to home for comfort. I’m not sure if you found this photo by creeping through his phone but even if you did come across it by slightly underhand methods, you have to confront him and the sooner you do so, the better.

What makes me the saddest about your letter is your immediate inclination to blame yourself, asking if your partner is behaving in this way because he’s not ‘getting what he wants’ from you. There will always be times in long-term relationships where sexual compatibility might become an issue – our libidos can be affected by stress, health issues, grief, trauma, etc. But even if we’re experiencing a dry spell in the bedroom, there is never any excuse for our partner blatantly disregarding our feelings and our boundaries. 

If your partner was dissatisfied, he should have come to you and had an open, honest conversation about that, no matter how difficult. You could have worked together to figure out a way to ensure that both your needs were being met. This is not your fault and the fact that you think it is, would indicate to me that it might be helpful to look at your own insecurities.

Usually, I would recommend making an appointment with a couple’s counsellor (and that is something I think you should definitely consider if you decide you want to work on this relationship) but for now, it would be a good idea to start seeing a therapist on your own.

That way, you will have the freedom to work through your own hurt without having to hold space for your partner’s feelings as well.

• Louise always recommends speaking with a professional for more support. If you have a question that you would like answered, email [e-mail]